Pause... but ready for Play, Lord.

Summer is here. I find I really struggle with summer. I grew up as a child loving it. My birthday is in July and our family was always a camping and boating family. I learned to slolemn ski when I was 12 at a church camp, and surprised my dad with the show on Fathers Day at the lake. I felt so proud knowing I was making my dad proud. I have great memories as a child riding the waves with my brother Nathan on the torpedo. My dad's goal was to get buck us off. I learned great boat driving skills from my dad, and great teamwork riding the waves with Nathan. I remember going to the lake and living on the boat the entire day. We would leave church about 15 minutes early, speed to Yankton (while dad was jamming out to the Beach Boys) and then not come home until supper time. We would always stop at Pizza Hut in Hartington, NE on our way home. I remember freezing because I was still in my bathing suit and my hair was wet. The order was always the same...splitting a supreme with the family and getting a family order of breadsticks. Then at home, mom would let us sleep downstairs in the living room under cool sheets as she lavished our sunburn skin with aloe.

But today summers are different. For any of you women married to a construction worker, you know the feeling. Suddenly you become a single mom and life feels sad. I am more in love with my husband today than the day I married him and right now I would give anything to go to Mexico and learn to be a wife again, putting mommyhood behind.

Jeremy asked me, "So when are the times you feel the most happy?" I responded, "On date nights with you, overnighters with you, or times away with just our family and no one else." I don't know why, but those are the times I feel the most happy, and when summer hits, those times are few.

It's hard to find the balance between "suck it up because it's temporary and winters are tough" vs "make the marriage priority over work".

My husband feels sad too. He doesn't like construction and here he was forced into his own business. Why? It's the only thing he knows. Imagine running a business that you don't even like. But he does so good at it. I'm so proud of him and we know God is training him for something in the process.

It's memorial day today. We just got back from a afternoon on the lake. On our ride home we both discussed how sad we felt, and how we didn't like feeling sad. I don't mean just sad today, but sad in general... with life. I told him when we got home that I would get the three rugrats to bed and he needed to leave and "do his thing." What do I mean by that? Well, let me explain. I don't know what really goes down when Jer and God get together. But when he comes home, man do I feel at peace and so much better after hearing what God had to say.

He'll take his jammin truck and his rocking music with him and just drive around and worship and pray and listen. And he always comes back with some fresh word from the Lord. I hear him now walking around upstairs, and in about 20 I'll find out if anything cool was revealed. Can't wait. I like it that way. Me just do the "mom thing" and let my husband and the Lord hash things out. And then when I hear what was said I can dig deep into my gut and either feel peace or not so much... confirming his word, or challenging Jer to dig deeper. So far, it's worked.

Jer and I have been given an open door. Something we are holding confidential at this time. We need prayer. Will you pray for us a sec? We could use some prayer of clarity. I'll let you know what I'm talking about eventually. But right now God has definitely put our lives on pause. We're sick of it and ready to move on from "this." Funny, how in my earlier "Apple Tree" blog I prayed for God to put me on pause! I just never meant "on pause" in a life that feels so depressing. Funny. that makes me think of another blog I wrote... "Think Blocked Boulders" maybe? Can't remember. It was something about how we'll ask for better roads, but then complain about the road construction. Anyway, we feel we've been on pause long enough and longing for God to push play. Whatever that means.

Anyway...

On another note... I'm struggling with a lot of sin....

- self-righteousness
- pride
- discontentment
- fear
- insecurity
- a critical spirit

When summer hits and I miss my man, I find that I start to struggle with these sins. As a result I become bitchy. Sorry for the language, but that was the best way to describe it. And who wants to come home to a bitchy wife?

Anyway, I suppose I better go. It's 9:30 and there is never a night I don't go to bed with my husband, (when he's home that is) so I better get going. Besides, I can't wait to hear what God had to say about how depressing our lives feel right now.

Blessings... oh, and some random pictures to enjoy. i might have already posted these. Who knows. Whatever. Enjoy! :)

Jeremy and Dyson in Grandpa Dykstra's tractor.

Me and Kasiah.

Mother's Day.

Adalie. 6 months old.

Be.

Wow. Seriously. It's been four months since I've last updated this thing regarding my life today (the postings titled "Chapters" are just me recording my past, hoping I'll catch up to my today soon.) I hope this blog isn't boring. I feel like I have to catch up so much that I can't truly engage myself. I'll be impressed if you survive this entire thing.

Hmmm. The last time I wrote we were sitting around the table in Sioux Center, IA wondering where we were going to live in two weeks. We had no home. And my 3 year old daughter said, "Buckle your seatbelts everyone! Jesus is driving!" My husband saracastically replied (while rolling his eyes), "He sure is Kasiah, He sure is."

Since August, we were delivered more manna from heaven. A complete stranger heard of our need and called us. "I have a 5 bed, 2 bath house only ten years old. You can live in it for free. Just pay utilities."

Seriously?! Who gets to live in gorgeous homes for free as often as this?! And yet, why am I surprised? Just a few nights ago when Jeremy and I were praying, begging God to give us direction, I prayed, "Well gee, God. How about you just provide yet another home free of rent?"

He did.

I think sometimes He wonders, "Girl, if you would just ask you'd be blown away by the gifts you have not received."

O.k. so here we were. Still dealing with the shocking pregnancy that threw our "planned out lives" for a complete loop. I'm in my 3rd trimester and we're moving a 2nd time in 4 months. Jeremy is still attempting his construction business to provide. I'm still staying at home (and loving it). We move to the country into a farm house near Alcester, SD (a.k.a. Little House on the Prairie)...

We have no idea how long we will be in this home. All we know is that it's FREE. The closest WalMart is 35 minutes away. I don't love this. Not one bit.

November rolls around, Kasiah turns 4. She starts pre-school in Alcester. Weird. I don't know a single soul. Yet, two days a week I bring her, knowing she needs an "out" from just "Mommy and Dyson" world. Along with Kasiah turning 4, this little baby inside of me is getting ready to come out. My gut still says she's a girl from that initial roast beef sandwhich craving back in April... oh, and Jeremy's strange dream that we had a girl (before I knew I was prego).

Sure enough... on Wednesday morning, November 25th at 10:22a.m., we had a girl!

We named her Adalie Faith (pro-noucned Ah-duh-lee). Her name means "God is my refuge". She weighed only 1 ounce bigger than her sister Kasiah.... 8lbs 13 oz at 5 days early. She measured the exact same... 22 inches long!

She is perfect during the day but a devil child in the evening. :) Just when I finally get some adult time when Jeremy comes home, she decides she's going to be demanding... often not going to bed until 1:30am! Sex?! Hmmm. My heart goes out to Jer. It really does. My friend called it Duty Sex during this season of our life. I get that... but Jeremy hates duty sex. He's so kind.

On top of this adjustment, my husband has been faced with the challenge by our pastor to consider a ministry in Fargo. Long story. I'm too exhausted right now to go there. But I will say that since, I have never seen Jeremy in such a spiritual state of warfare since the affair. I love it and hate it at the same time.

So that's where we are at.... living in the middle of nowhere, doing our local errands 45 minutes away, attending a church we love a different 45 minutes away, while barely surviving financially. Jeremy is doing everything he can while construction is non-existant during this snow filled winter (My car is completey buried and farm roofs are caving in)... everything from hauling manure to washing it off of hog confinements. Not the most glorious jobs - especially for 10 bucks an hour. But at least he's finding jobs!!

My sister and friend said to me today that we need to be sure we don't try too hard to discover the direction God wants us to go.. and what we are to do. Sometimes our focus is so much on what we need to do for God, that we forget to just love God.

Maybe that's why we are here, in the middle of nowhere, with anything as much as a WalMart 30 minutes away... to teach us to just "be." I was asked when I see adults during the week. I replied, "On Sundays. I love Sundays. And if Adalie allows me, I get to be with my husband at night."

So until next time, enjoy the pictures below! There are a ton of them.. to catch up! This blog feels pretty "blah" to me. Not a lot of pizzaz or passion. I think because the place I'm in right now feels a bit blah.... just living one day at a time raising children which consists of spills, spankings and splattered paint, as well as hugs, kisses and laughter.

May God protect my husband as he battles with the warfare surrending him right now. I believe with all my heart God is calling him into full-time ministry and Satan is pretty pissed about it. For now, my focus is to be the best wife and mom God wants me to be.... and other than that, well, to simply just be.

Kasiah got a kitty for her birthday.



This says it all.

36 weeks I believe.

Looking for deer antlers in the woods.

39 weeks I think.

Daddy teaching Dyson how to pee like a man!

Waiting and waiting. I came in dilated at a 3 and was fed pitosin the entire day. At the end of the day, I was still only dilated at a 3. Yes, I cried!

Welcome to this world, little girl!

Daddy rocks at changing diapers!

Adalie. 1 week old.

Adalie. 1 month old on Christmas day!

Promise.

Sitting around the dinner table:

Kasiah: "Buckle your seatbelts everyone. Jesus is driving!"
Jeremy (with a look of annoyance): "He sure is Kasiah, He sure is."

I caught my husbands sarcasm, knowing exactly what he was thinking.. probably thoughts similar to:

* Why is it when He drives that life seems more difficult?
* When are the stoplights going to turn red?
* Will He stop and let me get on the next train?
* Why couldn't He have chosen the more fun and relaxing route?
* Why can't He at least let me know where we are headed?

Many people wake up in the morning knowing where they will be one week from now. Our family does not.

God is certainly guiding and providing... but He's not revealing. Well, not revealing the things that WE want Him to reveal. Things like where we will be working or living - you know, things that are kinda a big deal to a family of four, soon to be five.

On top of this, I feel He has called me to head up a womens retreat in 8 weeks. But is He? Or was it just my agenda, wanting to put into action something I've always wanted to do but never could? Tonight I really don't know. I don't know if Satan is planting seeds of doubt in my head or if God is convicting me that this retreat is "Danielle led" and not "God led".

Until then I will reflect on the faithful promises that He is delivering today, that He promised me years ago. And rest in peace.

For example, when going through the affair God promised me He had a purpose for my pain. Last night God delivered. I spent two hours on the phone with a 45 year old woman from Delaware, married 26 years with three children and one grandchild. I have never met this woman in all my life. But her daughter, Valerie went through YWAM with my sister Alisha a year ago today.

As a sat on the phone listening to this woman weep and share her story with her lovely accent, my heart felt humbled. "Why me, God? There are millions of women out there who have been through this as well! Why me, of all to be on the phone with her tonight? I'm twenty years younger than her!" All I could hear Him say was, "I promised you, my daughter, that if you stuck through it I would use it."

So for now, in this rainy season of our life, I will rest in His promises and remember that if we stick through it, He will use it.

Look past the storm and you'll find the promise (look closely).

Chapter Five.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm writing these chapters more for myself - to get my stories recorded before I forget them.

The fact that it's been three months since my last update of "My Life" tells me that no one in their right mind could actually read my blog updates while still remembering the last one. In fact, I'll be surprised if anyone takes the time to read this.

But just in case: quick reminder - Chapter Four consisted of God's calling for me to marry Jeremy despite my strong instinct that I was going to be a bit like Hosea in today's generation.

So I married him.

Six months into our marriage my husband had a horrible construction accident landing him in a wheelchair for the entire winter. During this time the evil addiction of pornography reared it's head. I made the decision to not freak out about like an emotional basket case and instead get educated on the addiction.

I read every book I could think of and learned that porn wasn't the issue at all - the issue began in his childhood. So we worked through it and got help.

A few months later I got pregnant and miscarried on Mother's Day. Early that fall of the same year I got pregnant again and miscarried on Halloween. At Christmas time we announced to my family that I was once again pregnant. I will never forget the looks on their faces - not of excitment but of, "you probably shouldn't be telling us this because you'll probably miscarry." And I did.

We traveled to a specialist that spring to find out why I was miscarrying. During the tests they discovered I was pregnant a 4th time. They watched me closely and this baby survived... but our marriage did not.

Between the emotional rollercoaster of the accident, the porn addiction, the miscarriages and financial stress (all by our 2 year anniversary) we fell apart. I did in my own way and my husband did in his.

Me. I continued to lean on Christ, literally desperate for him. But I treated my husband more with an attitude of what he should be, rather then with respect for who he was. Although who he was was miles from Christ - he was still God's son and God's annointed one to be my husband.

Jeremy. He left me for another girl. He emotionally left in August - in my 3rd trimester. He sexually left soon after. The affair continued after the birth of our 1st daughter for a total of six months unknown to me.

New Years Day 2006. Just four days shy of announcing my resignation of the Children's Director position of our church (I didn't want to be a full-time working mom) my husband sat me down and told me about the affair. It was the biggest blow of my entire life.

What happened after that was the end to our broken marriage and the beginning to it's restoration. It was also the beginning of the darkest, most horrifying time of my life - the season of healing when feeling murdered by the one you love.

We separated for a month. I knew I had God's permission to divorce because it involved immorality, but my heart flashed back to our wedding day: until death do us part.

God told me that marriage was not about making me happy....but holy.

I knew that marriage was designed to demonstrate to the world God's marriage and love to us. So I knew in my heart that divorce was not an option because if I did I would be defeating God's very purpose of calling me to marry Jeremy. And I loved God too much to let him down, I guess.

So I made the decision to fight for my man until the end.

With:
#1. The grace of God
#2. The prayers and support of family and friends and
#3. Two humbled hearts desperately wanting to work it out...

We did.

This is where we were blessed - we had all ingredients above to make this "restoration receipe" turn out.

So from that point on things were going great in our marriage. But Satan had a stronghold on my mind in ways he never did before. Now for the first time in my life I had an Enemy. The girl. And she haunted me every day and every night.

Thus began an entire different season of healing and restoration. But in the meantime, Jeremy and I were on the road to a happiness and health, enjoying our new relationship with each other and our beautiful little girl named Kasiah Grace.

Summer of 2006

Yankton, SD

Mark 10:9 - What God has joined together, let no one separate.

Think Blocked Boulders.

It's 11:00 and instead of sleeping I'm eating chips and salsa. It's been a long time since I've been on this thing. And now that I am, I have no clue where to start.

In just 8 weeks we went from gearing up to head to Kona, HI and a mission field for 6 months to suddenly being pregnant and unable to go, me quitting my job, my husband starting his own business and us moving into a new home. Needless to stay, nothing...and I mean NOTHING in our lives feel stable (other than Christ himself).

In the mess of the transition of finding new insurance, health care and dealing with tax and liscensing headaches, I've also been consumed with packing, unpacking, wiping running noses, kissing scraped up knees, sending bills and typing up bids. And of course everything is on deadline. The past several weeks has been 100% survival mode - at times even completely forgetting that I'm pregnant. And doing all of this as a single mom who sees her hottie on the weekends, makes her extremely grateful and admirable of the women out there who's husbands are never home due to work travel, the army, etc.

In my mind I could come up with 1,000 things to worry and complain about. But today (and tomorrow may be different) I have never felt so honored and blessed. God has made it completely clear that His blessing is upon us, that we are in His perfect will, and not one day... not ONE day will pass when He doesn't provide.

For example, we have a home.. maybe not for long. It could sell any week, but we have a home. A beautiful large home from a friend for free. Yes, free. God's blessing. God's favor.

We have health. And more than likely me and the children are going to qualify for free health care. God's blessing. God's favor.

We have family. An awesome incredible, 100% dynamite rock'n family of Christian parents and brothers and sisters who would literally die for us needed. God's blessing. God's favor.

We have been receiving random acts of kindness: A 50.00 bill from a past fellow employee of mine, a free tool bench set for my children, a free new grill, a free shopping spree for my children.....God's blessing, God's favor.

I have learned that if you are utterly and completely dependent on God and seeking His will, He will at times call you into storms (for us, more than one, and sometimes the same ones twice). But when He does, He will bless you with random blessings all over the stinking place.

All of these blessings said to me today "My little girl, I know you didn't expect this and didn't want this. I know you are seeking my will and my heart. I know you are very confused. But remember, I love you more than you love your own children and I will never call you into a storm without walking you to the calm."

A friend of mine today forwarded me the following cartoon. The man is praying for God's protection and as he walks away he gets completely bolted by a rock...

And Jesus said, "sorry, did I miss one?"

Perfect. Just perfect. May I stop dwelling on the rocks striking me and start thinking about the boulders that He's blocked from me.

And with that, may I close with a very much needed family weekend getaway of camping this past weekend....
(but first, Dyson preparing for the season):

"Wakeboard Mommy?"

" Too big buddy."

Much better!



Best friends.



Exact words, "This is how Grandma does it!"

Did I say best friends? Look closer.

They are carrying a bracelet to give back to a girl who dropped it.

They fought over who would return it...

So they decided to carry it together.

Till next time, think about the boulders being blocked and praise God...for He is good.

Chapter Four.

For two years I went through what I felt was the hardest time of my entire life. This would be my junior and senior year of college. God was very clearly calling me to do something that everyone around me didn't agree with. (Not so easy for a people pleaser)

Prior to this moment, I had been placed on a spiritually wise pedestal by surrounding family and friends. People looked up to me, came to me for advise and so on. But now, I was thought of us crazy, nuts and completely wrong in my relationship with God.

I was perceived to be doing what many condemned (including myself): Missionary Dating.

Although Jeremy was already saved before I realized I loved him that Saturday morning outside of Sioux County jail, we were still very much at different levels of maturity. And Jeremy, although a Christian was very much NOT the guy my dad ever intended for me to bring home.

And if my daughter Kasiah ever falls in love with a man similar to who Jeremy was at that time, I will probably panic and start having convulsions! But I will say that if her life shows a history of a very much alive Holy Spirit....active and breathing in her heart, I vow to trust whatever it might be that God is doing. (But that doesn't mean I won't be prostrated on the ground pleading with God to be gentle)

So back to Jeremy and 2001. In all my life I had never prayed, fasted and digested scripture in such desperation. Several nights I locked myself in the practice rooms of the chapel on campus. I would shut off the lights and fall to my knees and just cry and beg God to steal Jeremy's heart. I would plead and plead with God to guide me in my decisions regarding this relationship.

God was calling me to date a porn addict, smoker, tatooed and tongue ringed tough-guy who struggled with drinking and any sense of maturity. And although he gave his life to Christ, that certainly did not mean that his addictions and struggles and temptations just suddenly vanished into thin air. Oh no. This meant a serious case of trial - more than Jeremy would ever face.

And of the millions of people in the world, God picked me to stand by Jeremy's side unconditionally. I don't know when this happend, but God must have injected my heart with an extra dose of grace, compassion and forgiveness.

I saw in Jeremy a man who desperately wanted to do what was right, and oh did he try so hard. But man - when he stumbled, he didn't just stumble, he fell flat on his face....every single time.

For example, Jeremy and I had a thing going. Whenever the clocks turned to 3:33 or 4:44, etc. we would make a wish. One night I was in my dorm. I think I was making mac and cheese. I looked at the clock. It said 5:55. At that moment I prayed, "God, surround Jeremy with your angels."

A couple hours later I received a phone call. It was Jeremy... in jail. He had been pulled over for following a car too closely. O.k. so not a big deal... except he just happened to be smoking weed. Back in jail he was, unfortunately AFTER he had already given his testimony to two highschools in the community. Lesson learned: When someone changes their life around, they need time to figure out what that new life means before going around and speaking about it.

Needless to say, his name was back in the papers. I also found the ticket the police officer wrote. Time of arrest: 5:55pm.

It was very clear to me in that moment that God and I were on the same team here regarding Jeremy. But others didn't see it that way (and understandably). I even received an annoymous note in my mailbox that college year that said I was very wrong in dating Jeremy. Very wrong.

I completely lost my reputation. My grades started to fall, I was a horrible RA for the girls on my wing, and I lost my friends. I lost respect from my family as well. And I lost a lot of weight. I was so stressed and always crying and fasting, that I didn't even think about eating.... let alone actually eating.

Every morning I woke up and my eyes were swollen from the tears the night before. Nothing in the world is more difficult than feeling supported, loved and admired by so many people to suddenly being thought of as stupid, a door mat, a poor decision maker, and the list goes on.

I know what it was really about... not completely Jeremy here. This was a time of God breaking me of spiritual pride and making me a real woman. He was teaching me obedience regardless of other people's opinions. This was not easy. Not one bit.

Through the times of being cheated on, lied to, watching him be thrown in jail, and getting drunk at parties, Jeremy always managed to get back up and try again. His heart was genuine and filled with love and compassion for me and complete hate for himself. It was very obvious that until Jeremy learned how to truly love himself, he would never know how to truly love me.

God also gave me enough glimpses of Jeremy to show me that when Jer finally did learn how to love himself, I would be completely blown away with a beautiful, absolutely beautiful relationship.

So we survived the two years... on and off again dating, and then that third year, after I graduated from college, we finally became stable in Christ with fewer ups and downs. And in January of 2003, Jeremy proposed.

At that moment I knew God was good with that. He wouldn't have called me to continue fighting and believing and intervening in our relationship for two years if it wasn't preparation for marriage. But I wasn't stupid. Just because I now had a fat rock on my finger (did I mention that when Jer goes big, he goes big?) it certainly didn't mean the road was going to be easy.

And on June 21, 2003 I married the man not-so-much of my dreams... but a man that I knew without a doubt in my mind was going to be fireworks in building God's kingdom by my side. And I knew this because I maintained a communion with Christ through every spiritual discipline I could think of.

And my parents and their friends were being our spiritual warriors alongside us. And of course, Jeremy's heart was beautiful and compassionate in every sense of the word. And when he was on....he was on. He knew how to romance and make a woman feel like the princess of the world. And he had the compassion of Jesus for hurting people.

And on that day, in the very same place where I desperately cried on my knees in a dimly lit chapel, we shared our vows. And when I said, "til death do us part" I looked him right in the eyes and made sure he understood that I was not kidding.

In my heart, when I said those words I knew that God was going to take me down the road of adultry. I just knew it.


Til death do us part.
Til death do us part.
Til death do us part.... even if you cheat on me.


At that alter I made the decision that no matter what happened I would fight for my man. That no matter what happend I would forgive him.

Til death do us part.

Chapter Nine. The Apple Tree.

I am just a mess. My family is gone for the next two weeks and I feel like a divorced mom only getting to see her kids on the weekends. And now I'm sitting here trying to write "Chapter 4" of my life story and completely unable too because all I can think about is now.

My husband called me just a few minutes ago completely frustrated from Sioux Falls. The nail gun he bought at a pawn shop didn't do the job today, so tomorrow he has to blow another $200.00 on a new one. His day went completely awful trying to head up a construction job working at a place with no direction and too many bosses with too high of expectations. And we could only talk for a few minutes because he was on his way to my brother's house to get our kids.

But let me back up. My family has been anxiously waiting to hear back from YWAM of our acceptance since Christmas. This has been a dream of mine for the past 9 years of my life. YWAM is a ministry of various programs. We particularly applied for the school in Kona, Hawaii. Go to http://www.uofnkona.edu/ if you are interested in knowing more.

Then, last week Tuesday at 3:00 in the afternoon something felt very very wrong. I craved a roast beef sandwhich. Let me say that again... I craved a roast beef sandwich.
Thursday morning. I had to do it. I had to buy a pregnancy test. And at 9:15 a.m. on April 2nd, my world was turned upside down. Staring right in my face was a positive pregnancy test. As positive as positive can be. The blue line was so darn blue it was almost black. And in that moment I nearly fainted. Stumbling to text my best friend/boss to come to the bathroom and rescue me from having a heart attack, my phone tumbled to the floor missing the toilet by inches and dividing into two.

Now for some of you this is not something to be devastated about. But if you truly knew my story, the look on your face right now would be of sheer shock... the same look my family, co-workers and closest friends shared with me. In fact, one co-worker lovingly donated a vacation day so that I could just process the unbelievable knews. Oh, and I never missed a birth-control pill.

So I tell my husband. And at this point in our lives, he did what really seemed to be the only thing we could do. He laughed.

Then at 4:00 that same afternoon we received the phone call we had been waiting for since December 2008. YWAM. The man on the other end named Ben, told us we were accepted! We then told him we found out we were pregnant just a few hours ago and in just 2 minutes my dream was abruptly ripped right out of the palm of my hands because of an unwanted pregnancy.

Not only did I feel punched in the gut once that day, but it was met with a second blow. A very low blow. So now I sit here 4 days later starting to adjust to this unexpected little blessing. And in the meantime my unemployed husband in this crappy economy is doing what he can to pay the bills. And one of those places to "do what he can" is in Sioux Falls. And where does that leave our kids? With Aunts and Grandma raising them... in Sioux Falls and far away from mommy.

Yeah yeah, so life doesn't go as planned. I know. And I know my feelings are so filled with lies. But how is it that a person can read scripture and hear God's voice speak to you through scripture and then be so wrong in the end? I just don't get it. Both Jeremy and I were absolutely certain that doors were opened for YWAM in every sense of the word. Absolutely certain! And we were so very wrong.

In a way I feel decieved. As if God was just teasing us. I know that's not what He does. But in this moment I feel played and it hurts. I feel that any confidence I had regarding God speaking to me is just out the window. And I am really grieving that. In this moment I feel betrayed by my best friend. My heart just really hurts and I feel like no matter how hard my family tries we just never get a break.

I just wish that God would put me on pause.

I met with a new friend today. She saw my hurting heart. I want to be doing my dreams, my passions. I want to be speaking to women words of inspiration, hope and encouragement. I want to write books or do something with my life stories. I don't want to sit in a box all day behind a computer managing schedules and ordering lunches while producing babies and living off of garage sales.

She told me the story of the apple tree and a conversation she had with her pastor. At this time, she was a busy, young mom who felt very un-fruitful.

"When does an apple bear fruit?" He asks.

"In August, or so." She replied.

"When does it not bear fruit?" He asked.

"In the winter." She replied.

"Is God angry with the tree when it doesn't bear fruit?"

"Well, no." She replied.

"Why?" He asked.

"Well, because it was created that way. It's not supposed to." She replied.

"Exactly." He said. "And it's not your season either."

"Lord, I feel so unfruitful. Please grace me with patience for the season I am in." Amen.