Impatiently Patient.

What family with 3 children hop from house to house in 7 years of marriage, and from job to job, and town to town not knowing where the heck they are going? What family lives in a house but not in it's community? What family who is completely unemployed turns down a great paying job?

We do.

We have asked ourselves if we brought this mess upon ourselves, while flipping through the earlier chapters of our lives. Some, we have. Most we have not.

If there is one thing we know, it's that God loves us. Even when He is silent. We wait and we trust... in Him, not our checkbooks. We wait for His lead, His direction, His timing. Not ours.

We don't see a target for our lives. Positivily frustrating. But maybe it's not about the Target... but about become like Him.

As much as I want to pull my hair out, not knowing where we are to live or work or become rooted in a community, there is one thing I do know. God is leading. Not us. God is in control. Not us.

And what better place is there to be? So we have hope.

















We cry out to Him but He is silent. And in the silence, we learn discipline. Watching my husband has truly caused me to value this dark season of brokenness. At a time I would have expected Jer to run away, he has discovered discipline. Even in the silence of Jesus, Jeremy continues to get out of bed every morning to pursue Him.

In the waiting, the pause, we have learned that it's not about where we are going, but who we are becoming. So with that said, we value this season of brokenness. The fire is painful. But in everything, positive results can only come when accompanied by pain. So bring on the rain!

2 Random 2 Title.

As I was saying, I love it when God and Jeremy hash things out together. Last night after we shared some depression together, and he went out to hang out, he came home with this:

- Hebrews 13:5 - "Don't love money. Be satisfied with what you have. For God says I will never leave you. I will never abandon you." Jeremys thoughts: The Lord never fails me. Never abandons me. I AM STILL ALIVE!

- John 5:13 - "... be honest in your evaluation of yourself. Measure yourself by the faith God has given us." Jeremy: I am capable of doing WHATEVER the Lord calls me to do.

- 1 Peter 3:1 - "You wives must accept the authority of your husbands..." Jeremy: "You must submit to me, honey." :)

I get that. I know in my heart what I want (or think I want) so badly for God to reveal to Jeremy regarding our decision ahead of us. BUT I know that if Jeremy decides against it, I must accept his authority... with grace and humility... and NO manipulation, like us women are SO good at doing to our men. We tend to "act" like we're going to submit but we play this evil manipulative mind game (and often don't even realize we are doing it) that eventually gets them to do what we wanted in the first place. And sadly, they walk away not even knowing what hit them, but feeling crappy and having no idea why.

He also came home with:
- If I want change I make it now. I don't wait. Start somewhere. Start here. Start now.
- Be salt. Anything salty makes you want more.
- Be light.

Our Pastor one time preached an incredible sermon called "Holy Huddles." He basically said that we Christians spend WAY to much time in our Holy Huddles and forget to get out and "play the game." The game? Reaching the lost for Christ. The Huddle? Our Christian family. God calls us to be a light to the world. How can we do that if we never spend time in the dark?

This blog is so random. Today we had to fire two employees... leaving Jeremy with, well.. himself. He has two huge construction jobs ahead of him. If he could quit today, he would. But it's the only thing providing right now. So he's pressing on. He got home at 5, ate, said hello to the kids and me, and then left again to go finish a wash (not sure if I mentioned, but we actually own two businesses now- construction and power washing.). He left overwhelmed, stressed and confused. I told him to drive the 40 minute drive with his cell phone powered down and do two things:
#1. Praise and thank God.
#2. Just pray.

I better get off this thing and see if God has anything to say to me as well. I've never written such a random blog with no direction in my entire life. I'm sure my writing is incredibly confusing. Oh well. Maybe one of you out there in blogworld was touched by the Spirit in some way. I may never know.

P.S. For all you insecure women out there (which includes me), here is a word from Beth Moore:
Insecurity is not believing God and is prideful. Because in the end, all though you are thinking too low of yourself, you are still thinking too much of...... self.

Pause... but ready for Play, Lord.

Summer is here. I find I really struggle with summer. I grew up as a child loving it. My birthday is in July and our family was always a camping and boating family. I learned to slolemn ski when I was 12 at a church camp, and surprised my dad with the show on Fathers Day at the lake. I felt so proud knowing I was making my dad proud. I have great memories as a child riding the waves with my brother Nathan on the torpedo. My dad's goal was to get buck us off. I learned great boat driving skills from my dad, and great teamwork riding the waves with Nathan. I remember going to the lake and living on the boat the entire day. We would leave church about 15 minutes early, speed to Yankton (while dad was jamming out to the Beach Boys) and then not come home until supper time. We would always stop at Pizza Hut in Hartington, NE on our way home. I remember freezing because I was still in my bathing suit and my hair was wet. The order was always the same...splitting a supreme with the family and getting a family order of breadsticks. Then at home, mom would let us sleep downstairs in the living room under cool sheets as she lavished our sunburn skin with aloe.

But today summers are different. For any of you women married to a construction worker, you know the feeling. Suddenly you become a single mom and life feels sad. I am more in love with my husband today than the day I married him and right now I would give anything to go to Mexico and learn to be a wife again, putting mommyhood behind.

Jeremy asked me, "So when are the times you feel the most happy?" I responded, "On date nights with you, overnighters with you, or times away with just our family and no one else." I don't know why, but those are the times I feel the most happy, and when summer hits, those times are few.

It's hard to find the balance between "suck it up because it's temporary and winters are tough" vs "make the marriage priority over work".

My husband feels sad too. He doesn't like construction and here he was forced into his own business. Why? It's the only thing he knows. Imagine running a business that you don't even like. But he does so good at it. I'm so proud of him and we know God is training him for something in the process.

It's memorial day today. We just got back from a afternoon on the lake. On our ride home we both discussed how sad we felt, and how we didn't like feeling sad. I don't mean just sad today, but sad in general... with life. I told him when we got home that I would get the three rugrats to bed and he needed to leave and "do his thing." What do I mean by that? Well, let me explain. I don't know what really goes down when Jer and God get together. But when he comes home, man do I feel at peace and so much better after hearing what God had to say.

He'll take his jammin truck and his rocking music with him and just drive around and worship and pray and listen. And he always comes back with some fresh word from the Lord. I hear him now walking around upstairs, and in about 20 I'll find out if anything cool was revealed. Can't wait. I like it that way. Me just do the "mom thing" and let my husband and the Lord hash things out. And then when I hear what was said I can dig deep into my gut and either feel peace or not so much... confirming his word, or challenging Jer to dig deeper. So far, it's worked.

Jer and I have been given an open door. Something we are holding confidential at this time. We need prayer. Will you pray for us a sec? We could use some prayer of clarity. I'll let you know what I'm talking about eventually. But right now God has definitely put our lives on pause. We're sick of it and ready to move on from "this." Funny, how in my earlier "Apple Tree" blog I prayed for God to put me on pause! I just never meant "on pause" in a life that feels so depressing. Funny. that makes me think of another blog I wrote... "Think Blocked Boulders" maybe? Can't remember. It was something about how we'll ask for better roads, but then complain about the road construction. Anyway, we feel we've been on pause long enough and longing for God to push play. Whatever that means.

Anyway...

On another note... I'm struggling with a lot of sin....

- self-righteousness
- pride
- discontentment
- fear
- insecurity
- a critical spirit

When summer hits and I miss my man, I find that I start to struggle with these sins. As a result I become bitchy. Sorry for the language, but that was the best way to describe it. And who wants to come home to a bitchy wife?

Anyway, I suppose I better go. It's 9:30 and there is never a night I don't go to bed with my husband, (when he's home that is) so I better get going. Besides, I can't wait to hear what God had to say about how depressing our lives feel right now.

Blessings... oh, and some random pictures to enjoy. i might have already posted these. Who knows. Whatever. Enjoy! :)

Jeremy and Dyson in Grandpa Dykstra's tractor.

Me and Kasiah.

Mother's Day.

Adalie. 6 months old.

Be.

Wow. Seriously. It's been four months since I've last updated this thing regarding my life today (the postings titled "Chapters" are just me recording my past, hoping I'll catch up to my today soon.) I hope this blog isn't boring. I feel like I have to catch up so much that I can't truly engage myself. I'll be impressed if you survive this entire thing.

Hmmm. The last time I wrote we were sitting around the table in Sioux Center, IA wondering where we were going to live in two weeks. We had no home. And my 3 year old daughter said, "Buckle your seatbelts everyone! Jesus is driving!" My husband saracastically replied (while rolling his eyes), "He sure is Kasiah, He sure is."

Since August, we were delivered more manna from heaven. A complete stranger heard of our need and called us. "I have a 5 bed, 2 bath house only ten years old. You can live in it for free. Just pay utilities."

Seriously?! Who gets to live in gorgeous homes for free as often as this?! And yet, why am I surprised? Just a few nights ago when Jeremy and I were praying, begging God to give us direction, I prayed, "Well gee, God. How about you just provide yet another home free of rent?"

He did.

I think sometimes He wonders, "Girl, if you would just ask you'd be blown away by the gifts you have not received."

O.k. so here we were. Still dealing with the shocking pregnancy that threw our "planned out lives" for a complete loop. I'm in my 3rd trimester and we're moving a 2nd time in 4 months. Jeremy is still attempting his construction business to provide. I'm still staying at home (and loving it). We move to the country into a farm house near Alcester, SD (a.k.a. Little House on the Prairie)...

We have no idea how long we will be in this home. All we know is that it's FREE. The closest WalMart is 35 minutes away. I don't love this. Not one bit.

November rolls around, Kasiah turns 4. She starts pre-school in Alcester. Weird. I don't know a single soul. Yet, two days a week I bring her, knowing she needs an "out" from just "Mommy and Dyson" world. Along with Kasiah turning 4, this little baby inside of me is getting ready to come out. My gut still says she's a girl from that initial roast beef sandwhich craving back in April... oh, and Jeremy's strange dream that we had a girl (before I knew I was prego).

Sure enough... on Wednesday morning, November 25th at 10:22a.m., we had a girl!

We named her Adalie Faith (pro-noucned Ah-duh-lee). Her name means "God is my refuge". She weighed only 1 ounce bigger than her sister Kasiah.... 8lbs 13 oz at 5 days early. She measured the exact same... 22 inches long!

She is perfect during the day but a devil child in the evening. :) Just when I finally get some adult time when Jeremy comes home, she decides she's going to be demanding... often not going to bed until 1:30am! Sex?! Hmmm. My heart goes out to Jer. It really does. My friend called it Duty Sex during this season of our life. I get that... but Jeremy hates duty sex. He's so kind.

On top of this adjustment, my husband has been faced with the challenge by our pastor to consider a ministry in Fargo. Long story. I'm too exhausted right now to go there. But I will say that since, I have never seen Jeremy in such a spiritual state of warfare since the affair. I love it and hate it at the same time.

So that's where we are at.... living in the middle of nowhere, doing our local errands 45 minutes away, attending a church we love a different 45 minutes away, while barely surviving financially. Jeremy is doing everything he can while construction is non-existant during this snow filled winter (My car is completey buried and farm roofs are caving in)... everything from hauling manure to washing it off of hog confinements. Not the most glorious jobs - especially for 10 bucks an hour. But at least he's finding jobs!!

My sister and friend said to me today that we need to be sure we don't try too hard to discover the direction God wants us to go.. and what we are to do. Sometimes our focus is so much on what we need to do for God, that we forget to just love God.

Maybe that's why we are here, in the middle of nowhere, with anything as much as a WalMart 30 minutes away... to teach us to just "be." I was asked when I see adults during the week. I replied, "On Sundays. I love Sundays. And if Adalie allows me, I get to be with my husband at night."

So until next time, enjoy the pictures below! There are a ton of them.. to catch up! This blog feels pretty "blah" to me. Not a lot of pizzaz or passion. I think because the place I'm in right now feels a bit blah.... just living one day at a time raising children which consists of spills, spankings and splattered paint, as well as hugs, kisses and laughter.

May God protect my husband as he battles with the warfare surrending him right now. I believe with all my heart God is calling him into full-time ministry and Satan is pretty pissed about it. For now, my focus is to be the best wife and mom God wants me to be.... and other than that, well, to simply just be.

Kasiah got a kitty for her birthday.



This says it all.

36 weeks I believe.

Looking for deer antlers in the woods.

39 weeks I think.

Daddy teaching Dyson how to pee like a man!

Waiting and waiting. I came in dilated at a 3 and was fed pitosin the entire day. At the end of the day, I was still only dilated at a 3. Yes, I cried!

Welcome to this world, little girl!

Daddy rocks at changing diapers!

Adalie. 1 week old.

Adalie. 1 month old on Christmas day!