It's All His Anyway.

Jeremy and I have very generous parents at Christmas time when it comes to their kids. And this year, when asking for our Christmas list, we made the decision to only ask for cash.  I excitedly wrote, "Our 10 year anniversary is coming up in a year and a half and we want to do something special!"

We knew how slow...slow...sloooow (as "Cat In The Hat" would say) it takes to build up our savings with the job God has called Jeremy to live out. So we thought this to be smart. Until I called our Edward Jones guy who is a fan of Dave Ramsey. Grr.

After a half hour conversation, we came to the realization that if putting our Christmas money, cashing out our credit card points (in which we built up when Jer ran his own business for the purpose of a plane ticket), AND draining our one savings account (also saved up for a trip).... we could be (drum roll please)...dut du duuuhh!...... debt free by April.

So in about 5 days we are kissing Cancun good-bye and writing a stupid check to my college loan, sealed with a curse and a prayer that maybe, just maybe, God will allow a miracle to happen. We kind of feel like that newlyweed couple on the movie "Up" who dreams about a trip together and tries to save up the money jar, only to shatter it over and over for stupid bills. :) We've had that jar for years and God never fails to surprise us with His plans for it instead. I'm sure you know the feeling.

I felt really terrible at the Christmas gathering when people all around us were opening up gifts left and right, and Jer didn't open a single gift. He said it didn't bother him. But it bothered me. He works so hard for this family and has already given up his hobbies and sold his toys - his duck boat, decoys, and quad just to name a few - so we could pay bills - so that I could stay home and raise our kids.  He deserved to be lavished this Christmas. And instead, this money was going toward debt. Debt for my college degree. A degree that I'm not even using. Woop De Doo.  But on the way home I looked at him said, "Well, like Ramsey says. Live like no one else today and we'll live like no one else later, right?"

My devotions lately has been from Luke 18. The Rich Ruler.

He came into contact with Jesus and asked Him how He could get to Heaven. Christ (with a point to make) listed all of these rules to follow. The man said, "I have obeyed these rules since I was a child." Jesus said, "All right. What about your money? Your toys? Your comfort? Sell that and you'll get in."

The man couldn't do it. He walked away choosing his wealth, but grieving over the choice.

So then Jesus says to the people who watched the moment, "You know, it's easier for a camel to walk through the eye of a needle than for anyone to get to heaven." They ask, "well how the heck are we supposed to make it then?!" Jesus responds, "With God all things are possible."

What He was so mysteriously saying was, "You can be as wonderful and good as you think you are, but you're not getting in. Face it. Heaven is perfect. You're not. Sorry." So, that's why He gave us Easter.

So it's fixed, right? We all get in? Nope.

Just like the rich young ruler, if you want to take on His free gift of life happily ever after, it comes with a cost.  For the longest time I thought that if you just "pray the prayer" with someone to "ask Jesus into their heart" you're in.  Maybe, but I will never ever again talk to anyone about heaven or even raise my kids to believe that until they first understand Luke 14:25.

Jesus Himself is saying, "Um. O.k. Do you build a house without first getting an estimate? yeah, nope.  Do the same with me. Don't ask to get into my family without first understanding what that means." 

It means  - being willing to surrender everything and pick up your own personal cross to follow Him. It means understanding that if you're going to take on this life as a so called "Christian" then you are signing over your rights.

Your right to happiness (he's more concerned about holiness).
Your right to run your own agenda and your plans.
Your right to your money.
Your right to do the things you want to do.
Your right to be treated the way you think you should be treated.

Doesn't sound very fun, does it?  OH IT IS! There is nothing greater than living a life, knowing I've got a Good Boss who knows what's going on and can see things I can not see (versus a greedy crappy boss who thinks he knows but really doesn't). A perfect Boss who can't screw up is telling me what to do with my time, my money, my character, my stuff... because the truth is, it's not even mine anyway. It's His.

When I start living and acting that way, I have found that in the end I am much less stressed out. He does a much better job with His angenda, His money and His people then I could ever do. I fail to realize this a lot.

So, this Christmas He called Jer and I to spend His money paying off debt. Boring...but good. And we trust He sees something for our 10 year anniversary on June 21, 2013 that we just can't see.  Whatever it is, I'm certain it's great!

So with this New Year, I challenge you to to count the cost and give it all up. It's worth it. I promise... and it's anything BUT boring.

Happy New Year!

It all worked out in the end. :)

Breathe It In.

(Disclaimer: If coming here as a result of my Christmas card, please read my previous blog.)

This Christmas I am thinking about the family who's 15 year old daughter was shot a mile away from a neighbor who was cleaning his gun. I'm thinking about the toddler who disappeared in the night from her bedroom. About my friend who's teenage son committed suicide a year ago. About the parents who's 10 day old baby died last week.

This Christmas I'm thinking about the wife who just found out her husband has been cheating on her. I'm thinking about the man who walked through the door to share with his family that he lost his job. About the 3 sisters who have been repeatedly raped by their father, in every position you could image, threating to murder their mom if they said a word. Ages 5, 10 and 13. About the single who longs to be married and only feels more lonely this time of the year. About my cousin who thought he'd be spending this Christmas with his family for the first time in 8 years, but is unfairly spending it in prison.

I'm thinking about my husband who is sick of this bondage, tired of this addiction, wondering why God won't deliver him....and is on week #2 of time #5 of trying to quit smoking again. I'm thinking about my sister who's heart is breaking over her broken family. This Christmas I'm thinking about that girl who was trafficked, drugged and is being repeatedly raped right here in Sioux Falls. Yes, here where no one thinks it happens.

I'm thinking about the thousands of other children being trafficked right here in our country, all around us, every day... and yet we fail to see it. About that alcoholic wife or husband. That car accident that killed your child. That bank account that screams failure.  I'm thinking about your exhaustion in parenting, your sucky job, your hurting marriage, your rebellious child. Your feelings of inadaquacy, failure and self-hate. Your addiction.

This Christmas I'm thinking about Christ. And one phrase comes to my mind: THANK GOD! Thank God someone came to rescue us from this **itty life. Excuse my language, but there is just no other word to describe the hell that goes on every single day. Thank GOD He came. Thank GOD he died. Thank GOD he rose again.... and thank GOD if we believe it we will one day escape it. Forever. But you have to believe it.

I was driving to Gordmans to do some last minute shopping. Jeremy had come home from work. Completely depressed. Completely defeated. I was so frustrated. It had to do with 2 things:
1. Work.
2. Me.

I drove into town, tears streaming down my face. I understood why he felt that way, but I couldn't fix it. So I took in a breath and breathed in Christmas. A feeling of peace and relief came over me and I simply said, "Thank you God for Jesus. For being my life savor from this screwed up life."

Then Santa came to my mind and his notorious lifesaver books. I smiled. One for each of my kids (minus my missing teeth toddler) was sitting in my red Target bag in my closet. Suddenly they took on an entirely different meaning.

Santa is coming to our house tonight. A night early because we're driving to Grandma's (I hope they don't ask questions).... And tomorrow I can't wait to tell them that Christmas isn't about Jesus Birthday after all.....
It's about Easter.

Merry Christmas!

(This blog is not to be intended that I'm all depressed and broken..... I got a phone call from somone all worried about me. :) It's just a random "ah ha" moment I thought I should share!)

Dykstra Family 2011 Christmas Letter

Some of you have received our Christmas card leading you to this very place. Others will be receiving one in the mail soon! And some are blog followers, some of whom I've never met. Regardless of who you are, enjoy!

2011.
I would like to say that this was the year we found it.  Although I can't exactly specify what "it" really is.

Maybe it's joy....because after 12 years of hardships we are finally in a season of healing and restoration.

Maybe it's contentment... because after years of selling more wealth out than taking in, we have found a life of sweet simplicity.

Maybe it's community.... because after years of re-locating we have found a place to stick for awhile. A place where everyone we see knows us for today and not for yesterday. A place with a fresh reputation.

Maybe it's the stability... because after years of kinda being homeless (but not really), we have a contract signed. No one can walk in and decide to take our home away.

But first, let me introduce you to....

KASIAH.

Kasiah is 5 and in Kindergarten. I homeschool her. Either I'm weird, or I'm just part of the latest growing trend. I'm not sure. But she loves it and so do I. 

Our most memorable moment with Kasiah was her first dance recital. This cautious little girl doesn't like change or unexpected moments in which she can't prepare for (because then she can't be at her best). If she can't do it right the first time, she might not even try at all. But she stood out on this day, her skinny little ballet legs, glittery tutu, and all. We were quite impressed with our new dancing star who overcame her struggle with shyness. 

Kasiah is our sweet-hearted, stubborn and compassionate kid who loves to love others. She is a nurturer. She is too smart for her own age and is our little Holy Spirit.

If you wanted to find Kasiah at her happiest moment she would be wearing a tutu, leggings and cowgirl boots while riding a horse. A real one. A really fast one. To save a lost kitten while butterflies are fluttering all around her. And after the kitten is saved, she would go feed her babies and put them to sleep, making sure they are safe and warm. And if she isn't doing that, her happiest place would be on a date. As long as it's with daddy.

If you wanted to find us at our most frustrated moments it would be when she's trying to decide on what to wear...or when trying to convince her to eat meat (or at least some peanut butter to prevent iron deficiency)!

And that is our Kasiah.

DYSON.

Dyson is 4 and in preschool. I don't homeschool Dyson. I probably will next year and that will be a challenge. Dyson is known by his teacher as the kid who's always happy. He is our soft-hearted mamma's boy with a lot of energy. Dyson is known for his hair and his humor. He has many famous quotes such as:

"Mom, if we can't get a happy meal does that mean we're getting a sad meal?"

or

 when responding to a friend who noticed our kingsize bed....

Friend: "Woah! You're parents bed is big!"

Dyson: "That's because my mommy is big."

My most memorable moment of the year was receiving a birthday gift from Dyson. A bracelet he found on the playground. One he was so very very  proud of. It read: "I love boobies. Save a breast." Jeremy's most memorable moment would be when Dyson both wakeboarded (in Jer's arms) and skied for the first time.

If you wanted to find Dyson in his happiest moments you would find him wakeboarding, eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich, cuddling with mommy, drinking hot chocolate while watching "Cat In The Hat" or sneaking out of the house with mom late at night to catch fireflies in his pajamas (shhhh. His sister doesn't know).

If you wanted to find us at our most frustrated moments, it would be when needing Dyson to focus on things like eating. Making sure after he takes a bite he doesn't fall off his chair, and while on the floor notice a toy, and when noticing the toy realize it's an airplane, and then when realizing it's an airplane, decide to fly all around the room... all before taking his next bite.

And that is our Dyson.

ADALIE.

On Thanksgiving, Adalie turned 2. She is our little princess who has not stopped asking for "pookie pie" (pumpkin pie) ever since Thanksgiving. She loves pookie pie. No, she just loves to eat. Adalie is our strong-willed toddler who is mommy's least favorite piece of clothing. If she's not worn as a purse on my hip it's because she's transformed into my pretty pink leg warmers.

Adalie is known for her cuteness, chubby thighs and sucking her thumb while playing with her ear. If you look closely, both of her ears are folded over. I'll never understand it. She is ready to potty train, and has shown us several times she can do it. However, not even sugary treats will convince this sweet tooth girl to use the froggy potty. Her diaper is her happy place where she is safe. So we'll just let that go for now.

If you could find Adalie in her happiest moments, it would be when pretending to be a piece of mommy's clothing while holding her blankie, sucking her thumb and holding her juice cup in her arm pit. She would also be wearing a tutu. No, not one of them, but 6 of them.... at once and taking mom's hand to twirl around on the floor to music. She also loves babies, just like her big sister.

Our most frustrating moments are dealing with two year old tantrums, which usually rear their ugly heads while being forced to sit in her carseat.... or denied the opportunity to indulge in sweets, juice or pookie pie. And of course, for mom, when being worn as clothing all. the. TIME!
And that folks,... is our Adalie.

ME.

I (Danielle) am a full-time working wife and mom. My purpose in life right now is to help my husband be all he can be. If this happens, I and the kids will become all we can be. A team is only as good as it's leader. My next purpose (although it consumes all my time) is raising my kids. On the side God uses me to lead a study for women in our community. I love it. I love them. They are awesome.  I also work very part-time helping my mother-in-law in her tumblebus business. Check her out at http://www.superstartumblebus.com/

If you could find me in my happiest moments they would be:

1. Spending a "family only" day (no cell phones allowed) and doing something fun like hitting a waterpark or eating out somewhere at a sit down restaurant where I don't have to get up. Once.

2. Spending a "Jeremy only" day that involves good movies, not getting out of bed, carmel-vanilla latte's, good conversation, and a lot of Mr. Pibb... with BLT pizza's and fattening appetizers like cheese balls. Maybe a hotel in which I don't have to worry about cleaning up messes. That would perfect. Yes. Perfect.

OR

3. Spending a "one girlfriend only" hour (or three). I'm not a big group person. But give me one or two hours with a close friend and a latte, to have good conversations that don't involve the latest fads, shopping, Peoples Magazine or Kim Kardashian, then I am good.

JEREMY.

Jeremy is my hero. He wouldn't see himself that way, but he is. If there is anyone I am the most proud of in my life, it is him. He has learned what it means to sacrifice selfishness for his family. He will do whatever it takes, no matter the job. He will powerwash hog confinements. Gross! He will roof houses on days like today. Freezing! But not only is Jeremy a hardworker physically, he is a hard worker spiritually. 

Satan gives Jeremy a lot of attention. A lot. He is gifted and has already started wrecking this world for Christ. Jer is a warrior and is willing to humble himself and seek out men for help in every area of his life. He has found a group of men to be his warriors with him. It's awesome. They are awesome. And I have prayed for men like them for 12 years. And God has finally answered. When Jeremy leads our church in prayer or shares a word, something happens. "It" happens, whatever it is.

If you could find Jeremy in his happiest moments (other than the thing that makes every man happy), you would find him:

1. In a place of really good worship, maybe rocking out in his truck with Misty Edwards or Skillet (yes, quite a contrast).

2. Wakeboarding with a bunch of guys on a warm summer evening. 

3. Walking through the door after a long day of work to his little blondies running up to him yelling, "Daaaaaddddy!" while throwing their arms around him.

4. Alone, with me. Meaning our children are far, far away. :)

5. After powerfully and motivationally speaking to a group of people about God, getting to experience the impact it has brought to their lives.

Our most frustrating moments with each other are.... o.k. I won't do that. :)

And that is us.

So what exactly is it that we have found? We certainly haven't found the perfect marriage, more money in the bank, or perfect children. We haven't found the perfect home with soft-water and room to run. We haven't found a nice mini-van with a DVD player in the backseat. We haven't found a fancy cell-phone or the latest fashions. We still struggle. We still fight. We still cry. We still battle.

But in all of this, we're solid. Because it's not really what we found. It's who we found.... more of.

God has grown us up with His Spirit and rocked our world in 2011. And there is no looking back. With Him there is more contenment, stability, community and joy. There is more peace, patience, kindness and goodness. There is more faithfulness and gentleness. More self-control.

There is more of everything we need to endure everything we go through (and we still go through the crap). But He is restoring us, renewing us and equipping us. And as much as I hate to say it, the next huge storm will come our way. But for now, we are soaking up the calm. Trusting that when it hits we will remember...brokenness is beautiful.

May you find more of Him as well this Christmas. May you remember God does answer prayer. Don't give up. Look for the rainbows of promises in your storms. Remember that to God one day is like 1,000 years. There is a purpose for your pain and He really does love you. Even when it doesn't feel like it. If he didn't, we wouldn't have Christmas....

With Love,

Jeremy & Danielle

His Agenda... Not Theirs.

(I wrote this blog two days ago, and today, the day before we leave for 3 days I am having to tell myself to walk my writing! Ugh....)

Expectations.  Gotta love them. We are living breathless, frazzled lives.

If you're like me you walk around with a constant guilt that you're never doing enough. Or you walk around (or should I say run around) like the energizer bunny doing many things poorly and few things well. There is too much on our minds and forgetfulness is our best friend. And at the end of the day we have accomplished much, but we are tired. We feel as if life is flying past with zero moments to simply be. Or maybe we do enjoy it... but only because our identity is placed in what we do vs. who we are. Or should I say whose we are? Are others suffering because there is too much on our plate? Was Jesus a crazy energizer bunny only doing, doing, doing? Do we need to learn to say no?

Expectations. Who's expectations are we meeting? Others or are they self-induced? Or both?

Romans 14 talks about personal conviction. There are certain things that are very black and white in the bible of God's expectations of us. I'm going to list a few that He's revealed to me this week through my children. His expectations of us are personal. Meaning they are expectations for you, but maybe not for me. And of course there are certain generic expectations required from all of us. Overall however, during this very busy holiday season, I encourage you to remember one very important thing. I will share that in a moment. But first.... some things God revealed to me this week:

Discipline
Yesterday I overheard Kasiah talking to herself in the kitchen. She is my intelligent teenager at the age of 6. She was obviously wrestling with what to do. "(sigh) I want some pretzles but I know I have to finish this corndog first. But I don't want to. I'm full and I don't like it. But I want some pretzles." The truth is, I never said to her she couldn't have pretzles until she ate her corndog. But I guess I didn't need to. She knew. It's the same expectation every single time.

Are we consistently spending enough time with God that we know His basic everyday expectations without even having to ask?
Prayer
Last week Kasiah was asked to come to her friend Zoe's house for a play date on Friday. She had never been to Zoe's house before and was scared. She is a creature by habit and hates to try new things. She hates being uncomfortable. As I was rocking Adalie in the bedroom, I overheard her talking to Dyson, her 4 year old brother. "Will you pray for me buddy? Because I'm scared." Dyson responded, "I will Kasiah! I will pray right now! And tomorrow too!"

I smiled. As any mother who feels like she is never getting it right, as any mother who feels "monster mommy" comes out a little too often, it's moments like these that remind you you're doing o.k. I felt instant relief in the middle of my inner turmoil of feeling like a failure. The kids did get it. And I didn't even  have to say a word.

Is God simply a 10 minute quiet time start to the day, or is our life a prayer?
Selflessness
As of last night at 8:00 I was a trainwreck. I had just gone two nights without sleep cleaning up vomit from all 3 children. And now I was coming down with the flu.  We were invited to go to a leadership class at our old church in Sioux Falls. The speaker was a man who is mentored by Chuck Swindoll. Oooohh I wanted to go so bad! Jeremy asked me how I felt about him going. I said I didn't care. HA! Women, we know what those words really mean. Oh I did care. And I wanted him to want to stay home with his sick and tired wife and take care of the kids.

At 6:30 I crawled into the bath and never wanted to come out. Jeremy was feeding the kids and getting them ready for bed. He came in and asked again, "Are you sure honey? I don't feel right about going and I don't need to."  My selfishness wanted to respond "No! I'm not sure! Hello?!" But the Holy Spirit said to me, "If you are willing to suffer tonight you will reap the benefits tomorrow." I was being told to release him to go.

So I did. And before tomorrow came I was already reaping the benefits of selflessness. My daughter, unknown to me as I layed lifeless in our bed, spent the rest of the evening cleaning the kitchen and doing the dishes. She saw an opportunity to serve and have compassion on me. And I didn't even have to ask her.

Then there is today. Today there is a new spark in my husband that wouldn't have been there if I was selfish, whiney or said "I don't care" with a "yes I do care" tone of voice.  Jeremy found a new sense of purpose working full-time at the grain elevator, in which yesterday he was simply ready to quit and jump into full-time ministry.

God expects us to be selfless and the joy of that is immeasurable. I can't say I would have responded the same way if the leadership class would have been hunting or football. I guess we need to remember to use discernment. At times that stuff is an addiction and you need to voice your anger. At other times selflessness is best and we'll feel it's fruit the next day.

Priorities
When faced with choices or certain situations my kids and I have the habit of asking othe question, "What's more important? This... or that?" On Saturday night we were setting up our Christmas Tree as a family (yes, before Thanksgiving) and I was talking on the phone with my friend about a birthday party Dyson had missed that day. When I got off and joined the kids, having been tired and irritated from a pile up of incidences that day, I casually told the kids not to put the balls so close together that they were kissing each other. Kasiah snapped at me and she said, "Well MOM! If you were doing this and not talking on the phone it wouldn't have happened! What's more important Mom? Jesus or the cell phone?!"

Stunned. Completely stunned. So I snapped back and said, "You're being judgmental!" And then Jeremy (also having stored up irritations over the course of the day) snapped as well, "And you're being snotty!"

With that, our blonde-haired 6 year old teenager ran to her room, slammed the door and threw herself onto the bed crying. After a few moments I went into her room and asked why she was crying. She responded, "Because you called me.... um, that thing and then (sniff sniff) daddy called me snooty or whatever." I chuckled inside. She didn't know what judmental meant and certainly had never heard the word "snotty." Regardless, she knew she was called names and it hurt. Both Jeremy and I apologized. Needless to say, Kasiah's outburst of anger was driven by hurt. She felt mommy's priorites weren't right and that I was choosing something else over her.
This week I gave my brother a ride. Rarely am I alone with my brother. I enjoyed the time. He is married with four kids ages 7 and under. He was sharing with me about serving in the church and how he's struggling putting a limit on the amount of time they desire of him and his wife.  I looked at him and said, "I believe on judgment day that God might first hold you accountable for your family. You will stand before him and have to face whether or not your wife and children are healthy."

How you live reflects what you believe. You can know that God calls us to put our spouse and children first before outside situations... but if you're not actually living it out you don't truly believe it.

His Agenda. Not Theirs.
This leads me to the #1 thing I encourage all of us to remember during this busy holiday season. I read about this in a book so I can't take credit for this revelation. But in John 17 the last hour has come for Jesus before being arrested. He prays. He prays to glorify God, he prays for his disciples, and then he prays for us. But in John 4 he says "I have brought glory on earth by finishing the work you gave me to do." Not the disciples, not the crowds, not his family and friends... but what God wanted him to do.

Let's slow down and pray for discernment. Let's be intentional about asking God to give us wisdom in knowing the difference between serving Him by serving others, or serving others by serving others.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss wrote:
"Apart from living in constant, conscious union and dependence on God, I cannot do anything of spiritual or eternal value.  I can create a lot of activity and stir up a lot of spiritual dust. I can make a lot of decisions, but I will end up having nothing of real value to show for my life when I attempt to take on responsibilities that are not on Gods agenda for me. If I establish my own agenda and let others determine the priorities for my life, rather than taking time to discern what it is that God wants me to do, I end up buried under piles of half-finished, poorly done, or never-attempted tasks. I live with guilt, frustration and haste rather than enjoying the peaceful, well-ordered life that God intended."

Let's be intentional about spending every morning with this prayer, "Good morning Lord, what is it that YOU want me to do today?" and then do it (and only it).
Happy Thanksgiving from my family to yours!

For the Men.

I lead a bible study of 15 women and every single time, regardless of what we're talking about, it always seems to loop back to pain in marriages.  I would say 75% of the women are hurting.

I've been thinking about that.  It sucks. When women are hurting in their marriages, it comes out sideways. We become people that we hate. You too! We become critical and crabby. Controlling. Irritating. We become a person you really wouldn't want to be around. But the truth is, in all of those things, we're really just hurting and we miss you. We miss the days we were in love, when you were crazy about us and thought of us as the only woman in the world. We miss the days that we would receive flowers for no reason or get excited when we heard "beep beep beep" on our phone's, with a text message from you. We miss the days you actually talked to us, or came home to be with... us.

We're scared.
We're scared you might cheat on us because we can't compete with the porn, or the girl next door.
We're scared because we know you're cheating on us, but if we confront it you might leave.
We're scared because you cheated on us before, and we let you back in... but will it happen again?

We don't feel protected or cherished unless we look or act a certain way. We don't feel loved unconditionally.  And you probably feel the same about us. You miss respect and appreciation. You miss our support and you're sick of our criticism and condemnation.

But the truth is, we are crazy about you. The truth is, we don't want to lead in our homes. We only feel like we have to. The truth is, we fail.  We realize when we encourage you to take leadership, we screw it up  by biting your head off because you didn't "do it right."  We understand why you wouldn't want to lead.

Who wants to take leadership if in doing so means your every move will be criticized? You're right.
Who wants to get involved with the kids if when you do it, you ripped out for not putting on matching clothes or letting them stay up to late. You're right.
Who wants to take leadership if your every decision gets challenged and you feel as if their is no trust in your leadership anyway. Why try? You're right.
Who wants to initiate in helping around the house when if you fold the towels, they just get re-folded anyway. You're right.

We forget that Eve was created not to lead, but to help Adam. We have forgotten our very purpose of why we were created. We need your help in letting go. We need your help in helping you learn to lead. We need your help in letting you lead! We need  you to communicate to us. Then we'll understand. We'll get it! But we can't read your mind.

You need sex. We need a leader.

One we can trust to protect us and our family. One we can feel safe under. One we feel so incredibly safe with, that when in the bedroom you wouldn't have to work so darn hard. We don't intentionally keep it from you (although some do, and thats not right), but our emotions play a huge role in the bedroom. If we are hurting, you will feel that pain come out.... when not a whole lot comes out.

The truth is, our circumstances might never change.
Our finances will always be hit.
Our jobs will always bring stress.
Our co-workers will always drives us crazy.
Our bosses might always suck.
Our kids will always exhaust us.
Our cars will always break down.
Our houses will always need repaired.
Our health will always deal with sickness.

There's always going to be something.

And the truth is, when dealing with the crap...
The alcohol will always wear off the next day.
The pornography will always bring emptiness and shame.
The cigarette will only satisfy for a while.
The girl next door will always reveal she's not so great afterall.
The money money money will always bring happiness for only awhile.

And God will always show that He is always the only satisfaction. Always and everytime.

The truth is, one day we will stand before God. And when that day comes, He will look at me and hold me responsible for my actions, regardless if you sucked it up or not.  Eve screwed it up. And so do I. She didn't have PMS, a crappy husband, naughty kids, or bad finances to blame. She was held fully responsible for biting that stupid apple. And we will be held accountable for our crappy attitudes, always complaining, gossiping, jealousy, critisism, condemnation and stubbornness too.

The truth is, God  first approach Adam. And on judgment day, God might first approach you.  And even though I suck it up and will be held accountable for every issue I bring, you will be held accountable for whether or not our marriage and family is healthy. You were delegated to lead us, and to lead us well. 

We are a football team in this game of life. You are the coach, and I am the assistant and we are training our kids to play the game. And God owns this team. He paid a lot of money to watch us play and offer heaven at the end of the game. Don't screw it up. Help me to not screw this up!

You can choose to sit on the bench and watch me lead, but honestly I don't want to. I'm not as good at it as you were created to be. There is a hero in you, and I might have squelched that hero right out of ya, but I need you to tell me that. These players don't want me to coach. They want you to do your job!

But the truth is, you can't coach this team unless you spend time studying the playbook and talking to the guy who wrote it. Come on babe, step it up. Be my man. Be the kid's man. Run to God and ditch the fake stuff that doesn't really do any of us any good. 

Do it, babe, and you'll see this team play a much better game. Do it, and you'll see us win.....

Beautiful Brokenness.

I would like to thank my amazing friend, Liza, for coming to my rescue and working on my blog. Thank you, thank you! You are a beautiful friend... not just for what you do, but for who you are.

Recently, Jer and I recieved a phone call that devastated us. A couple we love very, very, much are in the midst of suffering from an affair. It's just crazy. Every month we hear of 1-2 more couples (Christian couples) who have cheated on their spouses. As you know, Jer and I survived 3 affairs, so having been to "emotional hell" and back ourselves, it grieves us every time. And we certainly don't "look down" upon the situation.

However, when I find both spouses run to God for healing, instead of having a broken heart I begin to rejoice. I have to catch myself. If I'm too quick to express this, I come off as being insensitive or not really "understanding" the tradgedy of the situation. But truth is this: Brokenness is beautiful.

In 2004 I remember sitting around a table with some christian education leaders, ranging in ages of 20 to 50. They asked us to go around the table and talk about what we valued. They expressed things like, their wife, their children, the Lord, etc.  When it was my turn, I honestly and matter of factly said, "I value brokenness."

The room froze in silence. My leader said, "I think that's really mature of you to say." I didn't really think of it that way. I wasn't trying to be wise in my speech, I just simply valued brokenness. By this age in my life I had suffered a deep depression as well as lonliness. At the age of 20, that isn't a whole lot. Many girls by then have been down the road of losing a parent, a spouse, drugs, sex, alcohol, abuse, etc. I hadn't experienced any of that. But I did experience the isolated feeling of lonliness. God had previously called me to do something that was very radical. I had no support and was completely on my own. I looked crazy. And as a people pleaser, this was heart wrenching to me. But it was during this time that I found a relationship with God in a way that could never have been possible without brokenness. 

That day I boldly prayed in my heart (I didn't dare out loud!) for the Lord to break everyone in that room. And I prayed for my own brokenness. It's a very scary thing to pray for! Since that prayer I experienced 3 miscarriages, 3 affairs, and tremendous upheavals of job changes, house moves and financial stress. But every single time I have grown closer and closer to the face of God.

And let me tell you, the beauty, the joy, the satisfaction, and the peace you experience far exceeds anything this world could ever offer. I love seeing God more clearly, day by day, year by year. But the thing is, if you always do what you've always done, you'll always be where you've always been.

You have to be willing to allow Him to uproot you. You have to be willing to get uncomfortable.You have to be willing to release control. You have to be willing to surrender everything. And if you do, He will reveal Himself to you... and nothing is better than that. Not so sure? Well, unless you've experienced it you can't know what you're missing.

Back to today:
I am walking with this woman who's already thin skinned heart has been ripped out of her chest, thrown on the floor and left broken, bleeding and bruised. My heart aches when I think of the emotional tormented road ahead of her. Her dreams (literal dreams). Her thoughts. Her heart. Every part of her being is now left as an easy target to be tortured by Satan. And isn't it just like Satan? To rip out of her life the very man she is supposed to take safe, spiritual protection under? Women, that's when he gets us! He did it back with Eve, the very first woman, enticing her when Adam wasn't there as her headship... and it's still his strategy today. But that's just it. I'm watching it unfold right before my eyes, just as I had predicted. And it's beautiful.

For the first time in her life, she is truly hearing God speak to her. Not to me to her. Not to her mom to her, Not to pastor to her. To HER. The other day she was barely able to make it through the day, and she prayed, "God help me right now, I can't do this." She was on her phone and went onto Pandora. I'm not up to date with the latest technology, but what I do know, is that Pandora randomly selects songs for you.  Well, this incident was anything BUT random. This was God... speaking directly to HER. He immediately answered her prayer and gave her this:

I want to wrap this up with one last thing. When I heard the terrible news of the affair I said to Jer all the same things people had said to me the next day:

"She can't handle this. She's not as strong as you were."
"She has more kids, than you did."
"She has a low self-esteem, you didn't."
"She doesn't have a good support group like you did."
"She isn't as rooted in the Lord, as you were."
"She doesn't know who she is, you did."

All of these things revealed why she was weak and couldn't survive such an incident. Perhaps the list is similar to yours, or to someone you know who is truly broken.  But God slammed me with truth, soon after. He said to me, "Seriously Danielle. Do I suddenly become "weaker" when in the flesh of a "weaker" person? Come on. 2 Corinthians 12:10 - ...for when you are weak, I am strong."

Woah.

Lie: A weaker person...the crappier the situation.
Truth: A weaker person...the sweeter the situation. If running toward God, of course.

Less of you... more of God.

Divorce happens when one or both are not seeking God. In this case, both ARE running to God. And I can't wait to be a part of their story, for this is going to be one happy ending!

The Joys In Having Little.

This summer has been great and difficult all at the same time. As you know, my husband dropped his business a few months back and took a 50% paycut out of faith. I have never met a man in all my life who works as hard as my husband. He provides for this family with his entire heart, soul and body. Satan often attacks him by feeding him lies in our financial situation, calling him a financial failure, etc.

But the truth is, Jeremy is the most successful man I have ever met. For I am sure that his heavenly treasures far outweigh many of the worthless american dollars sitting in some "successful" persons bank account today.

I want to post some summer stories to show the power of God. To show that when you follow the Lord with your entire heart, anything can happen, regardless of your checking account.

What if I told you that we are a family of 5 living off an income that rates among the lowest percentage bracket we could be placed in? What if I told you that despite that, we have not gone hungry, have not been late on bills, have plenty of clothing and have still been able to reasonably enjoy our summer as a family? What if I told you that I am still a full time stay-at-home Mom?

And what if I told you that we tithe 10%? Would you believe me?

Although not a day passes in which Jeremy or I struggle with some level of fear, anxiety or worry, God has been faithful. Every. Single. Time....

Even in the dumb things.

Story #1 - A few weeks back I was looking at my children's photo's sitting around the house. As adorable as they were, I fell into the sin of comparison and jealously. I thought about my fellow friends who have these beautiful professional shots of their children with special editing. I thought to myself how nice it would be to afford that someday. Going on with my day, I got online and opened up our wells fargo account to find a meesly $1.25 remaining. After I picked my heart up from the floor, and put it back in place, I moved on in peace, knowing who I belonged too. I said a prayer and the Spirit calmed me.

Two hours later I received a phone call. It was my friend Amy, an amazing professional photograper in which I could only ever dream to afford. She said, "Danielle, what are you doing today? I want to take shots of your kids....." She was there in 30 minutes, and in less than 2 hours had turned over the following photos to me... for free.. as she was preparing to launch a new avenue for her business. These are just a few of hundreds...

God didn't add to our checking account that day. But He did say, "Danielle, I love you and everything about you. What matters to you also matter to me."

Three days later we received an unexpected gift card of $100.00 to our local grocery store, from a man we had never met.

Story #2

- Our family has learned to priortize what matters based on how we spend our money. Meaning, we'll spend money on family fun before materialistic things. Over the years of endless struggles and heartaches, we have become extremely close. We want to be a family who knows how to be content and find joy in the little things. We want to be parents, who despite our checking accounts, still know how to give our children memories. One memory I will never forget is my birthday.

July 9, this year, I turned 31. The only gift I wanted was a family day. A day in which we could have fun together. A day that did not include cooking or laundry. We woke up that morning and headed into Perkins for breakfast. What I did not know was that my children had also gathered in their plastic sacs around 20 different gifts they had wrapped. As we sat and waited for our order to come, I opened up each gift one by one. A tool belt, stickers, coloring pages, strawberry shortcake dolls, and horses. But my favorite gift was from Dyson. It was his very last one. He handed it over and anxiously said, "Here mommy! Here mommy!" His eyes were larger than what they already are, absolutely filled with excitement. I opened it up and saw a beautiful blue bracelet. "Wow buddy! Thank you sooooo much! I love it!!" I read what it said and then showed it to Jeremy, doing everything I could to contain my laughter.....

I love boobies. Keep a breast. He found it on the playground. :) Below is my free dessert.

Following Perkins we spent a day at the pool having good, cheap, summer fun.

Story #3

- Last fall we sold our camper. It was a very hard moment for our family. We love camping with all our hearts and have done it ever since we were kids. I will never forget the new family pulling it away while my kids watched, tears streaming down their face. I looked at Jeremy, who was devastated, and I said, "You are NOT a failure. You are a success in God's eyes."

We sacrificed something very hard at a time we didn't understand it... and as a result, one year later, God supplied us with an even newer camper in an unexpected way. And because of His blessing, we are still able to do what we love most. We went camping in June where Dyson, at the age of 4, waterskied for the first time. Then, that night, he learned how to catch fireflies.

We created a memory that night as a family, as we bottled up those butt burning bugs. And it was a memory that kept on living. Following that night at the late, there was a 2 week span in which the fireflies filled our backyard. Every night Dyson would ask me to raise up his blinds so that he could fall asleep watching them. And he did. Every night. Several of those nights, after his sisters fell asleep, I came into his bedroom and got him. Together we went out in our pajamas and caught fireflies. It was our little secret. Still is.

O.k. quick break in my story time to share a cute pic.

Everytime she wakes up, she lays in her crib for about half an hour. Then when she is done, she stands up and drapes her blankie over the crib, just like this, and then calls for me. :)

Story #4

- Jeremy came home one day incredibly depressed about our financial situation. We had received word that there was a free Go Fish concert in Sioux Falls called, "Mini Van Jam." We didn't want to go. We wanted to sit at home and mope and be depressed about how poor we are and how much life sucks. But because it was free, and because we hadn't yet had a "family night" for the week, we piled in our minivan and headed in.

The doors opened at 4:30. The concert started at 6:00. Of course we couldn't afford for Jeremy to leave work early. So at 6:00 we pulled into the overcrowded event center parking lot, thinking to ourselves, "This just sucks. Nosebleed section, here we come."

We walked in and saw a woman handing out bracelets. Walking up to her, she started putting them on us. Another lady came up and asked, "Do we have to have those to get into the concert?" "No" the woman said, as she continued to put on our bracelets. I looked at her, puzzled and she said, "You guys want VIP seats, don't you?" Still staring at her in shock, Jeremy said, "uh, yeah!"

"I thought so," She said. "Walk right up to the front and enjoy your night!" I grabbed Kasiah like a kid in a candy store and said, "Sweetie guess what?! God gave us front row seats!!"

We were 3 rows from the front and had the most incredible time with our kids. God didn't add to our checking account that day. But 5 days later we unexpectedly received a $100.00 bill.

Story #5

- God has provided in unexpected ways such as photography, a camper, VIP seats at a concert, gift cards, dollar bills, cute namebrand clothing hand-me-downs, etc. But let me make sure that we certainly have learned to not expect handouts. We have learned to watch God provide in other ways. Whether it's me babysitting a kid here, or helping mom in her tumblebus business there, we try to always be open to God's guiding. We have learned to not get caught up in the rut of routine. We have been foruntate to be able to work under our brother in-law who roofs in the summer. So when God gives Jer an opportunity to roof here or there, plans get cancelled.

So with the unexpecting provision directly, we have also learned to work hard in earning it too. Jeremy's parents own an acerage where they have recently decided to embrace it in ways to provide for their kids. And we love it. Homegrown good 'ol fashion vegetables come from dads garden. In todays economy, I say go for it!

Here are my kids helping me wash potatoes while watching PBS kids. Yeah, i'm pretty laid back regarding the carpet. It's one of those perks to not owning a nice fancy home. :)

Very proud of themselves. :)

This past weekend we spent bagging corn at Jeremy's parents. It was such an awesome and fun day! And the kids will never forget it.

Dyson and Kasiah picked corn for our neighbor kids' families. He was so excited about

his bag that he hid it in his closet so no one could take it. I had to smile. This is the joy of having little. Most kids hide their toys. Dyson hid his bag of corn for the neighbor. LOL!

I'm going to wrap up this blog with one last story. I forgot about it, otherwise I'd have a pic posted as well.

It's the "snack shop at the pool" story. When we go to the pool, we never buy from the snack shop. We bring our snacks. But today was a special day. It was grandma day and she had cash! :)

As Grandma took the kids to the window to buy their candy, they were pricing things out. Grandma suggested they buy something small and save the rest of their money. But the kids had a better idea. "How about we buy something small and give mom the rest of our money? Then she'll have some money."

Mom said her eyes welled with tears. Although it broke her heart that we were struggling, it made her smile because of the good it was doing in our kids.

Don't get me wrong, my kids and myself have very very selfish moments every single day. We are so filled with issues and sins needing worked through that I could write forever about our shortcomings. But I simply wanted to post for the world the joy of having little. Especially in today's economy.

Although it breaks my mans heart to watch his family struggle, and although he feels like such a failure for it, I know that deep down inside it is the biggest blessing this family could ever receive.

Jeremy, if you are reading this, I want to thank you for taking that step of faith. For taking that job that gave you a 50% paycut simply because God told you to. I want to thank you for not being a workaholic and being o.k. that we spend our money on family memories instead of the boy toys. You are the best husband and father I could ever imagine. I love you and thank you...

With all. My. Heart.

There is truly joy in having little. I can only imagine the stories those NOT living in America would have to share!