Silence.
(breathe out).
I close my eyes knowing I desire to write and if there was ever an opportunity, it's now. But what do I write about?!
Do I write about Kasiah, who is entering her tween years at the age of 6?
Do I write about Dyson who has this mature depth for the Lord, and if I fail to pay attention I miss the most amazing treasures of all?
Do I write about my terrific 2, Adalie, who laughs at me when I spank her or put her in time-out?
Or what about the 37 women the Lord has crazily brought into my life this summer?
Do I write about my husband who was ignited in his sleep last night with an unexpected dousing of the Holy Spirit?
I could go on forever with things to write about, but one thing keeps coming to my mind - writing about ....me.
How self-centered is that?
Well, here's the deal. Yesterday, Jeremy walked in from work and shared with me how a former friend had been reading my blog. I vaguely remembered her from my college days in Orange City, Iowa about 11 years ago. I felt incredibly humbled that she would give up her valuable time to do such a thing. As I was feeling so honored by that, he looked at me and said, "Yeah, she said 'So, you're wife is a very confident woman, huh?'"... (insert spitting out my lemon flavored ice water).
HA!
What?!
I looked at him like a deer hit by headlights. He had this huge (and that's an understatement) smile on his face and then busted up laughing. "Yeah, I told her you're actually VERY insecure."
Hmmm. Now he could have jumped on that wagon and took the moment to brag about his hot confident wife (which is such a turn on for men) but instead, he had to go and tell the truth. He's often had that honest streak in him when put on the spot. Such as every time he got pulled over...
"Son, have you been drinking?"
"Yes sir."
"Son, it smells like pot in here."
"Yes sir. And here is my paraphernalia."
Love ya babe.
Anyway, I've been pondering that conversation ever since. So with that being said, I just want to take the moment to remove my mask and simply write about... well, me! And let me tell ya, the girl was right. I am VERY confident through my writing. But the truth is, I am very unconfident in me.
This summer I'm taking our women through a study called "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore. Because I'm leading, I'm forced to be caught up on all my reading and know what I'm talking about. But I made darn sure the girls knew on day #1 that I'm walking through this with them. Not ahead of them.
Insecurity. We all have it. As a goody-tushu girl who has never been drunk a day in her life, raised in a good Christian home, had friends, had "popularity", has a pretty face, a good marriage, healthy kids, no baggage from the past, and a family perphaps placed on a pedestal due to our current position in our community... Here is the truth and here are my insecurities:
1. My Body.
Ding! Ding! Ding! What woman isn't insecure about that in today's culture?! My revelation this after seeing pictures of this past weekend (in which I won't post because I'm... insecure) is that my stomache still looks 4 months pregnant! What's REALLY funny is that (unlike the average population) I actually thought I looked better until I saw pictures! Talk about a confidence killer! You see, I thought and felt I had looked like this:
(Well, kinda). When instead, I look like this:
Adalie being too scared to pee in the water. So she thought it best to pee right there.
O.k. So that was a quick bunny trail to our past camping weekend - which by the way was the best weekend ever. First one in 6 years where I didn't have to pack (drum roll please)... diapers!
Alrighty, the next thing I am insecure in is...
2. My Position.
I have been put in a situation in which I'm leading alot of women that I never expected to happen. Every Wednesday that I teach, I nearly want to vomit. I'm crabby. I'm insecure. I'm irritable toward my kids and I can barely focus. And my husband knows to expect very little of me that day. Why? Because I'm finding my security in what the women think of me vs. what God has already thought of me yesterday, today and forever. But the truth is, there are times when I lead these amazing women looking like this:
But inside, I feel like this:
The next thing I'm insecure in:
3. My Parenting.
As a minority homeschool mom, I struggle with the fear that every day I'm going to turn my kids into social rejects who wear 1780's clothing, don't know the most recent playground patty cake games, or how how to play kick-ball. In fact, I'm so insecure about it that I've let our home become the "free for all" community center where free popsicles are given out and they can play lego's in the bathtub anytime they want. Why? So I can be sure that they have a social life, duh. But the truth is, God called me to homeschool. If I simply obey the Big Rock, the little rocks (such as a social life and playground games) will fall into place. Self-lesson: Don't overdo a good thing simply because you're scared.
Hmm. The next thing I'm insecure in: Oh yes. The "S" word.
4. Sex.
Ya know, when you feel like this:
But you want to feel like this:
Moving on.
I really don't have much wisdom in my writing today. I could continue to list more and more things that I'm insecure in, but the point is this: I may come across in my writing as a very confident woman, and in many ways I am, when it comes to God and how He speaks to me. However, the reality is this: I'm just like you.
Let's end with Hebrews 10. Specifically vs.35, "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded." I think I'm going to chew on that chapter for awhile.....
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