Seeing the Light.

Awhile back my husband shared that statistically depression rates have increased ever since Facebook and Pinterest were established. Everyone looks at the next person's life or talents and think they have it so much better. The truth is...that is a lie.

Let me tell ya, there's no reason to sink into depression after looking at any of this. Of course people will post the awesome things and hide the hell. I've been thinking about my posts and I try my best to always be encouraging.  There is enough negativity in this world....so why contribute to it? I thought about my posts - mainly about my kids and their awesome kid comments, like the latest one from Adalie:

"Momma, your eyes look like the sun."

Smiling, I ask "Why do you say that, silly?"

She responds, "Because you have lines here...and here...and here.....".

Awesome.

Or the time my son asked, while in McDonalds drive thru....

"Are we getting a  happy meal mom?"

"No."

"Seriously?! Does that mean we have to get a sad meal?!"

In the midst of everything I post, the truth is we have had one of the most broken years of our life.  But the funny part is only a few select people have truly known.  How is this for Mrs. Awesome "vomit everything to anyone who will listen" type woman? And in writing blogs like this: (see Dyson) I force my mind on positive and uplifting things.  Like a special kid who won't necessarily fit in with the football jocks and instead says things like this:

"Mom, I'm proud of the way God made me."

"Why buddy?"

"Well, Kasiah likes to dance.  Adalie likes to eat.  And I like...to invent things!"

Priceless.

P.S. Here is a follow-up to that post on Dyson for all of you who have been dying to see his finished product I'm sure...

Sorry for that bunny trail. What I'm getting at is this: No matter who's life you might be reading about I'm almost certain their life is no better than yours. Their talents are no better than yours. Everyone has a story. Absolutely everyone.

In this moment of being real, my story is this:

Up until very recently I have been deeply deeply broken. My husband as well. I have enough respect for him and myself to spare the details.  And things certainly were incomparable to the living nightmare back in 2006. But let's just put it this way, in February I received one horrific facebook message that was the very turning point in our entire marriage.  It was evil and dropped my every being to the floor in a heap of hot tears and anger. But it was the very thing that led Jer and I down the most beautiful road I could have ever imagined.

Although the years from 2010 - spring 2012 were what I'd call a season of renewal and restoration in our marriage, I was not ready to endure the brokenness once more.  But God never promised in scripture permanent restoration in renewal in anyone's life.  That would be called heaven.

While on earth, our lives will constantly be sprinkled with season's of brokenness and seasons of restoration.
Well, at least for those who are truly desiring to live a life God's called them to live, I should say.  The truth is, if you're not a threat to Satan, he won't be a threat to you.  It reminds me of my pastors words today:

"Suddenly Saul, who thought he knew everything was finding himself in a situation where he knew nothing.  It was only then that he became truly able to hear God's voice."

You see, I was quite comfy in my season of restoration.  And I thought I had everything figured out as to why my husband had the affairs in the past and struggled with pornography. I thought I was past so much of that. Had forgiven the girls, forgiven him. And although I had... what I didn't realize I had done was stuff a lot of pain out of fear of how he would react to what I was truly feeling.

This pain affected me in many ways that I didn't even realize. I also didn't have the opportunity to truly sift through the rocky soil of my heart during those years because I was too busy having several babies, miscarriages, job changes and house moves.  We were in fast forward mode. Certainly not enough time to truly truly dig.

And now here I was, 7 years later in a heap of tears, alone in my apartment, snow on the ground and three little children needing my attention.  Let's just say Mr.Movies and Pizza Hut delivery made a killing for a couple days as I was unable to function.

And I was mad. I was mat at God. I was mad that He was calling me to quietly keep this in my heart when I so badly wanted to feel supported.  And God said, "No. The church is needed for such a time as this, yes. But for you and Jeremy in this moment, I am saying no."

So I and Jeremy moved forward, as best as we could and God began (very slowly) to shed light on what we were truly truly dealing with.  We thought we knew what we had dealt with, but suddenly we found ourselves dealing with the truth.  And the truth hurts.  And the truth is setting us free.

Jeremy and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary on June 21st this past summer.  Reflecting back, I'll be honest.  We've had more days of hell than happiness.  Both him and I have dealt with many many hurts. Both him and I have stuffed over the years many many things.  But God has been providing a way out of all of this pain.  He has been recultivating the soil of our hearts, in which rocks had been buried for years were raised to the surface. It was so painful. So so painful.  But slowly we are being renewed day by day and finally in these past several weeks I am starting to see the light at the end of that dark and deep tunnel.  A tunnel filled with prayers in which we thought God would never ever answer.  A tunnel filled with unknowns, confusion, and emptiness.  A tunnel in which we were blind and all we could truly do was rely on God to hold our hands and lead us through the dark.

Last Saturday felt like a monumental turning point in our marriage. September 28th, 2013.  I'll never forget the day.  Our 10 year anniversary was past, and although a great weekend, it still felt like a dark weekend.  But now, things were getting brighter.

This particular morning I woke up greeted by coffee and a rose.  Jeremy had lined up the entire day to bless me. At each blessing was a rose that led me to the next blessing.  They consisted of getting my hair done, a massage, shopping with a friend, nails, a mini photo shoot of just the two of us, dinner downtown Sioux Falls, walking Falls Park and coming home.  And just when I thought it was over, he presented the 12th rose to me which revealed something I've been dreaming to do every since the day we returned from our Honeymoon in 2002:  A tropical trip this February (we're still deciding where).

It was as if Jeremy was asking, will you join me in a new tomorrow?

And I thought about everything that led up to that point and I wanted to scream, "Jeremy, we did it! We survived this last stretch!" And I thought about my friends, my sisters.  Those beautiful women in my life who made that day possible working behind the scenes, taking the kids, and so on.  It was like the perfect picture of what Paul wrote about to the believers in 1 Thesselonians 5:11 - Therefore encourage one another and build each other up. 

Girls....if you are reading this, I want you to know...you have no idea what that day truly meant to me.  It was a mark - a symbol - like a renewal of vows - declaring a new day.

I know overall, we will have many days of brokenness ahead. Heck, we don't even have teenagers yet.  However, we will enjoy feeling lavished today.

And for those of you who are feeling alone in that dark and lonely tunnel.  Be encouraged, for if you are seeking God it is impossible to remain where you are. Psalm 40:2-3 promises that He will lift you out of the mud and mire, whatever that might be.

Just hold on.
For happy days of restoration do await you.  As for Jeremy and I, we are finally once more enjoying the light.  :)