Disclaimer To "Offended?" Post...

I am happy to share that Mom was given a relieving 2nd opinion at the Mayo Clinic. Mom was diagnosed in July with stage 4 Carsenoid cancer, which is a slow growing form of cancer that usually begins its growth in the small intestine, but can spread around the body to areas like the lymph nodes and liver.  Unfortunately it has spread to mom's lymph nodes, liver and now is more than likely in her lungs.

However, carsenoid is not life threatening and does not need chemo treatments.  THIS was the news we were hoping to hear.

Although Mom will continue fighting this cancer for the rest of her life, we continue to pray God's Holy Spirit of fire to miraculously cleanse and purify her entire body.

We are praising God! And regardless of what happens, we will remember:

Blessed are those who are not offended with Him....

Offended?

This summer I read the following, by Gene Edwards.

It changed my life.  It's a very short and easy read, but you will never look at the story of John the Baptist or suffering the same, ever again.

What are you hurting with?
Is it a broken family, finances, abuse, bad relationships?
Miscarriages?
Not getting pregnant to begin with?
An unexpected tradgedy?
A bad marriage... or no marriage at all?!

Often my kids will have things happen to them. For example, the other sibling gets the last blue popscicle which apparently is the worst thing that could ever happen in the world. I look at them as they throw the biggest fit those kitchen appliances have ever seen and then I say something like:

Is it fair that daddy has to work double the hours of other men, yet they get the nice house and we don't? Is it fair a little girl was born not by choice to a mean daddy who beats her?

I then wrap it up with a nice little life is not fair so get over it comment and tell them to get their butts outside.

Well, not quite like that...but you get what I'm saying.

Anyway, the timing of  reading this book was perfect. I read it shortly after receiving news that Jeremy's mom, a woman who is a tremendous role model in my life, was diagnosed with cancer. A few weeks later, as I was sitting in the hospital room with my in-laws, our hearts sank to the floor after hearing the surgeon tell us she was in Stage 4.

All I could think of was John the Baptist.

I think about my life and I question it daily. I think I love Jesus, but do I? How easy is it to love Him in America? Would I still love him if I was being held at gun point, tortured, or doing underground churches without any comfort that my small apartment is currently offering?

Do I love him enough to make sacrifices I don't want to make?
Do I love him enough to pray for brokenness? (So that there is nothing left but leaning on God?)
Do I love him enough to be comfortable being uncomfortable?

I think of my friend Liza, who inspired me so much one day.  She said something about how when thinking of situations today...that we might find ourselves in tomorrow (future)... it feels impossible, or unbearable. 

We think of those things and fear overtakes us.  However, we have to know that when those times hit... God will empower us with more of His Spirit to be able to endure it and be victorious over it. God will equip us with the very thing we need at that very moment. 

When chasing God, wherever we are running God is already there.

So back to Mom's cancer. 
Those words "stage 4" pierced my heart.  I looked at her out of the corner of my eye, tears quietly streaming down her face.  She continued asking the doctor questions with a peace, joy and radiant smile that only Jesus could give her in that moment.  She, dad and my sister handled it with such class.  Mom, regardless of that moment, continued to glow Jesus.

My mind raced to John the Baptist who had spent his entire life denying comfort of any way.  He did not get married, had no children, lived in the desert wilderness heat, without his parents who had died when he was 12, leaving him an orphan. He was given the option of who he wanted to live with, for many were willing to take him under their wing. One of those people probably being his aunt and uncle, Mary and Joseph.

But he chose neither.

At the age of a young orphaned boy, he knew God was calling him to the least place anyone would want to go, to the boiling hot wilderness desert to live among the Essenes. A small community of Jewish people who broke away from their former community over some (in todays terms) church split. The Essenes way of living was comparable to monks.

He went there simply because God told him to. He didn't know why, but he did it.  Where is God calling you? Are you you moving regardless of understanding?

Now fast forward...
God calls John back to his former community to start announcing that Jesus is on his way.  John the Baptist and his helpers start getting people ready for Christ. Then Christmas happens, Jesus grows up, and Jesus and his cousin John totally hit it off. John continues to talk about how awesome Jesus is, and eventually gets thrown in prison for it.

What a wonderful ending to that kind of sacrifical living, huh?  Back to the hospital....

I look at Mom and think, "Gosh, she has way to much to accomplish yet.  She's so young. She has too many lives to influence. She is running an amazing tumblebus business www.superstartumblebus.com (just had to throw that in there), she has a million grandchildren who adore her and need her.  Plus, she has a husband who can't survive without her! He already lost his 1st wife to cancer, would you seriously allow that to happen to him again?

I went back to John, who from his prison cell had even 1 million more reasons than Mom did, to argue with God on why he was suffering so much after everything he went through  for God!

So John is in prison and John's followers go to seek out Jesus...

"At this moment, three roughly dressed, leather-skinned men appear a tthe courtyard gate.  One of the disciples of Jesus recognizes these men.  He rushes to the house.  Just as he is about to tell his master the news of the arrival of these men, a cripple rises on his feet, raises his hands to heaven, and cries out to God in praise for being cured.

'"Lord, the disciples of John are here."' Jesus looked up. For a brief moment there was anxiety in his eyes.

"Please, dismiss the people outside.  Bring them here immediately."

With that, the Lord seated himself on the floor and waited for the appearance of John's disciples.  In a moment, the three men solemnly took their place in front of Jesus.  There was a long pause.  Then Nadab broke the silence.

"We have come from John. He is in prison. Herod arrested him for...."

'"Yes, I know," replied the Lord.

"A few days ago we were allowed to visit him. He is chained inside a filthy pit. There are rumors that it will not be long before Herod has him killed."

There was a pause. Nadab waited to see if Jesus had some response.

"John sent us to you, Jesus, to ask you a question.  It was the only request he had for us.  We have traveled this far to find you, yet it is but for the answer to one question that we have come."

Again, Nadab paused. No one spoke.

"Teacher, the question that John would ask of you is this..." Nadab paused again, his face flushed.

 "John's question is, 'Are you the Messiah, or should we look for another?'

What? So you mean to tell me that a man who has devoted his life to God in every way imaginable, a man who lived, ate and breathed alongside Jesus, a man who was physically the cousin of Jesus was questioning if Jesus was even legit?

Yup. And haven't we all been there? If not, maybe we are today. I certainly was there during my darkest moments of life. I too asked God, "Um, are you for real? Or is this whole thing a bunch of crap?"

Moving on...

A long, stunned silence followed.  Pain was felt in the heart of every man in the room.  You could read it in the faces of John's three disciples, it was evident upon the faces of the twelve, but it was most evident upon the face of Jesus himself.

Jesus sighed deeply.  For one brief moment, he dropped his head in what seemed to be a gesture of anguish.  Looked up again, he addressed the question.

'Nadab, return to John.  Tell him, for me, these things. First, tell John that the blind see, the lame walk, and the deaf hear....

"Then tell me cousin that the gospel is proclaimed - not only proclaimed but received with gladness - and that men and women are being set free."

The Lord paused, took a deep, labored breath. Then slowly, purposefully, he continued, "Lastly, Nadab, tell John...tell John..."

The Lord's voice choked for a moment.  Pain was in his words. "Tell my brother John:

"And blessed is he who is not offended with me." 

Woah. I will never read Luke 7:23 the same ever again.  John basically asked Jesus if he was for real, because um, seriously? This totally is not fair.  Jesus responded, well... I'm healing people and sharing the gospel and they are receiving it with joy.  But as far as you, I know you're not so joyful about me.  But I'm not going to explain your suffering. I'm just going to say this: If you choose not to be offended by my way of doing things, then you will be blessed.

Crap.

I continue to read the following:

The three disciples of john squatted down on the slimy floor dungeon that had become John's home. 

"Teacher, we have seen your cousin."
"Did you ask my question? Did he answer?"

"Teacher, the answer is very strange.  We do not understand it."

They go on to deliver John Jesus' response.  He receives it with little emotion and then asks where his cousin is.  They tell him he is in Nain, where there are sick people everywhere filling the alleys wanting to be filled.  John asks if they were healed.  Nadab responsed, "Yes, many were being healed."

Many, Nadab? Many, but not all?  (Mark 1:29-34).

John started into space.  Had he at last found the answer to his questions or did he simply have more questions?

When reading on, we find that John the Baptist ended up being beheaded shortly after that.  He never lived to see any reward for his sacrifices. He never received any answers this side of heaven for the suffering he endured.

John was not the first to have this need.  Everyday millions agonize over the ways of the Lord. But what truly hit me was this:  Will I love a God I do not understand?

Am I willing to die in the presense of a God who does not live up to my expectations?

As Edwards writes (in my words)... Shall I be crabby and annoyed with God for revealing so little concerning His ways, or should I rejoice that He has revealed so much?

A day like John awaits us all.  It is unavoidable because every believer imagines his God to be a certain way, and is quite sure his Lord will do certain things under certain conditions...

But your Lord is never quite what you imagined Him to be.

We never imagined God would take Mom's life through cancer.  Since that day in the hospital room we learned that the type of cancer she has can be treated, does not need chemo and usually is not life threatening. However, as I write this blog she and Dad are at Mayo today awaiting the results of her new tests. So we pray, and we wait for more solid answers.

Until then, I will treasure the words of Jesus and rest in his mystery....

Blessed are you who are not offended with me.

Confidence.

Thanks to my sis Stacey, today is the most beautiful blessing dropped into my lap out of nowhere.  I am kid free... and I hardly know what to do with myself.  After spending a morning having uninterrupted adult conversations, I am now in front of a computer, with a carmel latte by my side.  My phone is purposely in the car, the garage is shut and my door is locked.  I hear nothing but(breathe in)...

Silence.

(breathe out).

I close my eyes knowing I desire to write and if there was ever an opportunity, it's now.  But what do I write about?!

Do I write about Kasiah, who is entering her tween years at the age of 6?
Do I write about Dyson who has this mature depth for the Lord, and if I fail to pay attention I miss the most amazing treasures of all?
Do I write about my terrific 2, Adalie, who laughs at me when I spank her or put her in time-out?
Or what about the 37 women the Lord has crazily brought into my life this summer? 
Do I write about my husband who was ignited in his sleep last night with an unexpected dousing of the Holy Spirit?

I could go on forever with things to write about, but one thing keeps coming to my mind - writing about ....me.

How self-centered is that?

Well, here's the deal.  Yesterday, Jeremy walked in from work and shared with me how a former friend had been reading my blog. I vaguely remembered her from my college days in Orange City, Iowa about 11 years ago.  I felt incredibly humbled that she would give up her valuable time to do such a thing. As I was feeling so honored by that, he looked at me and said, "Yeah, she said 'So, you're wife is a very confident woman, huh?'"... (insert spitting out my lemon flavored ice water).

HA!

What?!

I looked at him like a deer hit by headlights. He had this huge (and that's an understatement) smile on his face and then busted up laughing. "Yeah, I told her you're actually VERY insecure."

Hmmm. Now he could have jumped on that wagon and took the moment to brag about his hot confident wife (which is such a turn on for men) but instead, he had to go and tell the truth.  He's often had that honest streak in him when put on the spot. Such as every time he got pulled over...

"Son, have you been drinking?" 
"Yes sir."

"Son, it smells like pot in here."
"Yes sir. And here is my paraphernalia."

Love ya babe.

Anyway, I've been pondering that conversation ever since.  So with that being said, I just want to take the moment to remove my mask and simply write about... well, me! And let me tell ya, the girl was right. I am VERY confident through my writing.  But the truth is, I am very unconfident in me.

This summer I'm taking our women through a study called "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore. Because I'm leading, I'm forced to be caught up on all my reading and know what I'm talking about.  But I made darn sure the girls knew on day #1 that I'm walking through this with them.  Not ahead of them.

Insecurity. We all have it.  As a goody-tushu girl who has never been drunk a day in her life, raised in a good Christian home, had friends, had "popularity", has a pretty face, a good marriage, healthy kids, no baggage from the past, and a family perphaps placed on a pedestal due to our current position in our community... Here is the truth and here are my insecurities:

1. My Body.
Ding! Ding! Ding! What woman isn't insecure about that in today's culture?! My revelation this after seeing pictures of this past weekend (in which I won't post because I'm... insecure) is that my stomache still looks 4 months pregnant! What's REALLY funny is that (unlike the average population) I actually thought I looked better until I saw pictures! Talk about a confidence killer!  You see, I thought and felt I had looked like this:

(Well, kinda).  When instead, I look like this:

Isn't that funny? Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I have a weight problem. I'm just saying that I didn't think I still looked pregnant. And now that I think about it, I guess I could use the excuse that I WAS pregnant just last month. Ya....probably not. Anyway, you'll only catch me in a bikini where I'm not known. Ya know, it's the "get a good tan but not where people can see me or label me as a hypocritical immodest Christian" swimsuit. :)  Well, while I'm at it, why not post more pics of our past camping weekend....

Adalie being too scared to pee in the water. So she thought it best to pee right there.

O.k. So that was a quick bunny trail to our past camping weekend - which by the way was the best weekend ever. First one in 6 years where I didn't have to pack (drum roll please)... diapers!

Alrighty, the next thing I am insecure in is...





2. My Position.

I have been put in a situation in which I'm leading alot of women that I never expected to happen.  Every Wednesday that I teach, I nearly want to vomit. I'm crabby. I'm insecure. I'm irritable toward my kids and I can barely focus.  And my husband knows to expect very little of me that day. Why? Because I'm finding my security in what the women think of me vs. what God has already thought of me yesterday, today and forever. But the truth is, there are times when I lead these amazing women looking like this:

But inside, I feel like this:

The next thing I'm insecure in:

3. My Parenting.

As a minority homeschool mom, I struggle with the fear that every day I'm going to turn my kids into social rejects who wear 1780's clothing, don't know the most recent playground patty cake games, or how how to play kick-ball.  In fact, I'm so insecure about it that I've let our home become the "free for all" community center where free popsicles are given out and they can play lego's in the bathtub anytime they want.  Why? So I can be sure that they have a social life, duh.  But the truth is, God called me to homeschool.  If I simply obey the Big Rock, the little rocks (such as a social life and playground games) will fall into place.  Self-lesson: Don't overdo a good thing simply because you're scared.

Hmm. The next thing I'm insecure in:  Oh yes. The "S" word.

4. Sex.

Ya know, when you feel like this:

But you want to feel like this:

Moving on. 

I really don't have much wisdom in my writing today. I could continue to list more and more things that I'm insecure in, but the point is this: I may come across in my writing as a very confident woman, and in many ways I am, when it comes to God and how He speaks to me.  However, the reality is this: I'm just like you.

Let's end with Hebrews 10. Specifically vs.35, "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded."  I think I'm going to chew on that chapter for awhile.....

The Ones Below.

I haven't posted in nearly 2 months. Life has been out of control lately! But I've felt the urge to write something in regards to this past Mothers Day...

Enjoy! :)

Having been married for almost a year,

We took that test and were flooded with fear.

And joy of course, for you were our first.

We couldn't wait to be parents, and our hearts nearly burst!

But around 8 weeks, on Mother's Day,

we lost your life and didn't know what to say.

Although it was painful and tears flooded our hearts,

We still looked to Jesus to give us a fresh start.

The summer passed by, and Fall rolled into town.

Bustling leaves and pumpkins. Kids rushing around.

We take that test again and positive once more!

We can't wait to see what this pregnancy has in store!

But on my brothers birthday, just shy of Halloween,

Around 6-8 weeks you too, would never bee seen.

 

 

We kept pressing forward and I took that test once more.

It's now December, two thousand and four.

On Christmas Eve, I joyfully wrap under the tree,

The positive test for your daddy to see.

He smiles with pride and says, "Third times the charm!"

He shares on Christmas morning and family is alarmed.

Not sure what to say, tension fills the air.

Is this the baby in nine months she'll bare?

But around mom's birthday, in January 2005

We learned that you also were no longer alive.

 

 

"How are you doing?!" People would ask with concern,

I simply replied with one thing I had learned:

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.

May we bless His name no matter the day.

Three babies in heaven, but what is going wrong?

The doctors decided to join in that song.

They sent me to Sioux Falls to have some tests done,

Only to find another little one.

This one was different, I could just tell.

The roast beef cravings and not feeling well!

And sure enough, that crisp Fall night,

I bore my little girl after a long hard fight.

8lbs and 12 oz with lots of black hair,

Kasiah Grace entered our care.

 

 

A bit sooner than expected, only 9 months down the road,

Another positive pregnancy test. Could we handle this load?

Not having any idea in how we could stay strong

we leaned on Jesus all day long.

And on January 26, 2007

God gave us a another piece of heaven.

7lbs with hardly any hair,

Dyson Allen put love in the air.

 

 

We're now feeling stable in more ways than one

With 1 boy and 1 girl, for awhile we'll be done.

But one afternoon, while sitting at my work

A desire for roast beef left me going bazzerk!

Later that night, while sitting next to my daughters bed,

Dyson is sleeping, having just been fed.

I'm rubbing her back and praying to my God,

Please don't let it be. My husband doesn't have a job!

But on Thanksgiving Day, the angels sent kisses,

with Adalie Faith wrapped in Holiday wishes.

 

 

Moving along down the road a quite a few years,

we find ourselves in Brandon after years of tears.

Blessed with three beautiful children as perfect as can be.

We've had our share of struggles as far as we can see.

And now we're at today, where the time clock is ticking.

I'm young but old...you know what I'm thinking...

Ready to be done, tired of the run.

Diapers and sippy cups and sleepless nights of fun.

But can it be pregnancy test #7?

No way... it's got to be a joke from heaven!

Well, what's the point. I'm bleeding. So I put it away.

But something inside says, "Take it anyway."

I listen to the Spirit and then drop to the floor.

"Pregnant" it reads....

But do we want or need more?

 

 

Confused and shocked. Emotions flood my heart.

Vasectomy talk, later pregnant. Where do I start?

But am I miscarrying? God, how do I pray?

"Let this baby live." I quietly say.

Later that night, after the dust settles down,

I share with Jer the unbelievable news found.

He stares at me, not knowing what to say.

So he says a little, until the next day.

"You still bleeding?" He asks.

"Yes," I reply. "We lost the baby."

And he lets out a sigh.

 

 

Feeling both sadness and relief, at the wall we stare,

while coffee's aroma fills the air.

He takes my hand and we begin to pray,

neither of us sure of what we should say.

 

 

I have more babies in heaven, than in my care,

which is fine with me. Seven's more than I could bare.

But someday when I'm up in heaven above,

I hope to embrace the children I could have loved.

Were they boys or girls? Someday I'll know.

But until then....
 My heart is with the ones below.



Flourish Like The Palm Tree.

Last week was a very tough week for me emotionally. Nothing specific... but I just felt pressure, stress, anxiety, irritability, chaos, etc.  I was tired and caught a cold. 

I knew why.  I was getting ready to speak at a Women's Retreat at our church on Friday night. Nearly 50 were already signed up. Earlier that week, while driving by, I saw my name on the billboard promoting it...and I nearly got into an accident.  Satan was after me. And he was after me through my mind, through my kids...and through my husband.  For some reason, Jeremy hated me that week.  He didn't really hate me. But he did. And he knew it was Satan, so he very wisely and patiently and carefully just.... kept silent. 

Wise, yes.  But does that turn a girl crazy? YES! But he knew every emotion in him that was irritated and bitter toward me was nothing, just Satan. So he stayed silent.

On top of that, I was really struggling with this talk.  Was it the crowd? No. They are awesome.  Was it my story?  No. I've shared my testimony tons of times,. But for some reason, it just wasn't coming together.  I had one hour.  One.  How do I put my testimony into a message that is saturated with scripture into one hour?! How do you pick what to say and what not to say? I was clueless. I needed God to give me something.

He finally did... at 11:00 pm the night before.  Go figure.

The theme for the night was Hawiian and titled, "Unshakable Faith."  I was super excited about it until I sat down to prepare.  Then I was ready to jet.  Unshakable Faith?  Is that even possible?  Even Jesus in the Garden of Gethsamane shook when He prayed, "Father, if it be your will, take this cup from me." He wasn't so sure about being tortured and killed the next day.

So I thought about the theme of the night. Palm Trees.  How do they survive such storms in their lives?  I started to google and found some pretty sweet things:

* Their roots are deep and wide.
* They are flexible. (They stand tall and they don't resist the storm. They ride it).
* If grown with other palm trees around them, they survive a lot better than the ones standing alone.

Hmmm... such now that's a great picture of our lives, isn't it?  So that is why scripture says the righteous will flourish like a palm tree... (Psalm 92:12). 

O.k., so now what? I thought. Great picture. But where is the meat? Give me some scripture, God.  So I thought about the title "Unshakable Faith" and went to Hebrews 11, the Faith Chapter.  Every hero in the Bible is listed in this chapter. It's even been given the label the "Great Hall of Faith."

Rhab, the prostitute caught my eye.  If a prostitute can make the Great Hall of Faith, then anyone can.  So I followed her back to her story.  Oh no. Please no, God....don't take me there.

The Old Testament. 

Joshua and the Battle of Jericho.  Yuck. I don't like the Old Testament. It's filled with words I can't pronounce, countries and kings I don't care about, and history I don't understand.  I know my Creation and Noah childhood stories, and that's enough for me.  I did not want to be brought here!

But I said, "O.k. God, I'll think about it."  I got on the computer and googled, "Jericho" and up popped the following:  Jericho: Otherwise known as the City of Palm Trees.

Crap.

So I obeyed and I began... and I struggled every step of the way.  But here is what God gave me:

When God calls us to go to battle or allows us to endure unfair storms in our life, we, like the great hero's of the Bible, can develop a famous faith and make a difference in the lives of others because of it.

Even a prositute is still changing lives today.

So what was it that led to Joshua's Famous Faith?

#1.  His Roots Were Developed.
I had read it before, but it didn't hit me until now.  Before Moses died, God told him to raise Joshua up. Train him. Equip him. Get him ready. Most of Deutoronomy is just that.

Is God developing roots in you? Do you see a battle ahead that you're afraid to fight? Is He calling you to quit your job... take a job...get out of a relationship or get into one? If you have been seeking God's will for your life and He is calling you into the uncomfortable, get ready! If God calls, it's time for walls because your foundation has been laid!

For me, the battle God called me into, way back at Northwestern College in 2001, was dating a man that was not the Ephesians 3:20 man that Hi promised me, when he told me to break up with my ex back in 1998.

Ephesians 3:20? "I will give you immeasurably more than what you could ever ask or imagine...."

I was confused.Totally didn't get it. And was definitely a palm tree standing alone in that storm. I got beat up bad with no support in this heavenly calling.  But I weathered through it anyway. I had a strong rooting system laid and everything about my foundation was unshakable, even though me (a goody goody) dating Jeremy (Saved. But a bad ass.) shook my faith every single day.  But I rode the storm.Which leads me to the second thing that led to Joshua's famous faith....

#2. He Was Called to Stand Tall.
At the end of Deutoronomy Moses dies, but Joshua was filled with the spirit of wisdom when Moses laid hands on him. In  Joshua 1, before the battle of Jericho and other battles take place, God spends His first one-on-one personal moment with Joshua.  He raises him up and says, "Be strong! Be Courageous! For the Lord Your God is with you! Do not be afraid! Do not fear! I will give you every piece of land you step foot on....."

But...."Do not let the Word depart from your mouth. Meditate on it day and night!"

Woah.  I thought back to my moment at Northwestern College.  It was nearly midnight. I was alone in the chapel. It was dark and the janitor was about to lock up. Tears streaming down my face , I'm on my knees at the front of the altar. God, I cried. Why are you calling me to date him? Why won't you take these feelings I have for him away? As I was sharing how awful the experience was, dating a guy with such baggage who continued to mess up while my "perfect" godly people around me thought I was crazy, I look up.  And if I could have seen the spiritual world I would have seen angels hovering above.  At that time is when I, like Joshua, heard my own personal commission and calling to stand tall. I felt God say, "One day he will wreck this world for Christ!"

It was at that moment God had to have filled me with His spirit of wisdom. My roots were deep, they were wide, and I was filled up, called and commissioned...ready to fight this battle. Little did I know how hard I would have to fight. 

The third thing I found was this:

#3. Joshua Was Flexible.
In other words, he rode the storm.  He didn't resist what God was asking him to do, no matter how insane or crazy it was.  First, he was told to march around the city 13 times and the blow trumpets and shout.  Really? But the walls came tumbling down.  He went with it. He kept his heart right with God. He stayed close to God.  He didn't let the Word leave his life.  The Word was his life.  And then there's the next several battles... but with different strategies.  God tells him to ambush one and surprise attack the other. 

God is a God of variety, isn't He?

I thought about my battle. What felt like a hurricane in my life when He called me to break up with highschool boyfriend was more like a sprinkle compared to the hurricane ahead.  Fast forward a few years.

Jeremy and I end up married. In less than 2 years we experience him in a serious construction accident, deal with pornography crap, have 3 miscarriages, a new baby, a new job and a new move. Who survives that in just 24 months?  Well, we weren't doing so hot.  But I kept my foundation strong and this time had other palm trees around me. Heck, I was a church staff member. How could I not fall apart working in a place where I get paid to read my Bible and pray.

But Jeremy. That's a different story.  His rooting system wasn't so deep... or wide.  And the palm trees around him, well... you know. The construction environment. Dirty jokes. Bad attitudes. Bitching about your wives...  and a beer or two or more after work. And this storm in our life. He didn't survive so hot.

Next thing you know we've got hurricane Katrina just slamming us to the ground.  A.K.A. Affairs.  How did I surive? How did we survive?  Like Joshua, we rode the storm.  We shook.  Oh did we shake!! But we didn't break it. We didn't resist it, but learned from it.  We didn't turn bitter toward it, but turned our hearts toward God.  We didn't let the Word leave our hearts. Our mind. Our lives.  The Word was our life.  And we spent the next 4 years picking up the rubble. The mass destruction left behind.  And although we occassionaly find traces of broken lumber and shattered glass, God has delivered the very thing He promised me in 1998. Yup 14 years ago (God is crockpot). He gave me my Ephesians 3:20 man.

And He has remained faithful to the very thing He told me, on that lonely night in the chapel of NWC back in 2000. Today Jeremy is wrecking this world for Christ.

So, what was the final thing that took place in the life of Joshua after he flourished like a palm tree?

#4. Joshua Enjoyed the Promised Land.
Not only did he, Rhab and her family, and the Israelites enjoy the land... but Joshua and Rhab made the Great Hall of Faith! Although more storms will come (we have yet to raise teenagers) and we certainly haven't "arrived" (we still have marriage fights)... we too are enjoying what feels like our own Promised Land in our marriage.  I have never been happier. 

Ephesians 3:20. I always focused on the first part, but it's the last part that has the power....

...according to His power that is at work in you.

In me? Oh, you mean you never had the intention to just hand me an Ephesians 3:20 man on a platter? This was a "you and me work together to make it happen" type thing? Hmmm. Now I get it.  Maybe I should have read that more closely up front.

And then the verse ends, ...to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus forever and ever. Amen  So just why all of this?!

To bring His glory to you. To me, to anyone reading this.... and of course to glorify Him.

Well, it was worth it.  And for now, we are enjoying the calm before our next storm.  I don't like to think about that. But either way, when it comes, our roots will be ready and we'll be ready to ride (hopefully). Yikes!

So with that, I sent the 75 women on Friday night away with a challenge from Paul in Hebrews 12, after he finished recognizing all the hero's in the bible.... 

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perserverance the race marked out for us!  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus the Author and Perfector of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising it's shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God!....

...Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful and so worship God with reverance and we, for our God is a consuming fire!"



"The righteous will flourish like a palm tree...."

Psalm 92:12

So Blessed.

God leads through me a Bible Study of 27 women her in Brandon, SD. Every night I show up nervous with a plan... but not a definite one.  With a group so large, yet so intimate, I really struggle leading it.  I'm either comfortable with 3-5 or with a microphone and 50.  My fear is that some might feel like "just another face in a sea of faces" ~ The bank, Kutless.

I love these women with my whole heart. We are a group of women who range from being pastors kids, to never having cracked open the bible.  We are messy. We have bad marriages, rebellious kids and addictions. We have healthy families, stable, solid and strong.  We come from all different denominations.  All different backgrounds.  Even different nationalities and different ages.
We are the church.

This Friday night, at 7:00 in Brandon at the Assembly of God church, I am speaking at a women's event.  If you are close by, you're welcomed to come! The girls know have really lifted me up through this time of preparing. They have been the church to me, reaching out in meeting my needs.
I received the most meaninful gift last night. It was an easter back filled with my favorites: Butterfingers, Twin Bings, Mr. Pibb and Coffee Creamer. Not to mention a gift-card for a massage! My sister-in-law had also created a scrapbook of encouragement notes from some of the girls, filled with scripture to encourage me... beginning with the first letter of the alphabet and working it's way down to Z.

As I sat in bed reading, tears filled my eyes. I had no idea how God had really been using me. You hope He is, but you just never know.  So many nights I come home feeling inadequate and incapable to do what God has called me to do... feeling like the night was a disaster and some of the girls might not come back.  I feel soooo dependent on God every step of the way...

Which is exactly why lives ARE being changed.

As I was reading through the book, everything they wrote touched me. This was written by Stella: 

"In one of your blog entries you said something about hoping one day you will be able to 'pay it forward' for all the selfless gifts you and your family have received, I personally believe that with how you are allowing God to work in your life and pouring that out into people is so much more valuable than any material item you could possibly pay someone back with....".

Rewind two weeks ago:

It was laid on Jeremy's heart for us to get away this month and take a quick trip to Vegas to just get away.  We have a pastor friend there who could breath some life into us as well.  Although we had found super cheap tickets and a super cheap hotel, if you have followed my blog at all, you know that even this is a HUGE chunk for us.  Jer was blessed with the opportunity to lay someones hard floor and came back with a good chunk of unexpected cash. And although it covered the trip, we knew it really needed to cover our groceries, diapers and gas the rest of the month.  But then an unexpected job of laying trimwork in Nebraska came up!  So we felt blessed by God, and purchased the tickets.

Two days later the trim work job fell through. Our hearts sank. Crap. "God?" We prayed. "We're not feeling good about this decision anymore....."

Three days later, out of the blue, a man walked up to Jeremy at church and said, "I heard you're going to Vegas. Here's the hotel on us." It was as if God said, "Yes, I want you to go and I've got your back."

What Stella didn't know, was that in that moment of feeling affirmation from God, we also asked, when is it OUR turn to bless another financially?

Through Stella's words God re-defined what "paying it forward" could look like. I always knew that...but it never hit me like it did last night, that in paying it forward, I already was.

Anyway, if you're reading this, I have a huge night tomorrow night and I would be so grateful for your prayers of protection over me, my marriage and our family.  Jer and I have felt very attacked. Which is good, but not fun. It's going to be a powerful night. God has revealed some great stuff to me and the message is completely HIM. I'll be talking about how God and we can develop a strong faith through the storms and battles in our life.  I don't want to spoil it, so I'll stop writing....

But stay tuned. I'll be sure to share it in a future blog! :)

More!

This is a continuation of my previous two blogs....

I just continue to be blown away. Last night Jer and I received another $200.00 from someone who said God laid it on their hearts to give. They didn't know why, they just obeyed.  I asked her, "Did you read my blog?"  Nope. But she went home and did after that!

As we lay in bed and tried to piece this all together, we discussed the specific amount that we needed. Our mouths dropped when we realized God didn't just supply our needs.....He doubled it.

But there is something interesting here. These last several weeks, I've done something a little different than I have in the past.  Normally, I pray for a need to be met. God always meets it (but in His time). But then when it is, I stop. I say thank you, and I don't ask for more.

But this time, I haven't stopped. I've continued to pray each and every day for more and more and more of an outpouring.  And everytime I did, I would pray Psalm 139.."Test me God and know my heart! Search me and know my anxious thoughts! Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life!"

I knew that I had to make sure my prayer was not selfish. You know, the silent thought of: God, can I get more money so that I can get my nails done? I used to get my nails done, when I was dating. Then once we got married and had kids, reality hit. I've always thought to myself, When people see me getting my nails done again, that's when they can know we're sitting pretty good!

Our hearts desires is to further God's kingdom. We feel called to full-time ministry someday. But financially, that's scary and humbling! It would mean our financial support would be dependent on others (well, still God of course, but you know what I mean). Do you know how hard of a thought that is? Especially for a man?! But I'm wondering.... are we in training for this? I think so. I definitely think so.
 
So, with that thought...God's got an entire ocean of water to quench the thrist of hungry souls! Therefore, I'm not going to stop asking for more!! I'm not going to stop at just a teaspoon when their are unlimited buckets overflowing!
 
February has absolutely been our month of outpouring. How ironic, the month of love. God's love. And although we still don't know what March will hold (God is God and will do what He wants)... we definately know who's holding March!!
 

Ephesians 3:20

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine,

according to his power that is at work within us. To Him be the glory forever in the church and in Jesus and throughout all generations forever...