He Wants You.

• I don't remember much from history class, but one thing I do remember.... a battle is not the same thing as a war.  And this my friends, is today.

   A season of daily battles in the midst of a war. A war that feels forever endless. Although there is hope (there is always hope) I've gotten to the point where my focus has become simply surviving vs. thriving...while desperately praying that my soulmate and I come out with less wounds than the time before. Then one day, maybe (just maybe!) I'll wake up and realize the war is over and Jesus will say to me, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

  Jeremy and I have been dealing with a war in our lives for years.  It feels as if it's the "thorn in the flesh" that Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 12. Like Paul, no matter how much we pray, God never takes it away. It's the thorn that keeps us desperately on our knees - although aren't we already in so many areas? Do we really need an additional thorn?  Apparently.

  Regardless, God has been teaching me to seek nuggets and miracles not only through situations like our recent getaway to Kansas City, but also in the daily mundane parts of life.  The other late night I was driving around feeling pretty crabby because the nearest place this tired mom could go, to get alone with a coffee and sit in a quiet warm environment, was 15 minutes away. So I resorted to a cheap gas station coffee (because of course the cappaccino machine was broken) and my minivan.  

  It was freezing cold. Below 10.  I pulled into the McHardy park, at the foot of the tower that overlooks the scenic view, where it was quiet, but not too quiet. Something about sitting alone next to a dark forest of trees doesn't sit well with me. I locked my doors and stayed close enough to the bustling traffic... but far enough away to not be distracted.

  I looked up to the sky and vented to God about how I really felt. I vented about all my failures, sins and grieved over my shortcomings with my kids, my husband, and everyone else.  Then I vented about the biggest war in our life which I can't control, have tried to change, fix, understand, and do absolutely anything... with absolutely nothing making a difference. I vented my feelings of hopelessness, frustration, confusion and weakness.

  Then I sat in silence and listened.... and had a flashback to a particular night in 2006, sitting in a similar setting around the same time. It was dark, cold and in January. The sky was filled with stars and I was broken. Utterly broken, thirsting to hear his voice.  Desperate for answers, explanations and direction.

  And here I was again, not as broken, but enough to feel foggy, confused, exhausted and weak. I breathed a deep breath. I sat and listened.  And then I heard it, the voice of my Creator speaking personally to me.....

  "My grace is enough".

  Silence.

   O.k. That didn't give me much direction or explanation. But, like He ever gives that anyway. So I smiled. It's soooo like him to give me the freedom to fail.  There he was, speaking 2 Corinthians 12 to me. So that was his response to my failures. But I wanted a response to my war. 

  I sat in silence and listened longer. Waiting. Impatient.  And then there it was again.  I heard it. A still small whisper to my broken heart:

  "My power is made perfect in your weakness".

  Wow. 2 Corinthians 12 again. No explanation to this war. Just a "be still and know that I am God" comment. A truth that is  enough, but doesn't feel like it. 

  Of course it doesn't feel like it because feelings aren't fact. Feelings can't be trusted.

  So I smiled once more. Reflecting on the fact that our war, although feeling beaten up, wounded and defeated is actually a false portrayal of what we really are. It's the seen world, but not the unseen.  Ephesians 6:12.

  So that wraps it up for now.  My latest two nuggets given to me during my mundane type of life:  His grace is enough.  His power is made perfect in my weakness. 

  And of course I have more. I have yet to write about the nuggets given to me during the fun getaway over New Years. However, it's 9:00 and this coffee shop (that I drove 20 minutes to where they messed up my latte) is about to shut down.  So more on that another time.  

  Until then, my encouragement to all you exhausted ones. Do what it takes to get the nuggets... even if it means sitting in your minivan in the middle of nowhere with a crappy coffee.  If you seek him, you will find him.  But you have to seek him... and listen.  Really listen.  He is a gentlemen. He doesn't typically shout for your attention. He waits until you go after him even more than going after the "to-do" list, the cleaning, facebook, pinterest, phone calls, emails, good deeds..... you get the picture.

  He wants you more than what you do...

Peace, Love & Joy.

Our Christmas card reads "Peace, Love and Joy" which reminded me of tidbits this past year of our family. Another year has come to an end and I can hardly believe it. Not so much because it went quickly (it didn't at all) but because we are still.....

Living in the same apartment.

Risiding in the same community.

And working the same job...as last year.

It's a miracle. 

So with that being said, you are welcome to join me in this christmas letter without having to bore you about our latest house, community or job change. So let's get started....
 

KASIAH

A.K.A. "Peace"



Although our most difficult child in more ways than one, she has an inner wisdom that continues to bring peace to our ever present storms.  She loves horses, dancing, kittens and friends, gymnastics, grandma's, and the latest... her American Girl Doll. She is a girly girl to the max. She is very smart beyond her years, analytical like her mom (oh boy), and a wonderful protective "mother" to her little siblings.

 

For example, yesterday while the cousins beheaded the beloved Dora pinatta for Adalie's 3 year old birthday party, candy sprayed everywhere. Dyson quickly collected the candy by opting out for the "scrape everything into one pile" vs. "picking up one piece at a time" option.  After a few seconds of collecting about 50 pieces through his brilliant method, his worst nightmare came true.  The other cousins started stealing from his pile.  Can you believe it?! Well his big sister certainly couldn't! What did she do? She stole back of course! Including stealing from a 3 year old big browned eyed innocent little child. Needless to say, after the storm was over both Dyson and Chayce were left standing alone with about 3 pieces of candy and tears streaming down their faces. But on the bright side, at least he's got his big sister to stand up for him! Oh wait a second. What's that? Is Kasiah's candy bag actually overflowing the most out of all the cousins? Yup. And the best part? Uncle Luke caught it all on video... (insert evil laugh. ha ha ha.)
 

On a more serious note, there are many nights we pull up artists like Jamie Grace and are instructed to sit on the couch and be her audiance. She choreographed 3 separate dance routines as a gift to her grandparents.  They include props like signs, ribbons, and the most dynamic? Confetti. Shredded construction paper in which Dyson was hiding in his bible cover for weeks (I was so confused, but I didn't dare throw it away).  However, it all made sense in the living room of my parents house on Thanksgiving day, as Kasiah danced away. Suddenly, she wrapped up her super sparkly routine with a glorious grand finale...confetti being sprayed everywhere....by Dyson..... as she nailed the perfect splits and pointed up to Jesus as if to say, "I give you the Glory, God." Unfotunately Dyson forgot to bring the confetti at the next tour performance (the farm). Sorry Grandma. :(

 

On a serious note (seriously this time), our lives have felt a little out of control this year but if we pay attention, God will use Kasiah to speak to us. She is remembered for her gingerbread artwork given to Jer during a not so happy time in his life. She titled it: Daddy, Have Joy In Yourself.

Another moment was on her most recent date with dad. With a tummy full of Cherry Berry they were talking about God's love.  But with a sad, tired and defeated look Jeremy said, "But Kasiah, I just don't understand why God sometimes won't answer prayers." 

After a moment of silence, she replied, "Maybe He's just waiting for you to trust him, dad."

And that would be our peace.

 

ADALIE

A.K.A. "Love"

Love is best described as an action. Although Adalie rarely shows evidence that she loves us through her actions (such as stealing candy and scaling the walls to reach her sisters gum) there is one thing that prevails when I look at this darling: her never ending desire to be loved on by Momma. For Adalie being held, hugged and kissed by me is her top priority of every day. Even as I write this, she is sitting on my lap.

Next to "Sissy" and Dyson, Adalie's best friends are Dora and her baby dolls. She enjoys dancing, food, her thumb and being sassy (we're working on that). She can't get enough of getting messy and...wrecking things.  The other night Dyson told me he had a horrible dream. I asked, "Really? What was it?"  He replied, "I had a dream that Adalie pulled the corn out of my dirt cup (yes, he is growing corn in his room) but when I woke up, the corn was still growing and the dream wasn't true Mom!"

She is notorous for wrecking her siblings rooms and then smirking about it when she gets in trouble. So I put the discipline in their hands. Her latest was destroying Dyson's wonderfully handcrafted spider made out of paper towels, chewing gum and paper fasteners. That was a treasure and Dyson was burning in anger! I let him decide the consequence and he took her blankie away for one day. She cried in distress, "I'm sorry Dyson, I'm sorry!"  Dyson replied, "I forgive you Adalie, but you're still not getting your blankie back!"

Despite her terrible 2 moments, Adalie continues to be the one who forces me, no matter what I'm doing, to just stop and be. I find myself scooping up all of her cuteness so that she can bury her puffy blonde head into my shoulder. She'll wrap her chubby arms around my neck and suck that stupid thumb of hers. We really should try to break that. But, man... it's just so hard! Because once we do she will never snuggle with me like this again... and she (unless God says otherwise) is our last.

So that would be our love.

 

 

DYSON

A.K.A. "Joy"

Sigh. Then there is Dyson. How does one describe the family clown? He is the epitomy of accident prone and goof-ball. He is creative and smart in ways that exceed his age. While building a deck with Jer he calculated specific material dad needed before being asked to retrieve it. He is already working a drill gun (Jer is determined to raise this "town boy" like a hardworking "farm boy") and loves to work with his hands. He will imagine and create anything from the paper towel spider to crazy lego creations.  He loves taekwondo, cardboard, scotch tape and staplers. He loves Grandpa's garden and has spent hours gardening with him.  This would explain the corn plant currently growing in his bedroom. Unless his nightmare comes true. 

Dyson has a powerful mind.  And when it's made up, he can do anything... like get up on an adult sized wakeboard (which he did) or memorize the entire passage of Psalm 23 in a week (which he also did). He also has an extremely sensitive spirit as we try to man him up for real life and not cry about everything. But even as a baby, I remember his daycare provider sharing with me that he was extremely sensitive. So we embrace it and smile knowing he will make a great ladies man someday. :)

My friend Cathi taught me that joy can stand for Jesus, Others, and You. Joy is different than happy. This would describe Dyson.  Although he is a very happy kid, walking into our bedroom at 6 am as if it's Christmas morning (every morning), he is truly deeper than a happy feeling. He puts Jesus and others before himself many times, especially when it comes to showing love for Kasiah. He is crazy about his sister (or is he just avoiding conflict?). Regardless, he would spend his entire allowance on her for Christmas if we'd let him.  His tithes from chores often exceed his spending jar. He loves to give more than anything else... it brings him joy. Which is why, he is our joy.

 

And Finally.... Us.

A.K.A. "Perseverance"

:)

Oh what a picture.  When Jer sees this he'll roll his eyes because kissing has become an "issue" in our house lately. :) More on that another time (probably not). But we are happy to kiss our 9th year good-bye which included some hardships like Jer's mom receiving news of cancer, an early stage miscarriage of my own, an overwhorked husband, a few tradgedies in Brandon (that wrecked my heart)...and simply being worn out physically, spiritually and emotionally in dealing with "life". You know how it is!

 

Jeremy continues to work at the grain elevator and do construction on the side so that I can stay home, raise our kids and homsechool. I have so much respect for what he does for us. He is also getting an education in ministry and has aced every test but one... which he flunked. (ha ha) But hey, when the book you're studying is titled Hermenuitics what more could you expect? Anyway, I couldn't be more proud of him.

 

Currently we're looking forward to a 4 night getaway to Kansas City. It will be our first signficant getaway in 9 years! We'll be attending an amazing conference put on through IHOP (not pancakes. Prayer). So on New Years Eve when the clock strikes midnight, we'll be worshipping our Creator with thousands of young adults instead of watching Dick Clark and a sparkly ball. I can't wait!

With all that said (which was probably too much) we wish you a merry christmas! And to those who's Christmas season is filled with heartache over happiness: If Christ is living in you then heaven is your hope. This promise you can claim:

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes.

There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain,

for the old order of things has passed away."

~ Revelation 21:4

With Love, The Dykstra's

He Fed Him. He Put Him to Sleep.

Please be patient with me in this blog. I've been working on it for weeks, only to be interrupted time and time again. So it may not flow well, and might be very random.  But I'm at the point where I'm ready to just hit the stinking "publish" button and be done. So here we go! :)

Being exhausted is nothing new to anyone. Many of us feel stressed out, tired and ready to quit in our own ways.  Quit our jobs, quit our commitments, quit a relationship, quit trying, quit marriage, quit parenting, quit everything.  I'll never forget years back in a bible study with my good Sioux Center girlfriends.  One of them named Jill said she had a moment when she looked up in the sky and saw an airplane and just wished so much she was on it....flying far far away. I never forgot that moment because I could relate to it so much.

We are tired...and Satan might be smiling. Does he have us exactly where he wants? Our guard is down, our vision blurred, our strength to fight... nonexistent. We get to the point where we no longer care and suddenly out of nowhere the lion who invisibly preys around pounces.

And we never saw him coming.

Shortly before harvest started I looked at my husband. He was tired. So so tired. Any harvest family knows that going into harvest already tired is just a recipe for disaster. But please rewind with me several months back:

Jer had visited Be Free in Sioux Falls (www.befree58.org), a ministry that reaches out to women who have been victims in our area. He was ready to join them. Like immediately.  The anger we feel over this injustice is tremendous (I'll touch more on this in a bit).  However, as we were talking we knew God wasn't calling us there yet.  He was calling us where we already were (and are) which is at our current church investing in men and women.  Jer responded, "But I just want to make a difference now!"

I looked at him and said, "You already are. You're after the men".

Years back, I was a children's director at our old church.  During this time I had attended a conference in which I was told that children should be the #1 priority of every church. Today I'm not so sure if they should be the main focus.

I certainly can't speak for God's calling in every church, but I know according to Genesis 2 it certainly seems like Adam was called to be the "big rock". The protector, provider, leader.  It says Eve was created to help Adam.  Not lead, control, or manipulate him. This hit me hard.  If creation started with a man, wouldn't focusing on the man to get his heart right and his priorities straight help put everything else into place? Marriages, parenting, and so on?

Doesn't it seem that when you have a broken man, you have a broken marriage and a broken dad? And a broken dad will lead to a broken little girl or boy? Are these broken children not growing up as teenagers looking for love in all the wrong places?

Traffickers aren't interested in confident and secure girls. They want the girls who are vulnerable.  The ones they can groom and manipulate.  And most of the time those girls come from homes of men whom you could actually call male... but not necessarily men.

We might see trafficking to be a kidnapping where some girl gets swept off the streets unexpectedly. Sometimes, but not really. It simply starts with broken relationships. It's everywhere, not just in Vegas. Its right here in the Sioux Falls, SD. A city in the middle of a cornfield. Specifically the Empire Mall....

A guy saw a broken teenage girl sitting alone in the cafeteria, crying because of something that happened with her friends.  He offered a listening ear, protection, kind words, etc. He became her boyfriend. And the next thing she knows she is getting gang raped in an apartment and then put on Phillips street to prostitute.  Yes, true story.

It even happened to a relation of ours this year. It started in a local town. The next thing she knew she was hours away from being trafficked over the Mexican border. Thank goodness we had connections to help get her in a safe house.  However, for most of these girls they aren't so lucky.

So anyway (that was my trafficking tangent), Jeremy's holy discontent for this injustice has sparked a fire and passion in his heart to rise up men of Resolution in our church and community. Jer and his team casted this vision and riled things up on Fathers Day weekend. God really showed up and did some amazing things.  And my guess is that Satan was not too impressed because we weren't even home for an hour before the attacks began.... and they didn't stop coming.

In addition to "life" (which we all struggle with "life" in our own way), we chose to put ourselves in the situation of taking advantage of financial opportunities such as side jobs like roofing, decking and more roofing and roofing... and roofing.

So now back to harvest where we've got ourselves not only a spiritually and emotionally tired man, but a physically tired one too. Bad bad bad.  A time when you would normally want to be at your best, Jer was at his worst. He was wounded and beaten down.  And when this happens everyone is his sphere of influence is affected. Suddenly circumstances we could once handle well... are not being held well anymore.

I watched and waited prayerfully for a holy wisdom of intercession on behalf of my man. There is so much wisdom in timing and tone. He was tired. He wasn't thinking clearly, seeing clearly, speaking clearly or acting clearly.

Then the night came when he vented everything to me and my heart dropped to the ground. That was it. He was too tired to fight this one; and if he lost I lost...and our kids would lose too. No way. Not this time. When the kids are involved, you better watch out because this mamma bear growls.

So I made that phone call to a fellow warrior. A "brother" of Jeremy's.  That warrior called the other warriors and within a week there were several men of honor rallying around him, laying hands on him and interceding for him on his behalf.

Thank God for good guy friends.  And these friends, I have prayed for Jeremy to find for 11 years.  Ladies, don't...give..up.

The men reminded me of the story of Moses facing a battle before him in Exodus 17:12. God told him he would only claim victory if he was able to physically hold his arms high in the air until the battle was won.  Well, as you can imagine, Moses' arms started to shake. Just when he wasn't going to make it his good guy friends Aaron and Hur stepped in to hold those arms up high. Thank God for the Aaron's and Hur's in my husband's life. We can't do life alone.  We may think we can.

We can't.

Jeremy came home revived that night and it was contagious. However, we learned fast that in some seasons of life, several doses of revival are needed.  That is where Jer and I have been. That is where we are today.

Pastor shared with me the story of Elijah in 1 Kings 19.  The guy is so worn out he tells God to just let him die.  What did God do?

He fed him.
He put him to sleep.
He woke him.
He fed him.
He put him to sleep.
He woke him again and said, "O.k. Now let's talk." Elijah then went back to battle, physically renewed in strength and ready to think, talk and walk clearly.

So, with that being said, we are coming out of a season of brokenness from simply being too tired. If you have been following my blogs you know I value brokenness. But this time it was much different than my other seasons. This time I had older kids. Kids in which I had to be game face by day and a sobbing mess by night.

If I was going to pull off this homeschool thing without being labeled Mrs. Witch, then I decided to sacrifice my early morning workouts and increase my God time. So 5:00 am it was. But instead to the gym it was straight to the couch with increased time of coffee, bible and a journal in my hand.

Like Elijah, I'm feeling the restoration more and more each day.  Although now I'm in a workout slump I have to get out of.  Ick.

However, I literally JUST received a text from my good friend Stella. It said: I'm looking for a workout partner.  Are you going to start doing that again or are you done working out?

Ummmm... ?! I guess God's telling me to get back in the game.

Oh boy. Insanity here we come. I have not missed you. Not one bit. But here we go.

Crap.

Disclaimer To "Offended?" Post...

I am happy to share that Mom was given a relieving 2nd opinion at the Mayo Clinic. Mom was diagnosed in July with stage 4 Carsenoid cancer, which is a slow growing form of cancer that usually begins its growth in the small intestine, but can spread around the body to areas like the lymph nodes and liver.  Unfortunately it has spread to mom's lymph nodes, liver and now is more than likely in her lungs.

However, carsenoid is not life threatening and does not need chemo treatments.  THIS was the news we were hoping to hear.

Although Mom will continue fighting this cancer for the rest of her life, we continue to pray God's Holy Spirit of fire to miraculously cleanse and purify her entire body.

We are praising God! And regardless of what happens, we will remember:

Blessed are those who are not offended with Him....

Offended?

This summer I read the following, by Gene Edwards.

It changed my life.  It's a very short and easy read, but you will never look at the story of John the Baptist or suffering the same, ever again.

What are you hurting with?
Is it a broken family, finances, abuse, bad relationships?
Miscarriages?
Not getting pregnant to begin with?
An unexpected tradgedy?
A bad marriage... or no marriage at all?!

Often my kids will have things happen to them. For example, the other sibling gets the last blue popscicle which apparently is the worst thing that could ever happen in the world. I look at them as they throw the biggest fit those kitchen appliances have ever seen and then I say something like:

Is it fair that daddy has to work double the hours of other men, yet they get the nice house and we don't? Is it fair a little girl was born not by choice to a mean daddy who beats her?

I then wrap it up with a nice little life is not fair so get over it comment and tell them to get their butts outside.

Well, not quite like that...but you get what I'm saying.

Anyway, the timing of  reading this book was perfect. I read it shortly after receiving news that Jeremy's mom, a woman who is a tremendous role model in my life, was diagnosed with cancer. A few weeks later, as I was sitting in the hospital room with my in-laws, our hearts sank to the floor after hearing the surgeon tell us she was in Stage 4.

All I could think of was John the Baptist.

I think about my life and I question it daily. I think I love Jesus, but do I? How easy is it to love Him in America? Would I still love him if I was being held at gun point, tortured, or doing underground churches without any comfort that my small apartment is currently offering?

Do I love him enough to make sacrifices I don't want to make?
Do I love him enough to pray for brokenness? (So that there is nothing left but leaning on God?)
Do I love him enough to be comfortable being uncomfortable?

I think of my friend Liza, who inspired me so much one day.  She said something about how when thinking of situations today...that we might find ourselves in tomorrow (future)... it feels impossible, or unbearable. 

We think of those things and fear overtakes us.  However, we have to know that when those times hit... God will empower us with more of His Spirit to be able to endure it and be victorious over it. God will equip us with the very thing we need at that very moment. 

When chasing God, wherever we are running God is already there.

So back to Mom's cancer. 
Those words "stage 4" pierced my heart.  I looked at her out of the corner of my eye, tears quietly streaming down her face.  She continued asking the doctor questions with a peace, joy and radiant smile that only Jesus could give her in that moment.  She, dad and my sister handled it with such class.  Mom, regardless of that moment, continued to glow Jesus.

My mind raced to John the Baptist who had spent his entire life denying comfort of any way.  He did not get married, had no children, lived in the desert wilderness heat, without his parents who had died when he was 12, leaving him an orphan. He was given the option of who he wanted to live with, for many were willing to take him under their wing. One of those people probably being his aunt and uncle, Mary and Joseph.

But he chose neither.

At the age of a young orphaned boy, he knew God was calling him to the least place anyone would want to go, to the boiling hot wilderness desert to live among the Essenes. A small community of Jewish people who broke away from their former community over some (in todays terms) church split. The Essenes way of living was comparable to monks.

He went there simply because God told him to. He didn't know why, but he did it.  Where is God calling you? Are you you moving regardless of understanding?

Now fast forward...
God calls John back to his former community to start announcing that Jesus is on his way.  John the Baptist and his helpers start getting people ready for Christ. Then Christmas happens, Jesus grows up, and Jesus and his cousin John totally hit it off. John continues to talk about how awesome Jesus is, and eventually gets thrown in prison for it.

What a wonderful ending to that kind of sacrifical living, huh?  Back to the hospital....

I look at Mom and think, "Gosh, she has way to much to accomplish yet.  She's so young. She has too many lives to influence. She is running an amazing tumblebus business www.superstartumblebus.com (just had to throw that in there), she has a million grandchildren who adore her and need her.  Plus, she has a husband who can't survive without her! He already lost his 1st wife to cancer, would you seriously allow that to happen to him again?

I went back to John, who from his prison cell had even 1 million more reasons than Mom did, to argue with God on why he was suffering so much after everything he went through  for God!

So John is in prison and John's followers go to seek out Jesus...

"At this moment, three roughly dressed, leather-skinned men appear a tthe courtyard gate.  One of the disciples of Jesus recognizes these men.  He rushes to the house.  Just as he is about to tell his master the news of the arrival of these men, a cripple rises on his feet, raises his hands to heaven, and cries out to God in praise for being cured.

'"Lord, the disciples of John are here."' Jesus looked up. For a brief moment there was anxiety in his eyes.

"Please, dismiss the people outside.  Bring them here immediately."

With that, the Lord seated himself on the floor and waited for the appearance of John's disciples.  In a moment, the three men solemnly took their place in front of Jesus.  There was a long pause.  Then Nadab broke the silence.

"We have come from John. He is in prison. Herod arrested him for...."

'"Yes, I know," replied the Lord.

"A few days ago we were allowed to visit him. He is chained inside a filthy pit. There are rumors that it will not be long before Herod has him killed."

There was a pause. Nadab waited to see if Jesus had some response.

"John sent us to you, Jesus, to ask you a question.  It was the only request he had for us.  We have traveled this far to find you, yet it is but for the answer to one question that we have come."

Again, Nadab paused. No one spoke.

"Teacher, the question that John would ask of you is this..." Nadab paused again, his face flushed.

 "John's question is, 'Are you the Messiah, or should we look for another?'

What? So you mean to tell me that a man who has devoted his life to God in every way imaginable, a man who lived, ate and breathed alongside Jesus, a man who was physically the cousin of Jesus was questioning if Jesus was even legit?

Yup. And haven't we all been there? If not, maybe we are today. I certainly was there during my darkest moments of life. I too asked God, "Um, are you for real? Or is this whole thing a bunch of crap?"

Moving on...

A long, stunned silence followed.  Pain was felt in the heart of every man in the room.  You could read it in the faces of John's three disciples, it was evident upon the faces of the twelve, but it was most evident upon the face of Jesus himself.

Jesus sighed deeply.  For one brief moment, he dropped his head in what seemed to be a gesture of anguish.  Looked up again, he addressed the question.

'Nadab, return to John.  Tell him, for me, these things. First, tell John that the blind see, the lame walk, and the deaf hear....

"Then tell me cousin that the gospel is proclaimed - not only proclaimed but received with gladness - and that men and women are being set free."

The Lord paused, took a deep, labored breath. Then slowly, purposefully, he continued, "Lastly, Nadab, tell John...tell John..."

The Lord's voice choked for a moment.  Pain was in his words. "Tell my brother John:

"And blessed is he who is not offended with me." 

Woah. I will never read Luke 7:23 the same ever again.  John basically asked Jesus if he was for real, because um, seriously? This totally is not fair.  Jesus responded, well... I'm healing people and sharing the gospel and they are receiving it with joy.  But as far as you, I know you're not so joyful about me.  But I'm not going to explain your suffering. I'm just going to say this: If you choose not to be offended by my way of doing things, then you will be blessed.

Crap.

I continue to read the following:

The three disciples of john squatted down on the slimy floor dungeon that had become John's home. 

"Teacher, we have seen your cousin."
"Did you ask my question? Did he answer?"

"Teacher, the answer is very strange.  We do not understand it."

They go on to deliver John Jesus' response.  He receives it with little emotion and then asks where his cousin is.  They tell him he is in Nain, where there are sick people everywhere filling the alleys wanting to be filled.  John asks if they were healed.  Nadab responsed, "Yes, many were being healed."

Many, Nadab? Many, but not all?  (Mark 1:29-34).

John started into space.  Had he at last found the answer to his questions or did he simply have more questions?

When reading on, we find that John the Baptist ended up being beheaded shortly after that.  He never lived to see any reward for his sacrifices. He never received any answers this side of heaven for the suffering he endured.

John was not the first to have this need.  Everyday millions agonize over the ways of the Lord. But what truly hit me was this:  Will I love a God I do not understand?

Am I willing to die in the presense of a God who does not live up to my expectations?

As Edwards writes (in my words)... Shall I be crabby and annoyed with God for revealing so little concerning His ways, or should I rejoice that He has revealed so much?

A day like John awaits us all.  It is unavoidable because every believer imagines his God to be a certain way, and is quite sure his Lord will do certain things under certain conditions...

But your Lord is never quite what you imagined Him to be.

We never imagined God would take Mom's life through cancer.  Since that day in the hospital room we learned that the type of cancer she has can be treated, does not need chemo and usually is not life threatening. However, as I write this blog she and Dad are at Mayo today awaiting the results of her new tests. So we pray, and we wait for more solid answers.

Until then, I will treasure the words of Jesus and rest in his mystery....

Blessed are you who are not offended with me.

Confidence.

Thanks to my sis Stacey, today is the most beautiful blessing dropped into my lap out of nowhere.  I am kid free... and I hardly know what to do with myself.  After spending a morning having uninterrupted adult conversations, I am now in front of a computer, with a carmel latte by my side.  My phone is purposely in the car, the garage is shut and my door is locked.  I hear nothing but(breathe in)...

Silence.

(breathe out).

I close my eyes knowing I desire to write and if there was ever an opportunity, it's now.  But what do I write about?!

Do I write about Kasiah, who is entering her tween years at the age of 6?
Do I write about Dyson who has this mature depth for the Lord, and if I fail to pay attention I miss the most amazing treasures of all?
Do I write about my terrific 2, Adalie, who laughs at me when I spank her or put her in time-out?
Or what about the 37 women the Lord has crazily brought into my life this summer? 
Do I write about my husband who was ignited in his sleep last night with an unexpected dousing of the Holy Spirit?

I could go on forever with things to write about, but one thing keeps coming to my mind - writing about ....me.

How self-centered is that?

Well, here's the deal.  Yesterday, Jeremy walked in from work and shared with me how a former friend had been reading my blog. I vaguely remembered her from my college days in Orange City, Iowa about 11 years ago.  I felt incredibly humbled that she would give up her valuable time to do such a thing. As I was feeling so honored by that, he looked at me and said, "Yeah, she said 'So, you're wife is a very confident woman, huh?'"... (insert spitting out my lemon flavored ice water).

HA!

What?!

I looked at him like a deer hit by headlights. He had this huge (and that's an understatement) smile on his face and then busted up laughing. "Yeah, I told her you're actually VERY insecure."

Hmmm. Now he could have jumped on that wagon and took the moment to brag about his hot confident wife (which is such a turn on for men) but instead, he had to go and tell the truth.  He's often had that honest streak in him when put on the spot. Such as every time he got pulled over...

"Son, have you been drinking?" 
"Yes sir."

"Son, it smells like pot in here."
"Yes sir. And here is my paraphernalia."

Love ya babe.

Anyway, I've been pondering that conversation ever since.  So with that being said, I just want to take the moment to remove my mask and simply write about... well, me! And let me tell ya, the girl was right. I am VERY confident through my writing.  But the truth is, I am very unconfident in me.

This summer I'm taking our women through a study called "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore. Because I'm leading, I'm forced to be caught up on all my reading and know what I'm talking about.  But I made darn sure the girls knew on day #1 that I'm walking through this with them.  Not ahead of them.

Insecurity. We all have it.  As a goody-tushu girl who has never been drunk a day in her life, raised in a good Christian home, had friends, had "popularity", has a pretty face, a good marriage, healthy kids, no baggage from the past, and a family perphaps placed on a pedestal due to our current position in our community... Here is the truth and here are my insecurities:

1. My Body.
Ding! Ding! Ding! What woman isn't insecure about that in today's culture?! My revelation this after seeing pictures of this past weekend (in which I won't post because I'm... insecure) is that my stomache still looks 4 months pregnant! What's REALLY funny is that (unlike the average population) I actually thought I looked better until I saw pictures! Talk about a confidence killer!  You see, I thought and felt I had looked like this:

(Well, kinda).  When instead, I look like this:

Isn't that funny? Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I have a weight problem. I'm just saying that I didn't think I still looked pregnant. And now that I think about it, I guess I could use the excuse that I WAS pregnant just last month. Ya....probably not. Anyway, you'll only catch me in a bikini where I'm not known. Ya know, it's the "get a good tan but not where people can see me or label me as a hypocritical immodest Christian" swimsuit. :)  Well, while I'm at it, why not post more pics of our past camping weekend....

Adalie being too scared to pee in the water. So she thought it best to pee right there.

O.k. So that was a quick bunny trail to our past camping weekend - which by the way was the best weekend ever. First one in 6 years where I didn't have to pack (drum roll please)... diapers!

Alrighty, the next thing I am insecure in is...





2. My Position.

I have been put in a situation in which I'm leading alot of women that I never expected to happen.  Every Wednesday that I teach, I nearly want to vomit. I'm crabby. I'm insecure. I'm irritable toward my kids and I can barely focus.  And my husband knows to expect very little of me that day. Why? Because I'm finding my security in what the women think of me vs. what God has already thought of me yesterday, today and forever. But the truth is, there are times when I lead these amazing women looking like this:

But inside, I feel like this:

The next thing I'm insecure in:

3. My Parenting.

As a minority homeschool mom, I struggle with the fear that every day I'm going to turn my kids into social rejects who wear 1780's clothing, don't know the most recent playground patty cake games, or how how to play kick-ball.  In fact, I'm so insecure about it that I've let our home become the "free for all" community center where free popsicles are given out and they can play lego's in the bathtub anytime they want.  Why? So I can be sure that they have a social life, duh.  But the truth is, God called me to homeschool.  If I simply obey the Big Rock, the little rocks (such as a social life and playground games) will fall into place.  Self-lesson: Don't overdo a good thing simply because you're scared.

Hmm. The next thing I'm insecure in:  Oh yes. The "S" word.

4. Sex.

Ya know, when you feel like this:

But you want to feel like this:

Moving on. 

I really don't have much wisdom in my writing today. I could continue to list more and more things that I'm insecure in, but the point is this: I may come across in my writing as a very confident woman, and in many ways I am, when it comes to God and how He speaks to me.  However, the reality is this: I'm just like you.

Let's end with Hebrews 10. Specifically vs.35, "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded."  I think I'm going to chew on that chapter for awhile.....

The Ones Below.

I haven't posted in nearly 2 months. Life has been out of control lately! But I've felt the urge to write something in regards to this past Mothers Day...

Enjoy! :)

Having been married for almost a year,

We took that test and were flooded with fear.

And joy of course, for you were our first.

We couldn't wait to be parents, and our hearts nearly burst!

But around 8 weeks, on Mother's Day,

we lost your life and didn't know what to say.

Although it was painful and tears flooded our hearts,

We still looked to Jesus to give us a fresh start.

The summer passed by, and Fall rolled into town.

Bustling leaves and pumpkins. Kids rushing around.

We take that test again and positive once more!

We can't wait to see what this pregnancy has in store!

But on my brothers birthday, just shy of Halloween,

Around 6-8 weeks you too, would never bee seen.

 

 

We kept pressing forward and I took that test once more.

It's now December, two thousand and four.

On Christmas Eve, I joyfully wrap under the tree,

The positive test for your daddy to see.

He smiles with pride and says, "Third times the charm!"

He shares on Christmas morning and family is alarmed.

Not sure what to say, tension fills the air.

Is this the baby in nine months she'll bare?

But around mom's birthday, in January 2005

We learned that you also were no longer alive.

 

 

"How are you doing?!" People would ask with concern,

I simply replied with one thing I had learned:

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.

May we bless His name no matter the day.

Three babies in heaven, but what is going wrong?

The doctors decided to join in that song.

They sent me to Sioux Falls to have some tests done,

Only to find another little one.

This one was different, I could just tell.

The roast beef cravings and not feeling well!

And sure enough, that crisp Fall night,

I bore my little girl after a long hard fight.

8lbs and 12 oz with lots of black hair,

Kasiah Grace entered our care.

 

 

A bit sooner than expected, only 9 months down the road,

Another positive pregnancy test. Could we handle this load?

Not having any idea in how we could stay strong

we leaned on Jesus all day long.

And on January 26, 2007

God gave us a another piece of heaven.

7lbs with hardly any hair,

Dyson Allen put love in the air.

 

 

We're now feeling stable in more ways than one

With 1 boy and 1 girl, for awhile we'll be done.

But one afternoon, while sitting at my work

A desire for roast beef left me going bazzerk!

Later that night, while sitting next to my daughters bed,

Dyson is sleeping, having just been fed.

I'm rubbing her back and praying to my God,

Please don't let it be. My husband doesn't have a job!

But on Thanksgiving Day, the angels sent kisses,

with Adalie Faith wrapped in Holiday wishes.

 

 

Moving along down the road a quite a few years,

we find ourselves in Brandon after years of tears.

Blessed with three beautiful children as perfect as can be.

We've had our share of struggles as far as we can see.

And now we're at today, where the time clock is ticking.

I'm young but old...you know what I'm thinking...

Ready to be done, tired of the run.

Diapers and sippy cups and sleepless nights of fun.

But can it be pregnancy test #7?

No way... it's got to be a joke from heaven!

Well, what's the point. I'm bleeding. So I put it away.

But something inside says, "Take it anyway."

I listen to the Spirit and then drop to the floor.

"Pregnant" it reads....

But do we want or need more?

 

 

Confused and shocked. Emotions flood my heart.

Vasectomy talk, later pregnant. Where do I start?

But am I miscarrying? God, how do I pray?

"Let this baby live." I quietly say.

Later that night, after the dust settles down,

I share with Jer the unbelievable news found.

He stares at me, not knowing what to say.

So he says a little, until the next day.

"You still bleeding?" He asks.

"Yes," I reply. "We lost the baby."

And he lets out a sigh.

 

 

Feeling both sadness and relief, at the wall we stare,

while coffee's aroma fills the air.

He takes my hand and we begin to pray,

neither of us sure of what we should say.

 

 

I have more babies in heaven, than in my care,

which is fine with me. Seven's more than I could bare.

But someday when I'm up in heaven above,

I hope to embrace the children I could have loved.

Were they boys or girls? Someday I'll know.

But until then....
 My heart is with the ones below.