Chapter Four.

For two years I went through what I felt was the hardest time of my entire life. This would be my junior and senior year of college. God was very clearly calling me to do something that everyone around me didn't agree with. (Not so easy for a people pleaser)

Prior to this moment, I had been placed on a spiritually wise pedestal by surrounding family and friends. People looked up to me, came to me for advise and so on. But now, I was thought of us crazy, nuts and completely wrong in my relationship with God.

I was perceived to be doing what many condemned (including myself): Missionary Dating.

Although Jeremy was already saved before I realized I loved him that Saturday morning outside of Sioux County jail, we were still very much at different levels of maturity. And Jeremy, although a Christian was very much NOT the guy my dad ever intended for me to bring home.

And if my daughter Kasiah ever falls in love with a man similar to who Jeremy was at that time, I will probably panic and start having convulsions! But I will say that if her life shows a history of a very much alive Holy Spirit....active and breathing in her heart, I vow to trust whatever it might be that God is doing. (But that doesn't mean I won't be prostrated on the ground pleading with God to be gentle)

So back to Jeremy and 2001. In all my life I had never prayed, fasted and digested scripture in such desperation. Several nights I locked myself in the practice rooms of the chapel on campus. I would shut off the lights and fall to my knees and just cry and beg God to steal Jeremy's heart. I would plead and plead with God to guide me in my decisions regarding this relationship.

God was calling me to date a porn addict, smoker, tatooed and tongue ringed tough-guy who struggled with drinking and any sense of maturity. And although he gave his life to Christ, that certainly did not mean that his addictions and struggles and temptations just suddenly vanished into thin air. Oh no. This meant a serious case of trial - more than Jeremy would ever face.

And of the millions of people in the world, God picked me to stand by Jeremy's side unconditionally. I don't know when this happend, but God must have injected my heart with an extra dose of grace, compassion and forgiveness.

I saw in Jeremy a man who desperately wanted to do what was right, and oh did he try so hard. But man - when he stumbled, he didn't just stumble, he fell flat on his face....every single time.

For example, Jeremy and I had a thing going. Whenever the clocks turned to 3:33 or 4:44, etc. we would make a wish. One night I was in my dorm. I think I was making mac and cheese. I looked at the clock. It said 5:55. At that moment I prayed, "God, surround Jeremy with your angels."

A couple hours later I received a phone call. It was Jeremy... in jail. He had been pulled over for following a car too closely. O.k. so not a big deal... except he just happened to be smoking weed. Back in jail he was, unfortunately AFTER he had already given his testimony to two highschools in the community. Lesson learned: When someone changes their life around, they need time to figure out what that new life means before going around and speaking about it.

Needless to say, his name was back in the papers. I also found the ticket the police officer wrote. Time of arrest: 5:55pm.

It was very clear to me in that moment that God and I were on the same team here regarding Jeremy. But others didn't see it that way (and understandably). I even received an annoymous note in my mailbox that college year that said I was very wrong in dating Jeremy. Very wrong.

I completely lost my reputation. My grades started to fall, I was a horrible RA for the girls on my wing, and I lost my friends. I lost respect from my family as well. And I lost a lot of weight. I was so stressed and always crying and fasting, that I didn't even think about eating.... let alone actually eating.

Every morning I woke up and my eyes were swollen from the tears the night before. Nothing in the world is more difficult than feeling supported, loved and admired by so many people to suddenly being thought of as stupid, a door mat, a poor decision maker, and the list goes on.

I know what it was really about... not completely Jeremy here. This was a time of God breaking me of spiritual pride and making me a real woman. He was teaching me obedience regardless of other people's opinions. This was not easy. Not one bit.

Through the times of being cheated on, lied to, watching him be thrown in jail, and getting drunk at parties, Jeremy always managed to get back up and try again. His heart was genuine and filled with love and compassion for me and complete hate for himself. It was very obvious that until Jeremy learned how to truly love himself, he would never know how to truly love me.

God also gave me enough glimpses of Jeremy to show me that when Jer finally did learn how to love himself, I would be completely blown away with a beautiful, absolutely beautiful relationship.

So we survived the two years... on and off again dating, and then that third year, after I graduated from college, we finally became stable in Christ with fewer ups and downs. And in January of 2003, Jeremy proposed.

At that moment I knew God was good with that. He wouldn't have called me to continue fighting and believing and intervening in our relationship for two years if it wasn't preparation for marriage. But I wasn't stupid. Just because I now had a fat rock on my finger (did I mention that when Jer goes big, he goes big?) it certainly didn't mean the road was going to be easy.

And on June 21, 2003 I married the man not-so-much of my dreams... but a man that I knew without a doubt in my mind was going to be fireworks in building God's kingdom by my side. And I knew this because I maintained a communion with Christ through every spiritual discipline I could think of.

And my parents and their friends were being our spiritual warriors alongside us. And of course, Jeremy's heart was beautiful and compassionate in every sense of the word. And when he was on....he was on. He knew how to romance and make a woman feel like the princess of the world. And he had the compassion of Jesus for hurting people.

And on that day, in the very same place where I desperately cried on my knees in a dimly lit chapel, we shared our vows. And when I said, "til death do us part" I looked him right in the eyes and made sure he understood that I was not kidding.

In my heart, when I said those words I knew that God was going to take me down the road of adultry. I just knew it.


Til death do us part.
Til death do us part.
Til death do us part.... even if you cheat on me.


At that alter I made the decision that no matter what happened I would fight for my man. That no matter what happend I would forgive him.

Til death do us part.