Chapter Nine. The Apple Tree.

I am just a mess. My family is gone for the next two weeks and I feel like a divorced mom only getting to see her kids on the weekends. And now I'm sitting here trying to write "Chapter 4" of my life story and completely unable too because all I can think about is now.

My husband called me just a few minutes ago completely frustrated from Sioux Falls. The nail gun he bought at a pawn shop didn't do the job today, so tomorrow he has to blow another $200.00 on a new one. His day went completely awful trying to head up a construction job working at a place with no direction and too many bosses with too high of expectations. And we could only talk for a few minutes because he was on his way to my brother's house to get our kids.

But let me back up. My family has been anxiously waiting to hear back from YWAM of our acceptance since Christmas. This has been a dream of mine for the past 9 years of my life. YWAM is a ministry of various programs. We particularly applied for the school in Kona, Hawaii. Go to http://www.uofnkona.edu/ if you are interested in knowing more.

Then, last week Tuesday at 3:00 in the afternoon something felt very very wrong. I craved a roast beef sandwhich. Let me say that again... I craved a roast beef sandwich.
Thursday morning. I had to do it. I had to buy a pregnancy test. And at 9:15 a.m. on April 2nd, my world was turned upside down. Staring right in my face was a positive pregnancy test. As positive as positive can be. The blue line was so darn blue it was almost black. And in that moment I nearly fainted. Stumbling to text my best friend/boss to come to the bathroom and rescue me from having a heart attack, my phone tumbled to the floor missing the toilet by inches and dividing into two.

Now for some of you this is not something to be devastated about. But if you truly knew my story, the look on your face right now would be of sheer shock... the same look my family, co-workers and closest friends shared with me. In fact, one co-worker lovingly donated a vacation day so that I could just process the unbelievable knews. Oh, and I never missed a birth-control pill.

So I tell my husband. And at this point in our lives, he did what really seemed to be the only thing we could do. He laughed.

Then at 4:00 that same afternoon we received the phone call we had been waiting for since December 2008. YWAM. The man on the other end named Ben, told us we were accepted! We then told him we found out we were pregnant just a few hours ago and in just 2 minutes my dream was abruptly ripped right out of the palm of my hands because of an unwanted pregnancy.

Not only did I feel punched in the gut once that day, but it was met with a second blow. A very low blow. So now I sit here 4 days later starting to adjust to this unexpected little blessing. And in the meantime my unemployed husband in this crappy economy is doing what he can to pay the bills. And one of those places to "do what he can" is in Sioux Falls. And where does that leave our kids? With Aunts and Grandma raising them... in Sioux Falls and far away from mommy.

Yeah yeah, so life doesn't go as planned. I know. And I know my feelings are so filled with lies. But how is it that a person can read scripture and hear God's voice speak to you through scripture and then be so wrong in the end? I just don't get it. Both Jeremy and I were absolutely certain that doors were opened for YWAM in every sense of the word. Absolutely certain! And we were so very wrong.

In a way I feel decieved. As if God was just teasing us. I know that's not what He does. But in this moment I feel played and it hurts. I feel that any confidence I had regarding God speaking to me is just out the window. And I am really grieving that. In this moment I feel betrayed by my best friend. My heart just really hurts and I feel like no matter how hard my family tries we just never get a break.

I just wish that God would put me on pause.

I met with a new friend today. She saw my hurting heart. I want to be doing my dreams, my passions. I want to be speaking to women words of inspiration, hope and encouragement. I want to write books or do something with my life stories. I don't want to sit in a box all day behind a computer managing schedules and ordering lunches while producing babies and living off of garage sales.

She told me the story of the apple tree and a conversation she had with her pastor. At this time, she was a busy, young mom who felt very un-fruitful.

"When does an apple bear fruit?" He asks.

"In August, or so." She replied.

"When does it not bear fruit?" He asked.

"In the winter." She replied.

"Is God angry with the tree when it doesn't bear fruit?"

"Well, no." She replied.

"Why?" He asked.

"Well, because it was created that way. It's not supposed to." She replied.

"Exactly." He said. "And it's not your season either."

"Lord, I feel so unfruitful. Please grace me with patience for the season I am in." Amen.