Chapter Four.

For two years I went through what I felt was the hardest time of my entire life. This would be my junior and senior year of college. God was very clearly calling me to do something that everyone around me didn't agree with. (Not so easy for a people pleaser)

Prior to this moment, I had been placed on a spiritually wise pedestal by surrounding family and friends. People looked up to me, came to me for advise and so on. But now, I was thought of us crazy, nuts and completely wrong in my relationship with God.

I was perceived to be doing what many condemned (including myself): Missionary Dating.

Although Jeremy was already saved before I realized I loved him that Saturday morning outside of Sioux County jail, we were still very much at different levels of maturity. And Jeremy, although a Christian was very much NOT the guy my dad ever intended for me to bring home.

And if my daughter Kasiah ever falls in love with a man similar to who Jeremy was at that time, I will probably panic and start having convulsions! But I will say that if her life shows a history of a very much alive Holy Spirit....active and breathing in her heart, I vow to trust whatever it might be that God is doing. (But that doesn't mean I won't be prostrated on the ground pleading with God to be gentle)

So back to Jeremy and 2001. In all my life I had never prayed, fasted and digested scripture in such desperation. Several nights I locked myself in the practice rooms of the chapel on campus. I would shut off the lights and fall to my knees and just cry and beg God to steal Jeremy's heart. I would plead and plead with God to guide me in my decisions regarding this relationship.

God was calling me to date a porn addict, smoker, tatooed and tongue ringed tough-guy who struggled with drinking and any sense of maturity. And although he gave his life to Christ, that certainly did not mean that his addictions and struggles and temptations just suddenly vanished into thin air. Oh no. This meant a serious case of trial - more than Jeremy would ever face.

And of the millions of people in the world, God picked me to stand by Jeremy's side unconditionally. I don't know when this happend, but God must have injected my heart with an extra dose of grace, compassion and forgiveness.

I saw in Jeremy a man who desperately wanted to do what was right, and oh did he try so hard. But man - when he stumbled, he didn't just stumble, he fell flat on his face....every single time.

For example, Jeremy and I had a thing going. Whenever the clocks turned to 3:33 or 4:44, etc. we would make a wish. One night I was in my dorm. I think I was making mac and cheese. I looked at the clock. It said 5:55. At that moment I prayed, "God, surround Jeremy with your angels."

A couple hours later I received a phone call. It was Jeremy... in jail. He had been pulled over for following a car too closely. O.k. so not a big deal... except he just happened to be smoking weed. Back in jail he was, unfortunately AFTER he had already given his testimony to two highschools in the community. Lesson learned: When someone changes their life around, they need time to figure out what that new life means before going around and speaking about it.

Needless to say, his name was back in the papers. I also found the ticket the police officer wrote. Time of arrest: 5:55pm.

It was very clear to me in that moment that God and I were on the same team here regarding Jeremy. But others didn't see it that way (and understandably). I even received an annoymous note in my mailbox that college year that said I was very wrong in dating Jeremy. Very wrong.

I completely lost my reputation. My grades started to fall, I was a horrible RA for the girls on my wing, and I lost my friends. I lost respect from my family as well. And I lost a lot of weight. I was so stressed and always crying and fasting, that I didn't even think about eating.... let alone actually eating.

Every morning I woke up and my eyes were swollen from the tears the night before. Nothing in the world is more difficult than feeling supported, loved and admired by so many people to suddenly being thought of as stupid, a door mat, a poor decision maker, and the list goes on.

I know what it was really about... not completely Jeremy here. This was a time of God breaking me of spiritual pride and making me a real woman. He was teaching me obedience regardless of other people's opinions. This was not easy. Not one bit.

Through the times of being cheated on, lied to, watching him be thrown in jail, and getting drunk at parties, Jeremy always managed to get back up and try again. His heart was genuine and filled with love and compassion for me and complete hate for himself. It was very obvious that until Jeremy learned how to truly love himself, he would never know how to truly love me.

God also gave me enough glimpses of Jeremy to show me that when Jer finally did learn how to love himself, I would be completely blown away with a beautiful, absolutely beautiful relationship.

So we survived the two years... on and off again dating, and then that third year, after I graduated from college, we finally became stable in Christ with fewer ups and downs. And in January of 2003, Jeremy proposed.

At that moment I knew God was good with that. He wouldn't have called me to continue fighting and believing and intervening in our relationship for two years if it wasn't preparation for marriage. But I wasn't stupid. Just because I now had a fat rock on my finger (did I mention that when Jer goes big, he goes big?) it certainly didn't mean the road was going to be easy.

And on June 21, 2003 I married the man not-so-much of my dreams... but a man that I knew without a doubt in my mind was going to be fireworks in building God's kingdom by my side. And I knew this because I maintained a communion with Christ through every spiritual discipline I could think of.

And my parents and their friends were being our spiritual warriors alongside us. And of course, Jeremy's heart was beautiful and compassionate in every sense of the word. And when he was on....he was on. He knew how to romance and make a woman feel like the princess of the world. And he had the compassion of Jesus for hurting people.

And on that day, in the very same place where I desperately cried on my knees in a dimly lit chapel, we shared our vows. And when I said, "til death do us part" I looked him right in the eyes and made sure he understood that I was not kidding.

In my heart, when I said those words I knew that God was going to take me down the road of adultry. I just knew it.


Til death do us part.
Til death do us part.
Til death do us part.... even if you cheat on me.


At that alter I made the decision that no matter what happened I would fight for my man. That no matter what happend I would forgive him.

Til death do us part.

Chapter Nine. The Apple Tree.

I am just a mess. My family is gone for the next two weeks and I feel like a divorced mom only getting to see her kids on the weekends. And now I'm sitting here trying to write "Chapter 4" of my life story and completely unable too because all I can think about is now.

My husband called me just a few minutes ago completely frustrated from Sioux Falls. The nail gun he bought at a pawn shop didn't do the job today, so tomorrow he has to blow another $200.00 on a new one. His day went completely awful trying to head up a construction job working at a place with no direction and too many bosses with too high of expectations. And we could only talk for a few minutes because he was on his way to my brother's house to get our kids.

But let me back up. My family has been anxiously waiting to hear back from YWAM of our acceptance since Christmas. This has been a dream of mine for the past 9 years of my life. YWAM is a ministry of various programs. We particularly applied for the school in Kona, Hawaii. Go to http://www.uofnkona.edu/ if you are interested in knowing more.

Then, last week Tuesday at 3:00 in the afternoon something felt very very wrong. I craved a roast beef sandwhich. Let me say that again... I craved a roast beef sandwich.
Thursday morning. I had to do it. I had to buy a pregnancy test. And at 9:15 a.m. on April 2nd, my world was turned upside down. Staring right in my face was a positive pregnancy test. As positive as positive can be. The blue line was so darn blue it was almost black. And in that moment I nearly fainted. Stumbling to text my best friend/boss to come to the bathroom and rescue me from having a heart attack, my phone tumbled to the floor missing the toilet by inches and dividing into two.

Now for some of you this is not something to be devastated about. But if you truly knew my story, the look on your face right now would be of sheer shock... the same look my family, co-workers and closest friends shared with me. In fact, one co-worker lovingly donated a vacation day so that I could just process the unbelievable knews. Oh, and I never missed a birth-control pill.

So I tell my husband. And at this point in our lives, he did what really seemed to be the only thing we could do. He laughed.

Then at 4:00 that same afternoon we received the phone call we had been waiting for since December 2008. YWAM. The man on the other end named Ben, told us we were accepted! We then told him we found out we were pregnant just a few hours ago and in just 2 minutes my dream was abruptly ripped right out of the palm of my hands because of an unwanted pregnancy.

Not only did I feel punched in the gut once that day, but it was met with a second blow. A very low blow. So now I sit here 4 days later starting to adjust to this unexpected little blessing. And in the meantime my unemployed husband in this crappy economy is doing what he can to pay the bills. And one of those places to "do what he can" is in Sioux Falls. And where does that leave our kids? With Aunts and Grandma raising them... in Sioux Falls and far away from mommy.

Yeah yeah, so life doesn't go as planned. I know. And I know my feelings are so filled with lies. But how is it that a person can read scripture and hear God's voice speak to you through scripture and then be so wrong in the end? I just don't get it. Both Jeremy and I were absolutely certain that doors were opened for YWAM in every sense of the word. Absolutely certain! And we were so very wrong.

In a way I feel decieved. As if God was just teasing us. I know that's not what He does. But in this moment I feel played and it hurts. I feel that any confidence I had regarding God speaking to me is just out the window. And I am really grieving that. In this moment I feel betrayed by my best friend. My heart just really hurts and I feel like no matter how hard my family tries we just never get a break.

I just wish that God would put me on pause.

I met with a new friend today. She saw my hurting heart. I want to be doing my dreams, my passions. I want to be speaking to women words of inspiration, hope and encouragement. I want to write books or do something with my life stories. I don't want to sit in a box all day behind a computer managing schedules and ordering lunches while producing babies and living off of garage sales.

She told me the story of the apple tree and a conversation she had with her pastor. At this time, she was a busy, young mom who felt very un-fruitful.

"When does an apple bear fruit?" He asks.

"In August, or so." She replied.

"When does it not bear fruit?" He asked.

"In the winter." She replied.

"Is God angry with the tree when it doesn't bear fruit?"

"Well, no." She replied.

"Why?" He asked.

"Well, because it was created that way. It's not supposed to." She replied.

"Exactly." He said. "And it's not your season either."

"Lord, I feel so unfruitful. Please grace me with patience for the season I am in." Amen.

Safe Doesn't Mean Safe.

I'm really not so sure I like blogging. It's so darn time consuming! How do people have all this time to blog? Maybe it's just a user error. I don't know. But by the time I edit and upload pictures and get ready to write something, my noon hour is already up.

Anyway, this time right here, right now is desperately needed again. Here I sit at Butlers drinking a latte (I really should not have bought) and not wanting to go back to work because my Monday morning started off just awful. And on top of that, my husband is having a heck of a time at home trying to be a daddy and mommy all at once - laundry, cooking, cleaning, managing two fighting children, dealing with e-bay crap in trying to purchase tools, file for unemployment but the system fails, dealing with workmans comp crap, and the list goes on and on. Nothing new for any other family, I'm sure.


But on top of this, I am dealing with something else today. Something not so pleasent. Last week a 3-year old little girl was killed near Sioux Falls, SD when her mom tried to re-buckle her in her carseat while driving. This little girl was connected to some friends of ours. I went on the internet last night and googled the story. My heart just dropped. Even now, tears well in my eyes. I can not imagine losing my 3 year old little Kasiah. But I can imagine the many times I reached back while driving... handing them a snack, some toys, etc.


And then I did something I regret... I looked at pages and pages of other "3-year old dies" stories on google. They were awful! Some were as follows:

* House Fires
* Beatings by a boyfriend
* Car Accidents
* Carbon Monoxide poisoning
* Dental surgery - medications given to perform surgery causes child to die
* Crushed under a TV set that fell off the entertainment center
* SUV backs over and kills
* Grandma leaves child in a car. Child dies due to heat.

Two stories just blew me away:

1. Boy dies when walking outside in the middle of the night and was unable to get back in the house, while mother was sleeping. The next morning she found his lifeless body in a snowbank just 10 feet away. It was -9 degrees that night.

2. While mother is running an errand, two children remain in the car. Older sibling lets younger sibling out of the carseat because he's crying. Older sibling falls asleep in the front seat. Younger sibling crawls onto arm rest of side door and pokes his head out of the window. Child steps onto the electronic control, forcing the window to roll upward and kill him.

The night before I was reading these horrific stories, Jeremy and I watched a movie titled "Gangeling." It was based on a true story in 1928. A man would kidnap children, lock them in a chicken coop and then brutally murder them by chopping them apart with an ax. Over 20 children were killed before he was arrested.

Now you're probably thinking I'm nuts and asking yourself, "why are you putting yourself through this?!" But the reality is this: this IS reality. These stories are happening every single day, and the stories listed above are very common and do not exclude you or I from experiencing any of it (well, maybe other than the ax murderer).

I'm going to be honest here. I fear God. I really do. I fear him with a healthy fear. I know that my children are not my own. Not a day goes by when something in my heart doesn't stir at the thought of God allowing my children to be taken away. He gave them to me and He can take certainly take them away! And if it means to further His kingdom and save thousands of souls from hell, He just might! I am fully aware that He has that right and I have absolutely no say in that decision, no more than Job himself! I am not excluded from a house fire, car accident, kidnapping, or freak accident such as the hypothermia or car window death. Nothing guarantees me protection from that.

My sister-in-law came back from YWAM and taught me something. She said that so often we pray and trust that God will protect us and keep us safe from harm. Yes, He does do that. Scripture claims it. But we often deny to look at the other parts that talk about how He does not keep us from harm or danger, but promises to walk us through it. Why? Because that is a very uncomfortable thought to think!

She said, "The safest place to be is in the will of God. And the will of God might just be a warzone in Iraq."

"Safe" in God's mind is not necessarily safe in our mind. And we have to be willing to trust Him to be obedient wherever He might call us to go... dangerous or not. Because to not obey God is where the true danger lies.

"God is our refuge and strength. Always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not fear WHEN earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea. Let the oceans roar and foam. Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!" Psalm 46:1-2

I love this verse. It's like David is saying, "Bring it on! God is on my side!" But last night when faced without electricity (from 6:00 until way after midnight), with nothing to do but sit in silence (my phone was also dead), I was forced to face the idea of losing my children. For some reason in my heart, if God were to take me through that storm for the purpose of reaching thousands of people, it would not surprise me one bit. Not one bit.

Psalms 77: "I cry out to God, yes I shout. Oh that He would listen to me! When I was in deep trouble I searched for the Lord. All night long I prayed with hands lifted toward heaven, but my soul was not comforted. I think of God and I moan, overwhelmed with longing for his help. You don't let me sleep. I am too distressed even to pray! I think of the good old days, long since ended, when my nights were filled with joyful songs. I search my soul and ponder the difference now. Has the Lord rejected me forever? Will He never again be kind to me?"

This Psalm that David felt in his heart identified with my own heart through the affair of my husband. I know God never rejected me during that time. But it was o.k. to feel that He did. David obviously did! And one day I might be meditating on that scripture once more in another dark and awful storm. God doesn't promise me protection of never losing my children. But He does promise to carry me through if it were to happen.

For now, I'm not going to live in fear, but peace.

For now, I am going to cherish my children every single day and never take them for granted.

For now, I am going to feel incredibly blessed that I am not a mourning devastated mother.

"Thank you Jesus, for my children. I am so undeserving of them. Help me to dedicate my life to You, to my husband and to my children. Help me to never put work and to-do tasks before them. Give me wisdom to raise them in the best way possible. I pray for health and safety. But if safety means safety in heaven and not on earth, give my heart the faith it needs to be o.k. with that. Because right now, I'm not o.k. with that one bit....like that matters. Who am I, a mere mortal,in comparison to your greatness, O Lord?

Amen.

Just As I Am.

Leaving work today over my noon hour I couldn't wait to get to our local coffee shop. Why? Because I just needed to do this. There is something very healing for me in writing. I can't explain it. I had to stop at the bank though, and then ran into some friends and we laughed together. So now I sit with only a few minutes left.

God is cool. The 2 minutes I had between the bank and here was a moment He set aside for just us. He spoke to me. He spoke through a song by Josh Wilson, called "Savior, Please." I had never heard it before, but as I listened tears streamed down my face. It was exactly what I was feeling. It is my new favorite song.

I came here knowing how desperately I need to fix this silly looking blog. One thing about my life right now - I don't have huge chunks of time to myself (unless I quit exercising). So my random "updates" have obviously turned into a non-matching silly looking thing obviously revealing how clueless I am. Regardless, here I sit with a decision: to fix the appearance of this thing or to take a moment to help heal my heart.

I'll choose the latter. Why? Because this messy looking, non-matching blog fits perfectly with where I'm at right now. I am a mess. One guy pointed a finger at me yesterday and said "you have issues. You have the issue of pacifiying people." I love the guy. He makes me smile. He also made me think. So I have the issue of pacification. I also have other issues. A few close relationships this week that have vomitted all over the place are a result of that as well.

It's 1:00. I have a meeting with my boss in 15 minutes. The annual self-evaluation. Can't wait... and dreading it. But, because I don't know when I'll be on this thing again, I'm going to post as is. What you see is what you get. The lyrics speak for themselves. Thank goodness God loves me just as I am. I know that in my head, but man, if only I could truly understand that in my heart.

Savior, please take my hand

I work so hard, I live so fast

This life begins, and then it ends

And I do the best that I can,

but I don't know how long I'll last

I try to be so tough

But I'm just not strong enough

I can't do this alone,

God I need You to hold on to me

I try to be good enough

But I'm nothing without Your love

Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand

I fall so hard, I fade so fast

Will You begin right where I end

And be the God of all I am because You're all I have

Hallelujah

Everything You are to me

Is everything I'll ever need

And I am learning to believe

That I don't have to prove a thing'

Cause You're the one who's saving me

I love the hearts of my children. No matter how messy they are, they don't care. Because they are secure and confident. They know they are loved unconditionally... no matter what. I hope to be like my children someday.

Oh well!

This is obviously not a cool post but instead a big messy attempt to change my blog "real quick" only to find that changing it "real quick" isn't an option. I could choose to stay here and fix it, or.... spend some "time" with my husband. Lol! I'm going to choose the latter and suck of the embarrassment of this silly looking thing that doesn't match.

Surrender.

So regarding my blog titled "My Say My Way," I better add another example to that list:

• You pray God will provide a way for your husband to not have to return to a miserable job. He gets permanently laid off. You then whine to God asking "what about the money?"

So my husband lost his job last week. Although he was laid up do to foot surgery, he had a good feeling there wouldn't be a job when he came back. He asked for honesty from the company instead of waiting for the bomb to drop when he was ready to return. Sure enough, the phone call came last Monday. I'll never forget walking back to my cubicle to find a text message stating, "I'm officially jobless."

A wife and mother never wants her husband to come home and say "I lost my job today". That's something you only see in the movies, right? The idea of what that text message held for me flooded my body with sadness. I started crying, found my boss-friend, and she cried with me. But deep inside, I was celebrating. For it was true evidence that God was hearing our cries for Him to take our family and do something with it - something purposeful for the Kingdom outside of this comfortable little bubble we live in.

So we wait.

Currently, Jer is providing for our family through pain (like many laborers do I guess). Everyday he walks in pain waiting for his foot to heal. The limp is becoming normal, but he never complains. That pain brings us a paycheck every Friday in the mail. In four weeks, when that check stops he will file for unemployment, along with thousands of other Americans. Then what?

We wait for a phone call.

God has seemingly made it clear that our family is to attend a 6 month DTS program through YWAM in Kona, HI. While we wait for that phone call of acceptance, I have lived fighting to surrender: surrendering my need to know. Speaking of letting things go...

Lately "Push-Back Princess" Kasiah has been driving me nuts. Everything we ask her to do and everything we say does not come without intelligent push back from her smart little mouth. I feel like I have a lawyer in my house, fighting for authority with a 3 year old. One morning it was just too much and I snapped. Coming to work in tears I vented to my husband through e-mail. His response: "I wonder if that's how God feels?"

I've been thinking about my prayer life lately. Most of it has been filled with guilt and condemnation. I am certainly not one who spends time after time in prayer every day. I am not that begger at the door that Jesus talks about, who knocks and knocks until the man finally comes to the door and the begger gets what he wants. Why have I felt so guilty about that? Because Satan is manipulative.

I may have learned something about prayer in my life. There is power in prayer. But is there power in also letting go? God sees your heart, right? Maybe if I choose with a pure heart to no longer bargain and beg to get what I want, would it maybe represent...
1. An act of surrender?
2. An act of finding peace?
3. An act of recognizing that God doesn't need you to be His "Holy Spirit"?

Often prayer is more about the heart of the one praying, than the heart of the one being prayed for.

An example: When I met Jeremy 10 years ago, I spent hours of my life on my knees for him - particularly regarding his smoking. I would fast and pray and fast and pray for him to quit. Finally, one day I said "God, I'm just going to let this one go. When you want me to start praying again, let me know. But until then, I'm done. Not because I am giving up, but because I'm surrendering this one to you and finding peace regardless of his disgusting habit."

Ten years later Jeremy quit.

God did His thing without me. He certainly didn't use me or call me to be Jeremy's Holy Spirit. Jeremy quiting had absolutely nothing to do with me. But the initial time I spent in prayer with God over that situation changed my heart forever. It brought me to find peace in the fact that Jeremy may never quit. And even if he doesn't, God still sits on His throne.

Are we called to pray? YES! Prayer makes a difference and God uses believers! But I have found that often prayer is done with impure motives. Often, we think God lays something on our hearts to share with another, when really what is being shared is more about our agenda and the need for control. The need to feel needed by God. God doesn't need me. He created me for His enjoyment, but He certainly does not need me. How arrogant to even think such a thing!

What does this have to do with our current situation and Miss Lady Lawyer?

Surrender.
* Me to surrender my need to know.
* Kasiah to surrender the bedtime bagel.
* Me to surrender my need for understanding.
* Kasiah to surrender the gum.
* Me to surrender my desire to be elsewhere.
* Kasiah to surrender the play-dough.

Does there comes a time when you need to let go and let God? Stop arguing, stop begging... just stop? Be still and know that He is God. Never cease praying...Sure! But where in scripture does it say that prayer means requests? We need to pray more gratefully, more thankfully and less selfishly.

Lord, as we wait for this phone call from Kona, thank you for making us still.

Not Yet.

I'm not going to sugar coat things right now. I'm frustrated. I'm down-right impatient, tired, annoyed, irritated and feel like I could explode. At the same time, I'm relieved, thankful, grateful and praising God. Is having all of that at the same time even possible? I think so.

For ten years I have been standing as the intecessor between God and my husband. But about four months ago God picked me up and said "Thank you. But you're done now. Step aside." So in stepping aside I find myself incredibly relieved... and a bit lost. I am now having to redifine my relationship with God. Before I was desperate for him at the sake of a man I dearly love. I had true motivation to pray, fast, and read scripture. Now, well - I'm not sure.

On top of this, God has made it very clear to Jeremy that we are being (or will be) called to do two things:
1. Move
2. Quit our jobs and one (or both) get some sort of training/education

For what? I don't know. Where? Cluessless. When? Who the heck knowns! But la-de-dah, I know the song: It's all God's timing, don't run away, be patient, God knows best, blah blah blah.

There once was a time when I had so much faith, passion and trust that the thought of God irritating me was absurd. Today, I have never felt more annoyed. It's very obvious to me that I'm having to re-learn how to have a relationship with him on my own, aside from the role of intersecssor for Jeremy. So in that, my irritability is high when it comes to deciding what to do with our lives.

A co-worker of mine shared some great wisdom. He said, "God doesn't always care what you decide, as long as you take him with you." Awesome. That definitely took off pressure of making "the right" decision. But, I'm still very curious as to what God is up to. In fact, it reminds me of... popcorn.

A few weeks ago our family was sitting on the floor with a pile of board games and a fresh bowl of popcorn. As Jeremy, Dyson and myself were munching away, we noticed that Kasiah was not with us. Unfortunately, we noticed a bit too late. We were so caught up in stuffing our faces that there were merely 20 kernals left for our little girl.

Jeremy called her name and she announced she was in the kitchen. We were clueless to what she would be doing. Eating popcorn and playing games with the family is one of her favorite times of the day. What on earth could be more important to her right now? So Jeremy asked what she was doing.

"I'm getting water!" She yelled from the kitchen.
"Well, hurry up! The popcorn is almost gone!" Jeremy replied.
"Just wait! I'm getting waaaaater, daaaad!"

Now seriously, this girl could take two hours to eat five bites of a hot dog if she wanted to, so this was not something we were interested in waiting for. But when we looked up, we saw something we had not even noticed!



Kasiah was not just getting water. She was carefully and slowly getting a tall glass of cold water for each member of the family. And of course each glass had to have it's own special chair that fit each member of the family (papa bear, miss mamma bear, baby bear and Princess Goldilocks, I suppose).

Needless to say, we both felt like dirt. As we were stuffing our faces, consumed in the moment, Kasiah was joyfully serving in the background, preparing a gift for each of us to enjoy with our popcorn. And she was taking her time. She was also delivering the gifts right before our eyes and we never even noticed.

I'm pretty certain God is doing exactly that. I'm so caught up in the moment, stuffing my face with impatience, that I'm missing things right in front of me. I'm wondering where He is at and what He is up to. I wish He would hurry and give us answers or sign something in the sky. But He gave us brains to make our own decisions. He doesn't run, He walks. And just when I think He doesn't care, He'll reveal it all. But for now, not yet.

I think I'd better consider changing my attitude and working on our relationship.