For ten years I have been standing as the intecessor between God and my husband. But about four months ago God picked me up and said "Thank you. But you're done now. Step aside." So in stepping aside I find myself incredibly relieved... and a bit lost. I am now having to redifine my relationship with God. Before I was desperate for him at the sake of a man I dearly love. I had true motivation to pray, fast, and read scripture. Now, well - I'm not sure.
On top of this, God has made it very clear to Jeremy that we are being (or will be) called to do two things:
1. Move
2. Quit our jobs and one (or both) get some sort of training/education
For what? I don't know. Where? Cluessless. When? Who the heck knowns! But la-de-dah, I know the song: It's all God's timing, don't run away, be patient, God knows best, blah blah blah.
There once was a time when I had so much faith, passion and trust that the thought of God irritating me was absurd. Today, I have never felt more annoyed. It's very obvious to me that I'm having to re-learn how to have a relationship with him on my own, aside from the role of intersecssor for Jeremy. So in that, my irritability is high when it comes to deciding what to do with our lives.
A co-worker of mine shared some great wisdom. He said, "God doesn't always care what you decide, as long as you take him with you." Awesome. That definitely took off pressure of making "the right" decision. But, I'm still very curious as to what God is up to. In fact, it reminds me of... popcorn.
A few weeks ago our family was sitting on the floor with a pile of board games and a fresh bowl of popcorn. As Jeremy, Dyson and myself were munching away, we noticed that Kasiah was not with us. Unfortunately, we noticed a bit too late. We were so caught up in stuffing our faces that there were merely 20 kernals left for our little girl.
Jeremy called her name and she announced she was in the kitchen. We were clueless to what she would be doing. Eating popcorn and playing games with the family is one of her favorite times of the day. What on earth could be more important to her right now? So Jeremy asked what she was doing.
"I'm getting water!" She yelled from the kitchen.
"Well, hurry up! The popcorn is almost gone!" Jeremy replied.
"Just wait! I'm getting waaaaater, daaaad!"
Now seriously, this girl could take two hours to eat five bites of a hot dog if she wanted to, so this was not something we were interested in waiting for. But when we looked up, we saw something we had not even noticed!
Kasiah was not just getting water. She was carefully and slowly getting a tall glass of cold water for each member of the family. And of course each glass had to have it's own special chair that fit each member of the family (papa bear, miss mamma bear, baby bear and Princess Goldilocks, I suppose).Needless to say, we both felt like dirt. As we were stuffing our faces, consumed in the moment, Kasiah was joyfully serving in the background, preparing a gift for each of us to enjoy with our popcorn. And she was taking her time. She was also delivering the gifts right before our eyes and we never even noticed.
I'm pretty certain God is doing exactly that. I'm so caught up in the moment, stuffing my face with impatience, that I'm missing things right in front of me. I'm wondering where He is at and what He is up to. I wish He would hurry and give us answers or sign something in the sky. But He gave us brains to make our own decisions. He doesn't run, He walks. And just when I think He doesn't care, He'll reveal it all. But for now, not yet.
I think I'd better consider changing my attitude and working on our relationship.
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