Anyway, this time right here, right now is desperately needed again. Here I sit at Butlers drinking a latte (I really should not have bought) and not wanting to go back to work because my Monday morning started off just awful. And on top of that, my husband is having a heck of a time at home trying to be a daddy and mommy all at once - laundry, cooking, cleaning, managing two fighting children, dealing with e-bay crap in trying to purchase tools, file for unemployment but the system fails, dealing with workmans comp crap, and the list goes on and on. Nothing new for any other family, I'm sure.
But on top of this, I am dealing with something else today. Something not so pleasent. Last week a 3-year old little girl was killed near Sioux Falls, SD when her mom tried to re-buckle her in her carseat while driving. This little girl was connected to some friends of ours. I went on the internet last night and googled the story. My heart just dropped. Even now, tears well in my eyes. I can not imagine losing my 3 year old little Kasiah. But I can imagine the many times I reached back while driving... handing them a snack, some toys, etc.
And then I did something I regret... I looked at pages and pages of other "3-year old dies" stories on google. They were awful! Some were as follows:
* House Fires
* Beatings by a boyfriend
* Car Accidents
* Carbon Monoxide poisoning
* Dental surgery - medications given to perform surgery causes child to die
* Crushed under a TV set that fell off the entertainment center
* SUV backs over and kills
* Grandma leaves child in a car. Child dies due to heat.
Two stories just blew me away:
1. Boy dies when walking outside in the middle of the night and was unable to get back in the house, while mother was sleeping. The next morning she found his lifeless body in a snowbank just 10 feet away. It was -9 degrees that night.
2. While mother is running an errand, two children remain in the car. Older sibling lets younger sibling out of the carseat because he's crying. Older sibling falls asleep in the front seat. Younger sibling crawls onto arm rest of side door and pokes his head out of the window. Child steps onto the electronic control, forcing the window to roll upward and kill him.
The night before I was reading these horrific stories, Jeremy and I watched a movie titled "Gangeling." It was based on a true story in 1928. A man would kidnap children, lock them in a chicken coop and then brutally murder them by chopping them apart with an ax. Over 20 children were killed before he was arrested.
Now you're probably thinking I'm nuts and asking yourself, "why are you putting yourself through this?!" But the reality is this: this IS reality. These stories are happening every single day, and the stories listed above are very common and do not exclude you or I from experiencing any of it (well, maybe other than the ax murderer).
I'm going to be honest here. I fear God. I really do. I fear him with a healthy fear. I know that my children are not my own. Not a day goes by when something in my heart doesn't stir at the thought of God allowing my children to be taken away. He gave them to me and He can take certainly take them away! And if it means to further His kingdom and save thousands of souls from hell, He just might! I am fully aware that He has that right and I have absolutely no say in that decision, no more than Job himself! I am not excluded from a house fire, car accident, kidnapping, or freak accident such as the hypothermia or car window death. Nothing guarantees me protection from that.
My sister-in-law came back from YWAM and taught me something. She said that so often we pray and trust that God will protect us and keep us safe from harm. Yes, He does do that. Scripture claims it. But we often deny to look at the other parts that talk about how He does not keep us from harm or danger, but promises to walk us through it. Why? Because that is a very uncomfortable thought to think!
She said, "The safest place to be is in the will of God. And the will of God might just be a warzone in Iraq."
"Safe" in God's mind is not necessarily safe in our mind. And we have to be willing to trust Him to be obedient wherever He might call us to go... dangerous or not. Because to not obey God is where the true danger lies.
"God is our refuge and strength. Always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not fear WHEN earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea. Let the oceans roar and foam. Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!" Psalm 46:1-2
I love this verse. It's like David is saying, "Bring it on! God is on my side!" But last night when faced without electricity (from 6:00 until way after midnight), with nothing to do but sit in silence (my phone was also dead), I was forced to face the idea of losing my children. For some reason in my heart, if God were to take me through that storm for the purpose of reaching thousands of people, it would not surprise me one bit. Not one bit.
Psalms 77: "I cry out to God, yes I shout. Oh that He would listen to me! When I was in deep trouble I searched for the Lord. All night long I prayed with hands lifted toward heaven, but my soul was not comforted. I think of God and I moan, overwhelmed with longing for his help. You don't let me sleep. I am too distressed even to pray! I think of the good old days, long since ended, when my nights were filled with joyful songs. I search my soul and ponder the difference now. Has the Lord rejected me forever? Will He never again be kind to me?"
This Psalm that David felt in his heart identified with my own heart through the affair of my husband. I know God never rejected me during that time. But it was o.k. to feel that He did. David obviously did! And one day I might be meditating on that scripture once more in another dark and awful storm. God doesn't promise me protection of never losing my children. But He does promise to carry me through if it were to happen.
For now, I'm not going to live in fear, but peace.
For now, I am going to cherish my children every single day and never take them for granted.
For now, I am going to feel incredibly blessed that I am not a mourning devastated mother.
"Thank you Jesus, for my children. I am so undeserving of them. Help me to dedicate my life to You, to my husband and to my children. Help me to never put work and to-do tasks before them. Give me wisdom to raise them in the best way possible. I pray for health and safety. But if safety means safety in heaven and not on earth, give my heart the faith it needs to be o.k. with that. Because right now, I'm not o.k. with that one bit....like that matters. Who am I, a mere mortal,in comparison to your greatness, O Lord?Amen.
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