Oh well!

This is obviously not a cool post but instead a big messy attempt to change my blog "real quick" only to find that changing it "real quick" isn't an option. I could choose to stay here and fix it, or.... spend some "time" with my husband. Lol! I'm going to choose the latter and suck of the embarrassment of this silly looking thing that doesn't match.

Surrender.

So regarding my blog titled "My Say My Way," I better add another example to that list:

• You pray God will provide a way for your husband to not have to return to a miserable job. He gets permanently laid off. You then whine to God asking "what about the money?"

So my husband lost his job last week. Although he was laid up do to foot surgery, he had a good feeling there wouldn't be a job when he came back. He asked for honesty from the company instead of waiting for the bomb to drop when he was ready to return. Sure enough, the phone call came last Monday. I'll never forget walking back to my cubicle to find a text message stating, "I'm officially jobless."

A wife and mother never wants her husband to come home and say "I lost my job today". That's something you only see in the movies, right? The idea of what that text message held for me flooded my body with sadness. I started crying, found my boss-friend, and she cried with me. But deep inside, I was celebrating. For it was true evidence that God was hearing our cries for Him to take our family and do something with it - something purposeful for the Kingdom outside of this comfortable little bubble we live in.

So we wait.

Currently, Jer is providing for our family through pain (like many laborers do I guess). Everyday he walks in pain waiting for his foot to heal. The limp is becoming normal, but he never complains. That pain brings us a paycheck every Friday in the mail. In four weeks, when that check stops he will file for unemployment, along with thousands of other Americans. Then what?

We wait for a phone call.

God has seemingly made it clear that our family is to attend a 6 month DTS program through YWAM in Kona, HI. While we wait for that phone call of acceptance, I have lived fighting to surrender: surrendering my need to know. Speaking of letting things go...

Lately "Push-Back Princess" Kasiah has been driving me nuts. Everything we ask her to do and everything we say does not come without intelligent push back from her smart little mouth. I feel like I have a lawyer in my house, fighting for authority with a 3 year old. One morning it was just too much and I snapped. Coming to work in tears I vented to my husband through e-mail. His response: "I wonder if that's how God feels?"

I've been thinking about my prayer life lately. Most of it has been filled with guilt and condemnation. I am certainly not one who spends time after time in prayer every day. I am not that begger at the door that Jesus talks about, who knocks and knocks until the man finally comes to the door and the begger gets what he wants. Why have I felt so guilty about that? Because Satan is manipulative.

I may have learned something about prayer in my life. There is power in prayer. But is there power in also letting go? God sees your heart, right? Maybe if I choose with a pure heart to no longer bargain and beg to get what I want, would it maybe represent...
1. An act of surrender?
2. An act of finding peace?
3. An act of recognizing that God doesn't need you to be His "Holy Spirit"?

Often prayer is more about the heart of the one praying, than the heart of the one being prayed for.

An example: When I met Jeremy 10 years ago, I spent hours of my life on my knees for him - particularly regarding his smoking. I would fast and pray and fast and pray for him to quit. Finally, one day I said "God, I'm just going to let this one go. When you want me to start praying again, let me know. But until then, I'm done. Not because I am giving up, but because I'm surrendering this one to you and finding peace regardless of his disgusting habit."

Ten years later Jeremy quit.

God did His thing without me. He certainly didn't use me or call me to be Jeremy's Holy Spirit. Jeremy quiting had absolutely nothing to do with me. But the initial time I spent in prayer with God over that situation changed my heart forever. It brought me to find peace in the fact that Jeremy may never quit. And even if he doesn't, God still sits on His throne.

Are we called to pray? YES! Prayer makes a difference and God uses believers! But I have found that often prayer is done with impure motives. Often, we think God lays something on our hearts to share with another, when really what is being shared is more about our agenda and the need for control. The need to feel needed by God. God doesn't need me. He created me for His enjoyment, but He certainly does not need me. How arrogant to even think such a thing!

What does this have to do with our current situation and Miss Lady Lawyer?

Surrender.
* Me to surrender my need to know.
* Kasiah to surrender the bedtime bagel.
* Me to surrender my need for understanding.
* Kasiah to surrender the gum.
* Me to surrender my desire to be elsewhere.
* Kasiah to surrender the play-dough.

Does there comes a time when you need to let go and let God? Stop arguing, stop begging... just stop? Be still and know that He is God. Never cease praying...Sure! But where in scripture does it say that prayer means requests? We need to pray more gratefully, more thankfully and less selfishly.

Lord, as we wait for this phone call from Kona, thank you for making us still.

Not Yet.

I'm not going to sugar coat things right now. I'm frustrated. I'm down-right impatient, tired, annoyed, irritated and feel like I could explode. At the same time, I'm relieved, thankful, grateful and praising God. Is having all of that at the same time even possible? I think so.

For ten years I have been standing as the intecessor between God and my husband. But about four months ago God picked me up and said "Thank you. But you're done now. Step aside." So in stepping aside I find myself incredibly relieved... and a bit lost. I am now having to redifine my relationship with God. Before I was desperate for him at the sake of a man I dearly love. I had true motivation to pray, fast, and read scripture. Now, well - I'm not sure.

On top of this, God has made it very clear to Jeremy that we are being (or will be) called to do two things:
1. Move
2. Quit our jobs and one (or both) get some sort of training/education

For what? I don't know. Where? Cluessless. When? Who the heck knowns! But la-de-dah, I know the song: It's all God's timing, don't run away, be patient, God knows best, blah blah blah.

There once was a time when I had so much faith, passion and trust that the thought of God irritating me was absurd. Today, I have never felt more annoyed. It's very obvious to me that I'm having to re-learn how to have a relationship with him on my own, aside from the role of intersecssor for Jeremy. So in that, my irritability is high when it comes to deciding what to do with our lives.

A co-worker of mine shared some great wisdom. He said, "God doesn't always care what you decide, as long as you take him with you." Awesome. That definitely took off pressure of making "the right" decision. But, I'm still very curious as to what God is up to. In fact, it reminds me of... popcorn.

A few weeks ago our family was sitting on the floor with a pile of board games and a fresh bowl of popcorn. As Jeremy, Dyson and myself were munching away, we noticed that Kasiah was not with us. Unfortunately, we noticed a bit too late. We were so caught up in stuffing our faces that there were merely 20 kernals left for our little girl.

Jeremy called her name and she announced she was in the kitchen. We were clueless to what she would be doing. Eating popcorn and playing games with the family is one of her favorite times of the day. What on earth could be more important to her right now? So Jeremy asked what she was doing.

"I'm getting water!" She yelled from the kitchen.
"Well, hurry up! The popcorn is almost gone!" Jeremy replied.
"Just wait! I'm getting waaaaater, daaaad!"

Now seriously, this girl could take two hours to eat five bites of a hot dog if she wanted to, so this was not something we were interested in waiting for. But when we looked up, we saw something we had not even noticed!



Kasiah was not just getting water. She was carefully and slowly getting a tall glass of cold water for each member of the family. And of course each glass had to have it's own special chair that fit each member of the family (papa bear, miss mamma bear, baby bear and Princess Goldilocks, I suppose).

Needless to say, we both felt like dirt. As we were stuffing our faces, consumed in the moment, Kasiah was joyfully serving in the background, preparing a gift for each of us to enjoy with our popcorn. And she was taking her time. She was also delivering the gifts right before our eyes and we never even noticed.

I'm pretty certain God is doing exactly that. I'm so caught up in the moment, stuffing my face with impatience, that I'm missing things right in front of me. I'm wondering where He is at and what He is up to. I wish He would hurry and give us answers or sign something in the sky. But He gave us brains to make our own decisions. He doesn't run, He walks. And just when I think He doesn't care, He'll reveal it all. But for now, not yet.

I think I'd better consider changing my attitude and working on our relationship.

Gross in Need of Grace.

Alright little man! You finally have your time to shine.... or not.

So last night I had just pulled Kasiah out of the bathtub. She was wearing her princess pink robe and we were combing her princess golden hair. Suddenly I heard "Uh Oh Mommy! Uh Oh!"

I looked behind me and Dyson was proceeding to climb out of the bathtub. "No Dyson!" I yelled, afraid he was going to slip. When I got closer, I saw what had happened. Yes, you guessed it, he pooped in the bathtub. Or maybe you didn't guess it. Maybe you're one of the lucky ones who has never had the priviledge of your bath water being sprinkled with the latest bath beads (scented"poopy pineapple pomegranate").

Needless to say, this was typical for our household. I took the kids upstairs, carrying naked Dyson who was repeatedly saying, "Poop, Mommy. Poop, Mommy."

"Yes Dyson, you pooped."

Jeremy, sitting at the computer heard what I said. Without me even having a chance to complain, he grabbed his crutches and hobbled across the living room toward the bathroom.

"I got it." He said.
"What?" I asked. "No Honey, I can clean it up."
"No, I got it!" He replied with a "no problem" tone of voice.

Now, Jeremy's cleaned up poopy bathwater before, such as the nights I'm not home. But never this willingly, especially on a night when Mrs. "Turd Tolerance" was home. I didn't have time to digest the moment because the kids demanded all of me. But later that night, after they were safely tucked away, that moment sunk deep into my heart. Jeremy (again) had just painted the perfect picture of Christ.

I thought about how often I make a huge mess of myself. And when I do, I sometimes (like my one year old) do what I can to get out of it. I'm not proud of it. But compared to the knowledge of God, I'm not fully capable of understanding it's utter disgust, either. And I certainly don't understand what it takes to clean it up!

Like Jeremy, Christ has given me the freedom to say "Uh Oh! Sorry!" and then walk away. He lovingly cleans up my disgusting mess. Never complaining. Everytime. Why? Because I'm his child, and He loves me.

My Say, My Way.

I promise I'll get to Dyson, I promise.

So we're tucking our children into bed and Kasiah decides to plug in her Christmas tree (which currently serves as their nite-light). Immediately I scolded her, demanding she never play with an electrical outlet. Of course the independent, confident princess argued. I did the "count to three" thing and with King daddy on my side, she obediently and tearfully went to bed.

We said our prayers, gave bear hugs and said good-night while walking out the door. But now this princess didn't like her pajamas. Wonderful. A 2nd "no" for her won't go well. We said she needed to stick to the pajama's she was wearing. This resulted in a time of arguing, convincing and crying. She wasn't going to get her way, so she moved onto the next thing.

"Mamma, will you sit on the stairs and watch me?"

For those of you who don't know this situation - sitting on the stairs until she falls asleep is comparable, well, according to Jeremy to "just one puff" of a cigarette. Although I felt rather insulted that he compared me to a cigarette, I knew he was right.

We had just broken this painful habit of needing mommy by her side every waking moment of bedtime. I needed to be very careful. A 3rd "no" could result in all hell breaking loose for Miss Mamma, King Daddy and Little Buddy (who was trying to sleep just two feet away).

"Kasiah, Mommy's going to take a bath. And when I'm done I'll come check on you." That was enough to keep her content for the time being. But through the entire bath she whimpered and whined like a little puppy. My hopes of her just falling asleep were well, hopeless.

When I finished, I reluctantly kept my promise and went to check on her, not sure what my plan would be. I needed to be careful of that "cigarette puff" you know.

I sat by her bedside and said, "I'll rub your back for a little bit, o.k.?" That one minute of Miss Mamma's soothing touch was enough to make her happy, reassured and secure again. I kissed her good night and walked upstairs. Thank Goodness!

Finding Jeremy I said "I didn't take the puff you idiot, we just smoked a cigar to help get us by."

Ha ha! Before my own bedtime last night, I thought about Kasiah. The pajama's were not about the pajama's. Momma sitting on the stairs was not about mamma sitting on the stairs. What this was truly about was her need to have her way.... her need to have her say, in at least something.

Wow. So comparable to my conversation with God. He says "No" so I move onto the next thing. He says "Yes" but His yes isn't good enough (or I forget that I even prayed for it).

• I pray for an intimate guy friend for Jer. And when He gets one (through a Christmas video in which I prayed for God's outcome on) I have to voice my say by giving advise and sharing my input of course. Why couldn't I just let it be and let God?
• I desire a church who's worship isn't boring and lifeless. God gives me that. Then I complain that it's just too much "performance" for me.
• I pray for a baby. He gives me one. So I complain about having to meet the child's needs.
• I pray for financial freedom. He gives it. I then complain about what I don't have.
• We water and fertilize our grass to make it grow, and then we complain about mowing it.
• We can't stand our boss. And when we get a new one, we complain about that one too.
• We complain about the snow, but in July we complain about the heat.
• We pray for a close and healthy family. He gives it. But then we complain how it doesn't look like someone else's.
• We complain about potholes. He gives construction workers. We then complain about the road construction.

I wonder if God ever says "Can I just kiss you good-night and leave you to sleep in peace while I take care of the details? Do you really have to have your say in everything?"

Here I thought I was this mature Christian. Really, I'm not much older than my 3 year old.


In this movie called "life" someone might see a glimpse of the back of our head for 1/5th of a second....Maybe. That's our life in comparison to the hugeness of God. And yet, we think the movie of life is all about us. Really, the main character is God. We are just an "extra."

http://www.crazylovebook.com/

see video - The Awe Factor of God.

Pain with a Purpose.

Now, as my third post about my daughter I hope it doesn't appear I'm forgetting about my son! But these moments are just too good to pass up!

Working away in my cubicle today, I saw I had a missed call. I returned the call to hear my daughter on the other end. My heart dropped. She was a complete wreck.
"Mommy! I want you to be here! I'm so scared!"

I smiled. Earlier Jeremy informed me that our Healthy Families nurse was stopping by to give her a flu shot. Our text message conversation looked something like this:

"She wants to come today, but can you just do it instead of me? This will break my heart!"

"Honey, Kasiah needs to learn that someday her Heavenly Father is going to allow pain in her life to protect her. What better way to learn that through her eartlhy father? But if you want to reschedule, I will!"

"Fine. I"ll tell her to come."

Ha ha! I pondered if I should tell him to prepare her, but dismissed the thought. But the phone call from my daughter told me he had done that very thing.

"Is Niki there sweetie?"
"I don't want to go to the doctor mamma! Please come home! I want you to be with me mamma!"

Now Kasiah was a complete wreck and absolutely horrified. So Jeremy and I then discussed if it was right to prepare her, or just let the shot unexpectedly come. I decided to once again compare Jeremy to God. What came to my mind? A car accident.

My nurse didn't think it was very cool to compare her and her flu shot to a car accident.... but I decided if God told me I was going to be in a car accident tomorrow and I couldn't do a thing about it, well, I wouldn't have wanted to know! So maybe, in Kasiah's mind this was like a car accident and just not cool!

Needless to say, the nurse came into the house while Kasiah was hiding... a scowl on her face. Daddy reluctantly went to her, picked her up and carried her directly to the needle. But he didn't leave her for one second. Instead, he held her the entire time, his heart completely breaking and hating every moment. When it was over, her petite little body wept while snuggled in his strong, burly comforting arms. His heart broke to see his little girl suffer. But the pain he allowed was a good pain, a protecting pain... and he did it because he loved her.

What a perfect picture of who God is - a loving dad who allows protecting pain, pain with a purpose...because He loves us.

Princess.

Determined, persistant and demanding. Strong-willed and stubborn. Polite, nurturing, independent, caring, helpful, giving and hilarious. Shy, smart and confident. Creative. Careful.

These words describe a little girl who knows exactly who she is. She is important and she is loved. She can hit, she can wet the bed and she can say "NO!". She can fight, make messes, mistakes and down right disobey. She can do whatever she wants and knows it doesn't matter.. she will always be loved. Why? Because she is a princess... the daughter of the king.

Her king showers her with kisses, hugs and "I love you's"'s. Her king protects her, plays with her and keeps her safe. Her king is big, burly and strong and no one in the world is tougher than him. He wrestles and tickles and makes her chocolate milk. Her king is cool. Her king is her daddy.I remember this past summer she had a friend over. They were on the pourch eating popscicles. I decided to listen in on conversation, curious to what a two and four year old would talk about.

The little Hawaiian girl said "My boyfriend is tall with brown hair and is this big!" She raised her arms in the air. Kasiah looked at her rather unimpressed, raised her arms even higher and said, "Well my daddy is THIS big!" I smiled. Her daddy truly was her king. The most important man in her life. I prayed it would stay that way for a very long time. And because her daddy is the king, well...that makes her a princess of course. Yes, she's a princess with boundaries that consists of love spanks and time-outs. But she knows it's because we love her. No wonder she lives life with wings - joyful, carefree and confident.

I hope to one day find the Princess in me. Afterall, isn't my father called the "King of Kings"?